Imnotokay

Please don’t laugh. I’m 19 years old. I have major depression, anxiety, and bipolar depression. For years now I cry every single day because I constantly worry about the people that mean the most to me (there are 4 major people in my life and I don’t have a family that’s close so my mom, dad, sister, and boyfriend are the only people I have in my life.) but I 24/7 worry about them passing away. And it’s sounds so stupid I know I’m crying as i right this. I’m not okay though. I’m not okay. I’m really not okay this is too much now.

I'm happy for the diagnosis and treatment plan. I'm also grieving that I'll never be the old me. Things will be different now. I will have a lot of days I'm impaired by #ChronicPain Or #CognitiveIssues Or #Fatigue But was I already working it out before, not well, but yes. Yesterday we gave the demon a name. I'm going to fight, I have to. However, its it's a lot to process. So right now I'm up and down. #ineedhelp #help #Imnotokay #PositiveVibes

I’m falling apart. I’m really struggling. I’ve self harmed, I’ve tried talking and writing my thoughts down but I don’t know what to do anymore. The one person that I want to talk to more than anything is someone I’ve lost. We message each other but it’s not the same. My conversations with him were the only thing that kept me going and now I don’t have them anymore. I try messaging him but it’s not the same and all I want is him. Everything is falling apart. I can’t get out of bed. I’m crying my eyes out while I’m writing this and I just want all of this to be over. I just want things to get better and they’re not. I’m not coping and I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want him and I don’t anymore. #SuicidalThoughts #Depression #Imnotokay #Iwanttodie

I feel like I’m always on the verge of actually attempting to take my life (again). Especially for the past couple of weeks. No one knows the severe struggle that I face on the daily. Because I just hide it so damn well. I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay for months. I just... I want this never-ending pain and torture to go away. I want nothing more than to say to someone in my life “I want to die, but I can’t tell you that because you’ll judge me”. I know that’s not true. I know they aren’t going to judge me. They’ll want to help, or possibly fix me. But you can’t fix the unfixable. I’m just not worthy of anyone’s time.

#CheckInWithMe #Imnotokay

I have a really bad habit of opening my mouth and saying the wrong things. And those wrong things tend to be how I feel. I don’t like blaming everything on my anxiety but that’s how it feels most of the time. I get so anxious and I start thinking about everything and I start to worry myself and make myself sick because of my thoughts. I scare away everyone that I bring close because I have thoughts and feelings. I just wish I could learn to keep my mouth closed sometimes and not fuck things up.
#Anxiety #Imnotokay

What do you do, when you feel suicidal and there’s not a damn thing I can do to help myself!? I’m at a loss, without going to the hospital...