Scared to let go of hunt #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #SuicidalThoughts #Trauma #Relationships #BipolarDisorder #Mania
How do I let go and start over with 2 kids and nothing? I gave this relationship everything, 7 years fighting for something that only broke me. I had to quit my job and become a stay at home mom and a 24 hour caregiver to his dad. The relationship has been mentally unhealthy for me for years. Him threatening to keep the kids or I won't be able to see them unless I get a lawyer has worked keeping me here for the last few years. Top it off with not having a car, job, friends, or any family members I could stay with that would be fit to take 2 kids. I feel stuck!! He's never had to be a parent for more than a few hours a day. Our son was recently diagnosed being on the spectrum of autism so he needs to be cared for in ways he just isn't capable of. I've always been the one to take care of everything around the house! From cooking, cleaning, shopping, taking care of the kids, cutting the grass, fixing the gutters, getting the kids to and from school every day. And now his dad! He works so therefore he shouldn't have to do anything else. If I ask for help or feel overwhelmed he gets so hateful, telling me I can get the fuck out or if I don't like it I can find me somewhere else to stay. Belittling me as a mom while reminding me his kids will stay with him. I Feel guilty when I think about just walking away. I wish I could just say fuck it and good luck trying to replace me. The first time he has to call into work he'd be trying to get me back. Something snapped inside of me recently and now I can't pretend!! I'm tired of being sad feeling worthless. I just want to be the happy version of me. Suicidal thoughts trying to convince me death is the only way out!!!! I don't understand why leaving this behind is something so terrifying.