Mania

New to group so I figured I should share a bit about me so that there’s a better understanding of myself in case anyone wants to comment and such. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 16 years of age. I was unaware of this diagnosis and my parents chose NOT to put me on medication for it. I didn’t have many friends and was always the class clown and always getting into trouble in what I learned as an adult was me being manic. I remember the depression that followed my manic episodes and my parents would pretty much tell me to snap out of whatever it is I was going through. In my late 30’s I tried committing suicide and failed. I’ve lost count on how many attempts I’ve made. The last one had me on life support for a week. While being on the psych ward a zillion times a doctor actually took the time to get to know more than other doctors in the past and diagnosed me with bipolar 1 disorder. I started medication and therapy and was doing really great!! My family doesn’t understand me and my brain and this illness no matter how much I have tried to educate them. I even had my therapist explain to them but it didn’t sink me n. I put on a great act at work and I am always the positive upbeat person that jokes and makes it a little more fun at our office. I no longer have insurance and am only taking Paxil 60 mg now. It’s getting more difficult by the day for me to keep this front up. I feel as though I’m having more down days than good. I have an ugly cry meltdown every morning on my drive to work. I’ve missed work here and there because I couldn’t get out of bed or just didn’t care one way or the other about anything. I’m lonely. I have friends who are always inviting me to go out practically every weekend but I always back out at the last minute and then get mad because I’m bored. I don’t sleep much and try to think up ways to leave this earth by making it look like an accident. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. My mom’s advice is to just have a couple drinks or something similar. I have started to isolate myself from my family because the comments can get overwhelming at times even though I know it’s because they don’t know what it’s like at all. I’m tired. Tired of everything. I’m fighting to not do anything to harm myself but it’s becoming more difficult. I’m babbling and I apologize for it. Thanks for reading.

Mental illness recovery looks different for everybody and every mental illness. For instance, bipolar recovery looks different for someone with bipolar 1 with psychotic features and someone without psychotic features. Also someone with depression recovery looks different from someone with PTSD.

My bipolar recovery is different every day for me. I have psychotic features and ultra-rapid cycling. But most of the time, it seems it lasts just a couple of hours.

Yesterday, I experienced right-out mania that I could actually notice myself without someone else telling me. Usually I feel hypomanic or manic and don’t really realize it until later. But yesterday, I noticed it while I was doing it for the first time in a while. The rest of the day was pretty normal with a lot of creative energy.

What I have learned with my bipolar recovery is that I still might have symptoms like paranoia or hypomania, but the symptoms are not as strong or prevalent. I might have a pretty normal day, no extreme highs or lows. However, my paranoia will kick in and I think all the neighbors are watching me and can see into my house.

What does your mental illness recovery look like? Does it last very long? How do you feel when your mental illness takes a holiday?

#Bipolar 1 #Mania #Recovery

I am wide awake unable to slow my thoughts. This past month has been a blur and as I look back, I have battled between super highs and super lows. I have balanced my moods out, for the most part, with meds and therapy but tonight I feel like I can't get anything right. My husband was in the hospital and is fighting sobriety every day. I can't add any stress to my home right now with my mental illness.
Manic spending, panic attacks in the closet bc the negative thoughts won't leave me alone. I feel so alone and worthless. I know little things to do that would help but, right now, I have no strength left. Any words of encouragement? #Bipolar1Disorder #Depression