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In the Volcano's Shadow

July 18th
Today, the world is in black and white.

Not the stark, graphic kind, but a faded, worn-out black and white like an old photograph.

My emotions are on mute, a muffled hum in the background.

It's a strange kind of in-between space, neither the vibrant mania nor the crushing depression of my usual bi-polar episodes.

It's these quiet moments that feel the most foreign.

No racing thoughts, no desperate need to chase some elusive idea.

No paralyzing sadness either, no heavy fog clouding my perception.

Just...this quietude.

Is this the me underneath it all, the core person unaffected by the storms?

Or is it just the calm before another one hits?

The uncertainty gnaws at me.

Lately, my bipolar disorder feels like living next to a temperamental volcano.

There's a fragile sense of normalcy, a thin layer of ash that coats everything, but the ground trembles with a constant low rumble.

I exist in this constant state of waiting, bracing for the next eruption, unsure if it will be fiery destruction or life-giving geothermal energy.

The worst part is the unpredictability.

Mania can feel exhilarating at first, a surge of creativity and energy.

But it's a fickle friend, burning bright and then leaving behind a trail of devastation.

Depression is the antithesis, sucking the joy out of everything, leaving me a hollow shell.

Today, in this muted state, I can see the wreckage of both extremes.

The half-finished projects, the strained relationships, the missed opportunities.

It's a daunting panorama, a testament to the chaotic dance my brain has been doing for years.

But within the ash, there are also signs of resilience.

The coping mechanisms I've developed, the support system I've built, the sliver of hope that I can learn to manage this volcano, not the other way around.

Maybe this in-between space isn't a blank canvas, but a foundation.

A place where I can start rebuilding, brick by fragile brick.

A place where I can learn to live with the volcano, not in fear of it.

(edited)
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Living in the In-Between: A Look at Bipolar Extremes #BipolarDisorder

There are moments, like this one, where the world explodes into a symphony of color.

My thoughts race ahead of me, each one a vibrant spark refusing to be contained.

I can write for hours, paint until my fingers bleed, and plan for a future bursting with possibility.

In these manic episodes, I become a whirlwind of creative energy, capable of achieving anything.

But then, as inevitably as sunrise follows night, the crash arrives.

The colors dull, the symphony fades into a monotonous hum.

The once exhilarating rush of ideas curdles into a thick fog, leaving me paralyzed by indecision and exhaustion.

Simple tasks become insurmountable challenges, and the vibrant world shrinks to the confines of my own head, a suffocating prison of negativity.

Bipolar disorder isn't just mood swings; it's a constant battle between two extremes.

The mania, though tempting, is a dangerous illusion.

It whispers promises of grandeur but delivers only destruction, burning bridges and leaving behind a trail of broken commitments.

The depression, on the other hand, is a suffocating darkness that steals my will and leaves me questioning everything.

Yet, within this chaos, there lies an in-between, a fragile space of stability.

It's here, in the quiet hum between the extremes, that I find a semblance of normalcy.

The world regains its definition, my thoughts slow to a manageable pace, and I can once again navigate the complexities of life.

This in-between space is what I fight for every single day.

It's a constant effort, a tightrope walk over a bottomless chasm.

There will be slips, moments where I teeter towards one extreme or the other.

But with time and the support of those who love me, I'm learning to navigate this terrain.

Living with bipolar disorder is a challenge, but it's also a journey of immense self-discovery.

It has forced me to confront my vulnerabilities, pushed me to build resilience, and taught me the power of perseverance.

Most importantly, it has shown me the strength of the human spirit, the incredible ability to find hope and purpose even in the midst of darkness.

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I’m new here!

Hi, my name is Joey C. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I also think I may be manic bipolar as well. I’ve been having massive mood swings, I become irritated very easily. I feel like I have some highs but mostly lows lately.

#MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #BipolarDisorder

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Worry

I have a lot of company here at home who came in for the 4th of July holiday. It’s been great, but very overstimulating. Yesterday, my mood and activity level were very high. And last night I could not sleep. With all the activity yesterday I should have been very physically wiped out. I wanted to get out of bed and go do something. But with all our guests I couldn’t, as they were all sleeping. Then it dawned on me, I might be starting another manic attack. I’m jittery this morning and my mind is racing. I can’t afford this now. #Bipolar1 #Manic

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Worry

I have a lot of company here at home who came in for the 4th of July holiday. It’s been great, but very overstimulating. Yesterday, my mood and activity level were very high. And last night I could not sleep. With all the activity yesterday I should have been very physically wiped out. I wanted to get out of bed and go do something. But with all our guests I couldn’t, as they were all sleeping. Then it dawned on me, I might be starting another manic attack. I’m jittery this morning and my mind is racing. I can’t afford this now. #Bipolar1 #Manic

3 reactions 1 comment
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I'm new here!

Hi, my name is healing73angel. I'm here because I had my first manic episode which lasted for 6 months. It came out of no where which finally led to a BPD diagnosis. I am still in shock from what happened, what I did, what I was thinking at that time and now I have to repair all the damage I did to myself and my family.

#MightyTogether #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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Currently crashing from a manic episode. Didn’t sleep for 3 days now I feel physically ill and weak is this a part of the process?

#BipolarDisorder

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Forging

It’s been a tiring, trying couple months. This weekend culminated in a very tense, but needed conversation between my wife and I about my reluctance to take Lithium. It breaks my heart to realize his difficult my manias have been in her over the years. So, silently I’m on my third dose tonight. Today, when aI came home from work she told me she needed to apologize. I asked why. She replied that she’d not really looked at this through my eyes. Today she did. And she began to understand my fear of losing who I am. But that was enough for me. I will keep moving forward. And work toward calming this thing inside. #BipolarDisorder #Manic #PTSD

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Forging

It’s been a tiring, trying couple months. This weekend culminated in a very tense, but needed conversation between my wife and I about my reluctance to take Lithium. It breaks my heart to realize his difficult my manias have been in her over the years. So, silently I’m on my third dose tonight. Today, when aI came home from work she told me she needed to apologize. I asked why. She replied that she’d not really looked at this through my eyes. Today she did. And she began to understand my fear of losing who I am. But that was enough for me. I will keep moving forward. And work toward calming this thing inside. #BipolarDisorder #Manic #PTSD

12 reactions 5 comments