Panic Attacks

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My psoriasis is awful

My scalp is covered in scabs and they're bleeding. It's so itchy and I keep trying to scratch it.
I had a little panic attack today. I didn't rip off my nails, I trimmed them with nail clippers. Just my thumbs and pointer fingers. I feel like I'm asking Pauley for too much help. She hasn't washed the dishes in 4 weeks. Luckily I use paper plates. But we're running out cuz she usually uses regular plates but she doesn't want to have to wash one so she has been using the paper plates.
I can't remember if I ate today. I know, I should know if I did or not. But my back pain is making my head fuzzy. But right now my left knee hurts so much. It's pain from my hip. OMG right after typing that, I shifted my position on the couch and pain shot down my right side. My hips are throbbing. I guess the injections only gave me one month of relief. Dammit.
I'll have to call my pain doctor tomorrow and see what she says about it. I also gotta tell her about the PT that my insurance is forcing me to do. It's so exhausting.
#CheckInWithMe

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My Chronic Illness is Taking Away My Life

Hello, my name is Devin! I am new here. My mom recommended the mighty to me. I struggle with connecting with others in real life, and right now, I am having a really hard time.

I have been hospitalized 11 times since April of last year. One of those hospitalizations was for recovering for the surgery I had. I have Superior Mesenteric Artery Syndrome. It is a vascular compression of my superior mesenteric artery. TW: There is some mentions of vomiting.

I used to vomit violently and loudly. I became intolerant to every food and liquid. Every thing means things like water, apple juice, ensure, and pedialyte. Last April, I was unable to eat for a month. I was IV dependent. I lost a good amount of weight. I was admitted to 3 different hospitals in that month. They were dismissing SMA syndrome even when me and my mom knew that the presentation matched.

I recently got discharged from the hospital 3-4 days ago. And now, I'm becoming intolerant again. I have other things at play. I'm grateful that the big thing I had is treated. But now, it's something else. I also have POTS, so that is something else I need to balance

It is so isolating. Even though I have people in my life that care about me so much, it feels like I'm constantly on auto-pilot. I feel singular. It's as if my body can't just feel okay for more than a few days at a time and I go right back. I hate this so much. It's an out of body experience watching people around you eating the things you wish you can eat, but you can't because you know that will make things worse. It really is a waiting game to a degree. I have panic attacks every night. I fear that if I go to sleep, I won't wake up. I also fear that when I wake up, the people I love will be gone. I stay up until 1:30-2:30 am because of how much the anxiety/panic is there. I end up falling asleep because my body becomes tired from feeling very anxious. I'm so tired of this. I just want to feel okay.

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Medication and specialists

Hi!
I have a question for other people with chronic illnesses who see a number of specialists.

I have two therapists, a psychiatrist, a case manager (finally!), a primary care doctor, a neurologist, and an autonomic specialist. Most of my symptoms come from unrelenting panic attacks and high anxiety which trigger severe intractable migraines. The autonomic specialist is helping with the symptoms more related to pots- movikity, nausea, lightheadness, dizziness, fast heart rate, etc.

I’m on a number of medications to treat multiple conditions. I am medication hesitant; my providers know and I discuss my fears with the people who prescribe anything so I can feel comfortable taking it.

There have been far too many times where someone (a medical professional) who doesn’t understand the complexity of my conditions and the severity of my symptoms try to tell me I’m on “too many meds.” Which just starts the fear all over again. I end up spending my sessions trying to talk to my therapist about if I “really need it” or if I am “damaging my brain.” I talk to my psychiatrist about seeing if I can reduce my medication yet (I cannot, we still are trying things out). Not only that- probably almost half of my meds are as needed- especially for panic and migraines.

I may have told this story on here before, but last year a pharmacist wouldn’t let me pick up my adhd medication unless I explained why I need it. (BTW- I specifically request the psychiatrist test me for this because I’ve had the diagnosis but never was tested, and i wanted proof before I started meds again). I told him to talk to my psychiatrist because she advocates for me and I’m tired of explaining over and over again why I am on what meds. I was able to pick up my meds by the end of that day and my psychiatrist reported him because there was no interaction and I have been taking these meds for awhile and picked them up from that pharmacy.

Last week , someone from insurance asked me to explain my meds and why I am on them. And now I’m recycling these fears and know that my trauma therapist and I are going to have to work through that fear again.

I’m going to type out a document with all of my medications and what they are used for because it really does activate me and make me less likely to take my as needed medications like I’m supposed to.

My question is: Does anyone else experience this frequent request to justify their medications to not just all the service providers, but also other people who are “involved” but don’t know me (pharmacist, insurance people, intakes to get new services)? Does anyone else get triggered when this happens? Is it just me?

Thanks to anyone who read through my long essay on being afraid to take my as needed meds, again. ❤️

#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #MentalHealth #Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #ADHD #AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #Migraine #ChronicVestibularMigraine #ChronicIllness #Disability

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A Flipped Switch: Undiagnosed Suspected Neurodivergent Early 30s Female

Something inside me has shifted. I don’t know if it was a switch flipping on or off, but suddenly I’m aware of things I’ve never seen clearly before. It’s like I’m meeting myself for the first time, but also investigating a long-abandoned version of me. Sometimes I feel like a detective, a survivor, and a witness all at once; dusting off forgotten memories and buried emotions that have been quietly running the show.

I feel like the whole cast and crew of Inside Out live in my head—and I’m not just Riley. I’m watching the control panel, the islands, the memory storage, even the monitor that shows what Riley sees. I’m the observer, the critic, the rescuer, the fixer, and the confused child, all living inside the same system, trying to speak over each other. Sometimes I don’t know whose voice is talking, or if what I’m saying is fully true when I say it. I catch myself adjusting my words in real time, as if I’ve spent my whole life making sure I say what others want to hear. Not out of malice, but out of survival.

This level of awareness is both fascinating and exhausting. I’m constantly aware of my thoughts and the fact that I’m aware. It feels like I’m running the control tower of a giant airport, watching the weather, scanning radar, managing signals, and trying not to crash, while also being the plane flying through the storm. It’s a lot.

And yet, I’m still functioning. I still show up. I still smile. But it’s getting harder to fake it now that I’ve started unmasking. I don’t want to go back to hiding, but I also don’t know what moving forward looks like. I feel like I’m standing at the edge of a massive canyon where my younger self got lost. Now I’m walking back in with a flashlight, trying to find her.

I know people might think I’m overanalyzing or being dramatic. But this is just how my brain works. I speak in metaphors because they’re the only way I can explain what’s too complex to put plainly. I feel like I have a thousand tabs open in my mind, and I’m finally starting to look at what’s on each one. This might be some combination of autism, ADHD, trauma, or something else, I don’t know yet. But I know it’s real. And I know I’m trying.

I am exploring the world of expressive and emotional writing; I (may not like it 🥺🥲 but I) would love to hear your feedback on any of my writings 📝✨ thanks for reading!

#Neurodiversity #ADHD #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Anxiety #Depression #MentalHealth #Loneliness #PanicAttacks

(edited)
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I’m so angry

So when I was 20 I went to rehab for my mental health. I was just sa ed. The treatment sucked everywhere how is sitting In a room helping? Anyways. I got sent to the hospital for a panic attack after a staff touched me and was being inappropriate with me and they took my switch and my phone and all my clothes I was left with only the clothes on my back. I tried calling to get it back but nothing I called so many times and they don’t answer worth anything. It’s been a 2ish years and I still try calling but nothing helps I never knew what to do and I feel as hopeless as I was in there. #Depression #PTSD #MentalHealth

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Considering renewing my school psychologist license

I am not telling many people I know about this, but I decided to study to see if I could pass the exam to renew my school psychologist license.

I still am not able to work, as I am still working through various things and I have a lot of symptoms. I am still disabled.

However, I do want to see if I can get my brain to start performing more work/school tasks, if that makes sense. I have weird gaps in my functioning that I am hoping that EMDR will help (mostly things tied to trauma from being homeless and violations of medical rights). I still struggle to concentrate on things, and understand things. But if EMDR works like I hope, my panic attacks will be reduced significantly, I won’t have as many flashbacks, and I won’t be as dysregulated. This will obviously take time. I also have no idea what is going on with my physical health conditions.

I don’t know if I will be able to return to work any time “soon,” or if I want to return to the same field. However, it is a profession that is high in need and it’s kind of a protective factor for me, as well as a test (literally). But one step at a time.

#CheerMeOn #MentalHealth #Disability #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #ADHD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

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How Do You Deal With Turbulence?

Many people struggle with turbulence when it comes to fear of flying. Some spend much of a flight anticipating turbulence, almost bracing for it throughout the flight while hoping it doesn't show up. Even though people know rationally in their minds that turbulence is a part of flying and doesn't present any reasonable danger (outside of not wearing a seatbelt during turbulence), the emotional experience of turbulence can feel like you are in danger— that catastrophe either is happening, or about to happen.

Fear of Turbulence

There's a lot that goes into fear of turbulence, psychologically and emotionally on deeper levels, and these underlying causes for the fear generally vary from person to person. The body can emotionally have a way of responding immediately to turbulence, whether it's tension, a pit in the stomach, heart rate increasing, sweaty palms, panic, rapid breathing, and more. Thoughts and worries can start to surface, imagining all of the bad things that could happen or may be happening, even if they're not actually happening. These "what if's" can take over when feeling out of control and scared. These are important to address while working to overcome fear of flying.

The vulnerability that comes along with being in a shaking plane can feel incredibly overwhelming. Many people with flying anxiety experience the moment turbulence starts as an indication everything is going wrong. It goes from smooth and stable to out of control and seemingly catastrophic very quickly.

Fear of Flying Programs and Even Many Therapies Miss on Treating Turbulence (and Flying Anxiety as a Whole)

Turbulence has stumped people over time who try to help with fear of flying. While I work with the whole range of fear of flying (from people who fly with anxiety to those who don't fly at at all), I do hear from a significant number of people who haven't been able to overcome the fear of turbulence in spite of all of the therapies and programs by airlines and pilots they have tried. They may learn a lot about turbulence, but still can't stop the emotional response when in it, or in the anticipation of it.

One of the reasons people often feel little improvement for fear of flying and turbulence is that the vast majority of what's out there uses typical emotional regulation techniques that have never really worked well in flying scenarios (imagery or breathing exercises). While these types of exercises can be useful for parts of the overall flying anxiety process, they don't tend to be so helpful with with calming anxiety and panic once it has taken over. These exercises often misdirect people into trying to control their feelings in ways that emotionally sets up an internal battle in these fearful moments. If you feel like your safety is truly being threatened, you can't just start meditating or deep breathing with any sort of effectiveness. It becomes a tug-of-war that often leaves people feeling more out of control and helpless.

So, How Can People Approach Turbulence in a Way that Can Be Helpful?

I've written a lot about my approach to helping people overcome fear of flying in other articles if you wish to read more. A significant piece of overcoming fear of flying is shifting how we experience flying and how we interact with it. The same goes for turbulence. When we get caught up in trying to make big feelings smaller, or trying to figuratively run away from the turbulence (which many common emotional regulation techniques aim to do), we are already fighting a losing battle. As much as we may urge to, we can't run away from the turbulence when we're in the plane with it.

Therefore, it becomes necessary to shift how we interact with the turbulence, as opposed to battling it for emotional control. Rather than trying to get away from it, it's important to start finding the middle ground between smooth and catastrophic, and start shifting the "what if's" into "what is". A lot of people who struggle with flying anxiety can find it difficult to locate that middle ground, which can lead to catastrophic feelings if any turbulence shows up (or a certain threshold of shaking or bumping in the plane is crossed).

A Turbulence Exercise

I have created a number of turbulence exercises that focuses on shifting how you engage with turbulence—effectively changing the interaction with it, locating the what is and the middle ground—which actually gives you the space to feel more empowered and in control in these moments. When you can coexist with the turbulence, you allow the room to start to experience that it's not as scary.

One starter exercise is to "rate the bumps" in turbulence.

What does this involve?

It's how it sounds. When the plane bumps or shakes, rate the intensity of the bump on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the strongest bump). Keep a list on your phone or write it down somewhere as you experience each bump. Keep writing down rating of each bump through turbulent moments—3/10, 6/10, 4/10, 3/10 again, etc. Try to be reasonable with it. If every bump is a 10/10 then try to challenge yourself to find a different number for as many as possible. As turbulence happens, continue to add to the list while looking back over the list to remind yourself of the middle ground between catastrophe and calm.

Building On This Technique and Overcoming Fear of Flying

This one exercise shouldn't be expected to cure your fear of turbulence on its own, so don't over expect from it. But it can hopefully start to lower the catastrophic feelings just a bit into a middle ground, as you allow yourself to experience a different interaction with turbulence. You're not running from it now, you're engaging with it. This allows the space to be in the room (or plane) with turbulence and, mixed in with other turbulence exercises and working through your own fear, this new interaction can go a long way towards overcoming fear of turbulence and flying anxiety as a whole.

#Phobia #fearofflying #Claustrophobia #PanicAttacks #Anxiety #Agoraphobia #flyinganxiety

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Gene sight testing and medication change

My psychiatrist and I did gene sight testing this month and today I had my appointment today.
I usually know a decent amount about this stuff, but I am confused (so is she). My “levels” are high and that means I lower doses of medications are recommended but I don’t feel anything on most meds. Even if they are for the first time I’ve tried them.

My cptsd symptoms mostly present as high energy, panic attacks, and a lot of body sensations. I rarely experience episodes of depression and we are pretty sure we have the correct diagnoses. But the anxiety is so hard even though I am doing so much work. I don’t know if it’s cortisol, or that my trauma response is still too high, or if it could be something to do with my thyroid or my liver. Anyways, I’m going to have to email my doctor because my therapist thought something was up physically since my anxiety is still so high.
My doctor is trying me on Limictal now. I’m concerned about issues with my memory because it already is pretty hard due to brain fog.

Anyways, thank you to anyone who reads this. If you can relate to any of this, please let me know. I’m usually good at identifying causes and I’m just so confused now.

#MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #ChronicIllness #AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #POTS #Agoraphobia #Anxiety #PanicDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #ADHD #Disability

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