perfectionism

My book, "Grass Is Greener Syndrome: Relationships, Commitment, Perfectionism, and the Life-Changing Fear of Missing Out" is now available! For those who are new to this topic, Grass Is Greener Syndrome is an issue I've specialized in working with in my therapy and coaching practice, and have researched for many years. It is a phenomenon that many people face -- often with respect to relationships, career/jobs, or where to live -- that makes it difficult to settle down in life, even when wanting to. It can often feel like there's something better you're missing out on. You may be existing with one foot out the door of your relationships and even when a situation seems to be ideal at first, once the grass is greener cycle sets in, you start to feel doubt in your relationship until eventually you decide to start over to find the next better option.

For people who struggle with grass is greener tendencies, it can be a torturous tug-of-war feeling like the "next" person or place (or even a previous one) is where the happiness and fulfillment is waiting, while often feeling underwhelmed, disappointed, unsatisfied, or bored in the present. In the moment, it often feels like where you are isn't good enough and it's hard to avoid the lure of the fantasies of the better life waiting for you elsewhere. The repetition of this cycle can lead people into depression, hopelessness, and anxiety, and also result in decision-making paralysis, potentially feeling like a passenger in your own life.

The book goes into depth to show how Grass Is Greener Syndrome has generally been building for a long period of time when the cycle starts actively impacting people's lives, and how it has a way of combining various areas of struggle into one place. Things that have been touched upon in previous articles -- such as the starvation of needs, and the grip of nostalgia -- will be expanded upon in greater depth, while also exploring numerous elements of this issue haven't been shared before. The book also includes (confidentiality-protected) stories of people who have struggled and worked through Grass Is Greener Syndrome.

It is possible to overcome Grass Is Greener Syndrome, and I have seen many people work through this issue. It can often feel hopeless for people while in the grip of the cycle and continuing to play it out over and over. The first step is just becoming aware that there is a pattern leading you to chronically starting over in areas of life where you want to settle down.

If you wish to order the book, it is available through most major bookstores online and on Kindle.

#grassisgreenersyndrome #Relationships #commitment #perfectionism #Anxiety #Depression #intimacy

If you haven't read my other articles or seen my webinar on Grass Is Greener Syndrome, they are on my website. A new book on Grass Is Greener Syndrome is also coming soon.

Grass Is Greener Syndrome is a deeply complex issue that leaves people perpetually moving from one relationship -- or job, career, place to live, or otherwise -- to the next. It feels like you are never able to fully settle down or feel truly fulfilled where you are, at least for more than brief periods of time. It can be torture for people who truly long to be settled and creating intimate, deep, and meaningful relationships that can grow over time. Even when in longer term relationships of different kinds, people with grass is greener struggles can often feel almost continuously like they have one foot out the door and are looking for what they're missing out on.

Grass Is Greener Syndrome combines a variety of struggles into one place -- including, but not limited to, issues with perfectionism, commitment, intimacy, fear of missing out, anxiety, and more (though there is more to it than just different issues happening side-by-side). By the time people experience the symptoms of the grass is greener cycle having a noticeable life impact, it's usually been building for a long period of time.

Fulfillment is Anywhere But "Here"

It takes a whole book to really lay out all that happens in Grass Is Greener Syndrome, which will be released shortly, so I won't go into everything here. For this post, I'm focusing on the meaning of the "next" relationship, which is one of the common traits of Grass Is Greener Syndrome.

It can be difficult to feel happy and fulfilled in the present with this struggle, meaning the satisfaction you desire may seem to usually be waiting wherever you are not. When people struggle with the grass is greener cycle, it often feels like the "next" relationship (or career, place, etc.) is going to have everything you've been looking for. This mindset causes people to fall into a pattern of ending relationships, starting over in various situations in life repeatedly, feeling the present isn't good enough and the better situation they are missing out on is waiting elsewhere.

With the grass is greener struggle, it can often feel like the search has never ended -- except for when the present relationship is at its brightest green grass. Brand new, shiny, and when nothing has started to fade and turn color yet. You're excited, euphoric, hopeful, happy, eager, motivated, connected, etc. This is when the relationship is at its most ideal.

The Green Grass Starts to Fade and the Fear of Missing Out

Once the day-to-day relationship starts to take over and the euphoria starts to fade a bit from the new, this often becomes unsettling for the person with grass is greener struggles. While someone who doesn't experience grass is greener struggles may experience this as a normal shift that relationships make, someone who struggles in the grass is greener mindset will usually experience this shift as an indicator that the relationship isn't right anymore. It may feel like the relationship has turned bad, or that something is "wrong" with it now that the honeymoon is over. As a result, all of the other options on the outside start to suddenly look really good and draw you away from the present.

This is where people often fear they are missing out on something better. The present is no longer perfect and euphoric. The relationship has flaws and disappointments now, more work is expected than hoped, your needs are possibly starting to feel neglected in certain areas, and the struggles are taking more space than the good feelings.

Chasing the Fantasy

With Grass is Greener Syndrome, it can often be difficult to distinguish the fantasy from the reality. There is the desire for an ideal. It may not only be an ideal image in mind, but potentially an ideal feeling that is being chased -- and it feels attainable. The complex part is that it may even be temporarily attainable. However, it is generally the case in Grass Is Greener Syndrome that the ideal fantasy doesn't last. The image of perfection, the greenest grass, somehow is only there for a short period of time before the rest of the grass is greener cycle takes over (the cycle is discussed more in detail in the upcoming book).

It becomes greatly difficult for many people who struggle with Grass Is Greener Syndrome to settle down, even if they truly want to settle down. It ends up feeling like if they commit in their present reality that they will lose the greater dream, the fantasy will be gone and they will end up in a state of depression, hopeless and defeated in life with nothing to look forward to anymore. Anxiety often starts to take over, and in the active grass is greener state (there is also a passive grass is greener state), the "next" person, job, or place becomes the hope to keep the ideal dream (the fantasy image) alive. It feels like it's either one, or the other.

Moving Forward

But, what happens when the "next" keeps turning up similar results as the previous? This is often when people contact me to start addressing their grass is greener struggles. People often find themselves becoming highly anxious even to the point of panic attacks, struggling to choose between starting over with the "next", or feeling they're going to settle for less in the present. A bit of a spoiler alert: making the issue about choosing one or the other usually plays right into the grass is greener pattern, only strengthening the cycle. While sometimes change is really what's needed, resolving Grass Is Greener Syndrome is generally about undoing the cycle.

It is possible to overcome Grass Is Greener Syndrome. If you've noticed yourself struggling with starting over repeatedly, having a foot out the door of your relationships, or having a hard time with fulfillment, it may be worthwhile to look into help to start moving forward.

#grassisgreenersyndrome #grassisgreener #Anxiety #MentalHealth #perfectionism #commitment #Relationships

Experiencing feelings of failure and underachievement can be frustrating and defeating, especially when you feel like you're capable of more, or you're doing what seems to be enough but are not feeling rewarded or appreciated for your efforts. When feeling like you're not good enough, or like you're failing at something -- a relationship, a job, etc. -- it can start to not only hurt your confidence, but can also hurt your sense of self-worth.

Feelings of underachievement, however, don’t always reflect reality. Even highly productive people may sometimes still see themselves as falling short, creating a disconnect between achieving and the perception of not doing (or being) enough. These persistent feelings of coming up short can make it difficult to experience success in relationships, work, or other aspects of life, and can actually lead to break ups, or self-fulfilling prophecies that can create the failure that you fear. For many, misaligned feelings of failure can lead to constantly looking for a better situation and repeatedly starting over, believing that the problem is external and not internal.

Perfectionism Can Cause Feelings of Failure and Underachievement

Perfectionism can be a double-edged sword. While it may help drive you to excel, it can also set unrealistic standards and expectations that actually set up disappointment and feeling like you're failing, even if you may doing enough in other people's eyes. You may constantly strive for an unattainable ideal, in the process overlooking your achievements along the way.

For many people, this can lead to a sense of imposter syndrome, and can make you feel defeated. You may start to doubt your abilities and feel undeserving of success, often feeling like you may not know what you're doing at work, or feeling like you're not enough in your relationship (which can create other relationship issues as well).

How Society Can Exacerbate Feelings of Underachievement

In today’s world, people are bombarded with images of others’ successes (or, at least the successes the others portray). This comparison culture can lead to feelings of inadequacy and failure, even when you’re succeeding in or your own life, making progress, doing enough, or being enough. Social media, in particular, often presents a curated version of reality, and for many people, comparing themselves to these images can make it easy to feel like they're falling behind or not achieving enough in their life.

A person's sense of achievement can also be significantly impacted by societal stereotypes and expectations based on gender, race, or socioeconomic status. This can create added pressure to conform or excel in specific areas, potentially overshadowing your own unique strengths and accomplishments.

Growing Up, Self-Worth, and Self-Esteem

There are a number of factors based on upbringing that can make people lean more towards perfectionism and feeling like they are constantly underachieving or failing. Issues with self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence can show up as part of family dynamics, difficulty socially, friction at home, being bullied at school, academic expectations, and so on.

When a child feels like they aren't good enough, or are struggling to make their mark at home with their parents, at school as a student, are struggling socially, or when things happen at home such as neglect, abuse, divorce, and more, it can be difficult to develop a strong sense of self-worth and self-esteem. For a number of deeper psychological and emotional reasons, when a person feels like they're falling short, or are not enough as a child, it often can lead as an adult to pushing harder to achieve in order to gain self-acceptance (and acceptance and approval from others). And, while you may actually be doing enough, it still can feel like you're really falling short or still failing because you may be carrying the emotional impact of your childhood with you.

Grass is Greener Syndrome

If you have read my other posts on Grass is Greener Syndrome (check my website if you're reading this elsewhere), you may have seen how perfectionism and feelings of not being enough can make it very hard to feel satisfied in life, in relationships, in work, or where you live (among other things). When you're not feeling like you are good enough and are constantly falling short with yourself, it can lead to feeling like things around you are also falling short of what you need. For many, this is a piece of the greater grass is greener cycle that can keep people in a loop of starting over and looking for the "better" scenario that's going to make them happy. However, when not addressing the deeper inadequacy leading to feelings of misaligned failure and falling short, this cycle of feeling like nothing is good enough can be hard to break.

Seeking Help and Moving Forward

If you notice a pattern within yourself that you're constantly seeming to come up short, or are at least often feel like you're not meeting expectations, or that others are disappointed in you, and so on, seeking therapy is a good place to start to work on this. If it turns out you are actually falling short, then it would be helpful to start to understand why this is happening and how to get you onto a better track. If you are actually struggling more with a sense of self-worth rather than actually falling short, then it would be good to understand this misalignment on the inside versus reality in the world so it doesn't lead to greater self-destructive tendencies.

#perfectionism #fearoffailure #grassisgreenersyndrome

Perfectionism can put a significant strain on relationships. People with perfectionistic tendencies can often lead to feeling dissatisfied and unfulfilled in a relationship. When it's difficult to embrace imperfections in a relationship, it can lead to criticism, and an erosion of intimacy and connection. Perfectionism can create tension, frustration, distrust, and hinder genuine connection.

How Perfectionism Can Harm Relationships

Perfectionism has a way of creating distance in a relationship, often making your partner feel they're not good enough and somehow always coming up short. If you set unrealistic expectations for your partner to become perfect (or close to it), it generally leads to resentment and disappointment, and can take the life out of the relationship.

Unrealistic Expectations

Perfectionism often leads to unrealistic expectations in relationships. You may hold your partner to impossibly high standards, expecting them, on some level, to make you happy or fulfilled by their actions or who they are in the relationship. This often leads to pressure to come through with the impossible, and can your partner feel resentful, guilty, defeated, or a number of other negative feelings towards themselves and the relationship. Over time, these expectations can impact trust and intimacy, leaving your partner feeling inadequate and constantly scrutinized.

Deeper Fears

The perfectionist’s relentless pursuit of flawlessness can stem from a variety of deeper inadequacies. Some of these can be a fear of their own imperfections and flaws, coping with trauma or past abuse or neglect, fear of failure, or even a carryover from trying to reduce parental arguments or marital issues in the house growing up, and more. You may constantly strive for unattainable standards, terrified of making mistakes or falling short, due to the scary perceived repercussions. A perfectionist often fears that if they (and the others around them) aren't perfect, then everything will fall apart.

Criticism and Judgment

Perfectionism can often manifest as criticism and judgment in relationships. You may constantly scrutinize your partner’s actions, appearance, or decisions. This mindset can build resentment into the relationship, erode trust and intimacy, and create an atmosphere of tension and anxiety. Your partner may feel like they’re walking on eggshells, never quite knowing how to meet these standards. Over time, this constant judgment can lead to decreased self-esteem, and, ultimately, relationship breakdown.

Difficulty Asking for Help

People who struggle with perfectionism can sometimes find it difficult to ask for help, fearing it may reveal their perceived inadequacies. You might hesitate to delegate tasks or request support, believing you should be able to handle everything on your own. For many, this can be the result of being left to figure out their own emotions and figure out life growing up without much emotional support. However, help is something necessary for everybody, and when not able to ask for help, people can often implode under the impossible pressure of making everything happen themselves.

This reluctance to utilize help can strain relationships, as partners may feel excluded or undervalued; or even because the stress levels of the perfectionist who is trying to figure out everything on their own makes it difficult to be emotionally available for the relationship. Recognizing that asking for help is a strength and necessity is important for not only relationships, but for overall mental health stability.

All-or-Nothing Thinking

Perfectionism very often shows up in all-or-nothing thinking. You may view situations in extreme terms, seeing outcomes as complete successes or total failures. This black-and-white mentality can lead to unrealistic expectations of yourself and your partner, creating unnecessary stress and conflict in your relationships, and for yourself. It can feel as if any shortcoming collapses everything, leading to impossible pressure to achieve perfection. This can also lead to higher anxiety, stress, and depression for you, and even for others around you.

Allowing Help & Moving Forward

There is more to perfectionism than the above. While it isn't necessarily an issue to strive for perfection in some ways, as this can be an asset to people in certain areas of life, it is important to know how to make space for imperfection, flaws, and middle ground, especially in relationships. A relationship is, at its core, made up of two people who are humans and have flaws. Expecting perfection in many ways is already a setup for failure in a relationship.

#Relationships #MentalHealth #perfectionism #Anxiety #Depression

Perfectionism can put a significant strain on relationships. People with perfectionistic tendencies can often lead to feeling dissatisfied and unfulfilled in a relationship. When it's difficult to embrace imperfections in a relationship, it can lead to criticism, and an erosion of intimacy and connection. Perfectionism can create tension, frustration, distrust, and hinder genuine connection.

How Perfectionism Can Harm Relationships

Perfectionism has a way of creating distance in a relationship, often making your partner feel they're not good enough and somehow always coming up short. If you set unrealistic expectations for your partner to become perfect (or close to it), it generally leads to resentment and disappointment, and can take the life out of the relationship.

Unrealistic Expectations

Perfectionism often leads to unrealistic expectations in relationships. You may hold your partner to impossibly high standards, expecting them, on some level, to make you happy or fulfilled by their actions or who they are in the relationship. This often leads to pressure to come through with the impossible, and can your partner feel resentful, guilty, defeated, or a number of other negative feelings towards themselves and the relationship. Over time, these expectations can impact trust and intimacy, leaving your partner feeling inadequate and constantly scrutinized.

Deeper Fears

The perfectionist’s relentless pursuit of flawlessness can stem from a variety of deeper inadequacies. Some of these can be a fear of their own imperfections and flaws, coping with trauma or past abuse or neglect, fear of failure, or even a carryover from trying to reduce parental arguments or marital issues in the house growing up, and more. You may constantly strive for unattainable standards, terrified of making mistakes or falling short, due to the scary perceived repercussions. A perfectionist often fears that if they (and the others around them) aren't perfect, then everything will fall apart.

Criticism and Judgment

Perfectionism can often manifest as criticism and judgment in relationships. You may constantly scrutinize your partner’s actions, appearance, or decisions. This mindset can build resentment into the relationship, erode trust and intimacy, and create an atmosphere of tension and anxiety. Your partner may feel like they’re walking on eggshells, never quite knowing how to meet these standards. Over time, this constant judgment can lead to decreased self-esteem, and, ultimately, relationship breakdown.

Difficulty Asking for Help

People who struggle with perfectionism can sometimes find it difficult to ask for help, fearing it may reveal their perceived inadequacies. You might hesitate to delegate tasks or request support, believing you should be able to handle everything on your own. For many, this can be the result of being left to figure out their own emotions and figure out life growing up without much emotional support. However, help is something necessary for everybody, and when not able to ask for help, people can often implode under the impossible pressure of making everything happen themselves.

This reluctance to utilize help can strain relationships, as partners may feel excluded or undervalued; or even because the stress levels of the perfectionist who is trying to figure out everything on their own makes it difficult to be emotionally available for the relationship. Recognizing that asking for help is a strength and necessity is important for not only relationships, but for overall mental health stability.

All-or-Nothing Thinking

Perfectionism very often shows up in all-or-nothing thinking. You may view situations in extreme terms, seeing outcomes as complete successes or total failures. This black-and-white mentality can lead to unrealistic expectations of yourself and your partner, creating unnecessary stress and conflict in your relationships, and for yourself. It can feel as if any shortcoming collapses everything, leading to impossible pressure to achieve perfection. This can also lead to higher anxiety, stress, and depression for you, and even for others around you.

Allowing Help & Moving Forward

There is more to perfectionism than the above. While it isn't necessarily an issue to strive for perfection in some ways, as this can be an asset to people in certain areas of life, it is important to know how to make space for imperfection, flaws, and middle ground, especially in relationships. A relationship is, at its core, made up of two people who are humans and have flaws. Expecting perfection in many ways is already a setup for failure in a relationship.

#Relationships #MentalHealth #perfectionism #Anxiety #Depression

Today's affirmation given by The Mighty is — "If you have a setback, remember — you're not starting from scratch, you're starting from experience."

This is how the mindset of someone, whose stuck in perfectionism, should be.
Perfectionism is never worth it. Let me give you a few points to take it too far. I'm sure they'll help you understand how irrational the idea of being obsessed with perfection is:
1. You're going to school.
2. You decide to pay attention in classes perfectly.
3. However, you fall asleep in one of the classes. Bam! When you realise that, you decide to leave your school, thinking that you've failed to execute your goal of a perfect, error-free school life.
4. In Google, you type 'Perfect school near me'.
5. You get no results. Bam! You stop using Google, considering it imperfect and worthless. You think that Google did a mistake by not giving you a single search result.
6. You think of what search engine to use, which is perfect.
7. You eventually don't find any perfect search engine.
8. You ask ChatGPT, "Which search engine is perfect?". ChatGPT gives you this answer: "Sorry, I can't assist.". Damn it!! You even stop using ChatGPT, considering it to be imperfect because of its response.
9. In a newspaper, you search for articles which recommend you schools to get admitted to. Bam! You find your old school mentioned in such an article. You stop reading newspapers, considering it to be a mistake in that article, and thus, considering newspapers to be imperfect.
10. You eventually find out that all schools in the world are imperfect.
11. You eventually find yourself imperfect.
12. You eventually find your life imperfect too.
13. You get suicidal ideations because of that.

But, here's a very good example:
14. You consider even your suicidal ideations useless. You don't find death perfect, and you don't find life perfect either.
So, what's the way out of this?

The way out is creating a divorce application by yourself and signing it by yourself. In that way, consider yourself divorced from perfectionism.

But again, the problem here could be looking for a perfect way to create a perfect divorce application form.

Ultimately, you'll abuse yourself for such obsession with perfection. So, why even care about marrying perfection and staying committed to it?

Had fun at art class last night. Had fun drawing trees. For the first time, after a fruitless attempt to draw a tree from my phone, I stopped trying and started playing about, drawing trees from my mind instead. Particularly proud of this one. It reminds me of EH Shephard's 100 acre wood illustrations (though not as complex - he was a brilliant artist ☺️)

#ArtTherapy #perfectionism #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #PTSDSupportAndRecovery #MightyArtRoom #ThePencilCase

#MentalHealth #perfectionism

Perfectionism is a trait that makes life an endless report card on accomplishments or looks. When healthy, it can be self-motivating and drive you to overcome adversity and achieve success. When unhealthy, it can be a fast and enduring track to unhappiness.

What makes extreme perfectionism so toxic is that while those in its grip desire success, they are most focused on avoiding failure, resulting in a negative orientation. They don’t believe in unconditional love, expecting others’ affection and approval to be dependent on a flawless performance.

If you’re wondering whether you are a perfectionist, there’s a good chance you are—at least to a degree. There's also a good chance you have some investment in being a perfectionist because of the positive connotations of the word "perfect."

Perfectionists are a lot like high achievers, but with some key differences. Here we share the differences, revealing ten telltale signs of a perfectionist — signs that you may be able to spot in yourself or people you know.

You can refer to this:

resiliens.com/resilify/program/how-to-overcome-perfectionism