October 20, 2019...the time is 7:00 AM, I’m in my boyfriend’s truck on our way home from house sitting at his folks house. The sun is rising, the autumn colors are becoming more vibrant as the light hits them, it’s beautiful...so why am I suddenly filled with so much sorrow and anxiety?
My heart rate rapidly picks up pace and my head begins to fill with those unpleasant thoughts and sayings...”kill yourself,” “everything would be better without you..” “no one REALLY cares about you, ya know?” The logical part of my brain tells me that these things aren’t true and it’s just my brain playing tricks on me, but oh how believable it all sounds when I’m in a mentally vulnerable state. I hold the thoughts off and sweep them under the “rug” in my mind, everything is fine until we get home. My boyfriend is leaving to go fishing all day with his friend, it was a beautiful day for it too. I wanted to be cool and calm like I normally am, but all those feelings I swept away suddenly came gushing out of me...I go quiet, I start to lose control of my breathing and the tears begin to roll down my face.
I do my best to hide it from him, but he knows me to well and catches on, to make a long story short, I convinced him I was okay...but I wasn’t. Truthfully, the second he shut that door, I grabbed a knife out of the kitchen and walked over to the couch and sat down. I held it against my left wrist for 20 minutes, traced my veins with it...all while thinking, “one good jab in and drag across my arm, I could be done with it all. All the hurt” but let’s be honest, I’m not “ballsy” enough to take my own life. I have a mind that wants to die but a body that wants to live. How do you over come that? It’s an ongoing battle.
While I sat there and contemplated my life and death all while still holding that knife in my hand, my dog came downstairs (I love animals) he looked at me and licked my tear soaked face as if to say “it’s okay, I love you always. Even at your “ugliest” moments.” Between the anxiety attack and suicidal thoughts, my body calmed ever so slightly that I laid down, curled up and soon after passed out from mental and emotional exhaustion.
It’s 4:30 PM, I wake up from a 7 hour nap, I have many texts from my boyfriend checking in on me, telling me how much he loves me and that it’ll be okay, I still have the knife in my hand as well. In an exhausted state, I get up and put it back...it’s good I didn’t roll around much. That could’ve been dangerous.
For a moment, I forget what I was feeling. I forget that 7 hours ago I wanted nothing more than to end my life, I hated my existence. And it all seemed so surreal. But I was okay. My boyfriend came home and held me close. Thank goodness for him. Thank god for my nap, because somedays I don’t know if I’d survive this life.
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