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Controlling codependent emotions!

I keep wanting to message my new man friend..
I know if I want a healthy relationship in the future I need to maintain my own space and the trust to let him have his!
I don't want to come on strong or scare him off, infact I don't want to be awake at 1am wondering about all the possibilities..

I've got enough diagnosis's I could blame that on.. #BipolarDepression #CPTSD #BDD #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #Survivor

But I'm choosing to consciously change my behaviour patterns, I don't want to engage in negitive, codependent or unhealthy relationships.. as well as Knowing my self worth that also means being aware of my actions when I'm starting a possible new relationship dynamic and challenging the bits I know are unhealthy.. like my need for approval, my want to have the person I'm starting to care about to dote on me or be in constant contact with me..

These are My issues and ones I don't want to carry forward into my new relationships, so I'm viewing this each emotion as it arises and not giving in to old habits of acting clingy or just validating my day via if someone connected me or not!

I'm just buzzing to be building a new connection with someone who shares my passions for nature, animal welfare, wild swimming and foraging..
These are the things I want to be doing in my new life in the countryside!
it's awesome to think I might build a relationship with someone that is not based on just empathy or shared trauma but actually on shared passions in life!

In the last 9 months since being raped, ive been on my own and I've Grown so so much!
I've been single for long periods before but I was always having casual sexual relationships, this was the first time I truly Only focused on my own energy and didn't search out a physical connection with anyone at all for nearly a year..

Partly to protect myself but the knock on effect has been Amazing and I didn't really know it until I started making a new bond with someone and observed all the differences in the way I deal with the whole experience!
also that I feel worthy of someone who truly cares about my past trauma, mental well-being, shares my passions and wants to learn about me in aid to better be able to take care of me not to manipulate me.

Massive positive changes and a greater ability to gage what is healthy in starting relationships! Yayyy!
Time working on self care and having a therapist to talk tob had a huge positive impact!! ☺️

#Fibromyaliga #CPTSD #BipolarDisorder #Survivor #childhoodtrama #Relationships #SexAndRelationships #SexAndBipolar #movingforward #Hope #copingskills


Manic episode

Yesterday, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was like I woke up in a different body. I was exhasuted and confused and hopeless. I fell out of my manic. I haven’t had one in a while. I didn’t feel it coming on and I didn’t feel it when it was happening. I felt great. I cleaned my entire house from top to bottom, I was being an over achiever. I got happy. But then, I couldn’t control my impulses and I contacted someone I never should have contacted. I displayed strong hyper sexual activity and confidence.

Sometimes I don’t want to be myself anymore.

I do not want to be bipolar anymore.

I do not want to hurt people anymore.

I do not want to hurt myself anymore.

I want and I need stability, a sense of self and remission.

#BipolarDepression #Mania #SexAndBipolar