Sex is a touchy topic for many reasons, be it past trauma, religious beliefs, moral ideologies, or LGBTQ... preferences. Guess what, though? I’m going to take that big, bad, 3-letter word out of hiding, today. Oh, and it’s fine to disagree with me, because I honestly don’t know 100% how I feel about it, either. I’m just sick of hiding.
I was raised to believe that any type of sexual encounter outside of marriage (or a mutually committed relationship with the view of “forever”) is sinful, and frankly, I still lean towards that belief. However, I’m just going to be real, here, and admit that I haven’t behaved according to my beliefs in many ways.
In my very early adulthood, I didn’t believe that I was good enough for any “decent, Christian man” so I gave myself away to men who cared for me, at least a little, but didn’t love me or share most (if any) of my beliefs. I had this stupid, naïve notion that if they got me pregnant, it would magically make them committed to me and eventually actually love me. I know, I know: it was beyond naïve and incredibly stupid. Thankfully, that never happened, and miraculously, I met a man who shared my beliefs, and fell madly in love with me, and vis versa. We got married and lived happily ever after, the end...right?
Well, more or less. We’ve been married for 10 years, have 3 kids (8, 6, & 4), and are still madly in love, but loving someone doesn’t mean “happily ever after”. Unfortunately, loving someone and having 3 kids in 4 years, doesn’t even mean having a healthy sex life. It just meant we sucked at using condoms appropriately. (Ie: I hated the damn things!)
So, surprise, surprise: having babies didn’t magically improve my feelings of self-worth. Losing 3 of them in the first few weeks of pregnancy sure didn’t help, either. Having a baby who couldn’t be consoled for half the day for his first several months of life? Yeah, that was a killer. One thing’s for sure, those little blessings are definite cock-blockers, but we didn’t even need that to have a messed up sex life.
Media often portrays males as the ones with the overactive sex drive, and it’s often blown off as no big deal. However, when females have a sex drive, we’re labeled as promiscuous, slutty, etc. How is a woman supposed to feel when the roles between her and her partner are reversed? I, for one, felt unattractive, and shameful, but I couldn’t admit that to my husband, because I’d been raised not to talk about things like that. NOT HEALTHY!! I still struggle to talk to him about it, though we’ve tried over the years. He’s always told me how beautiful I am, and he kisses me all the damn time. I know for certain that he loves me more than anything. But the infrequent sex has made me feel broken in some way.
Part 2- The Fallout....