sibling loss

This is a letter I wrote to my brother after he had passed. I gave this to him before he was buried.

“I am going to miss you so much. I’m going to miss our weekly phone calls after work. It was something I would look forward to because I couldn’t wait to tell you something or talk about our favorite tv show or a new movie. I’m going to miss laughing with you and being a complete weirdo. Not a lot of people got to see that side of me but you were the very first. You made me feel loved. There is no doubt in my mind or heart that you loved me. I felt it all the time. I am so hurt and heartbroken by your choice to take your life. But I want you to know that I forgive you. I blame depression, heartbreak, and pain. I know that you were going through hell. I know my true authentic brother wouldn’t want to leave us behind. You truly are a good person. I’m often thinking that you are a better person than me. The many relationships you have maintained since you were a little boy, to the kindness you show to a stranger is so much more than I could ever do. I wish you could have seen yourself through everyone’s eyes. You were, are, and will always be loved by many. I really don’t know how I’m going to continue life without you and it hurts so bad imagining you not in it, but I know that life does have to go on and I will try so hard to keep going. We have to keep pushing and living for you. I know that you want us to keep living and I know you don’t want us to hurt - it wasn’t your intention to hurt us. I just hope that some day I will be able to receive peace. Peace for the loss of your life and peace for how you took it. I know that your suicide, suicide attempts, and those last 3 weeks will haunt me for a long time to come, but I hope to have peace some day. I cry as I’m writing this letter because this is something I never wanted to do. I never wanted it to come to this. I know you told me that the pain I would feel when your gone is exactly how you are feeling, and at the time it made me angry and I’m not going to lie I still don’t like it, but I now i understand… and I’m so sad you couldn’t pull out of that darkness. I fought so hard for you and I did everything I knew to do to help you. I knew deep, deep down that you would eventually take your life but it’s still hard to accept… I just want you to know that you were truly the best big brother and I loved you SO much more than any words can describe. I hope you will be able the hear these words from my heart and I hope that someday you will be able to show yourself to me. Show me that you are still with me, I need a sign - maybe show me you a close by giving me goosebumps or as something I can physically see. You can choose. I miss you so much!!! I love you. I can’t wait to hug you and laugh with you again some day. I will be writing you often, so this is not the last time you hear from me - I hope you will be able to hear my words and feel my love in heaven. May you Rest In Peace sweet Brother. “

#Depression #SiblingLoss #Mourning #NationalSuicidePreventionWeek #Death

It’s okay to want your space, or not to spend Christmas at all. That’s. Okay.
The holidays are so difficult for so many, while some may not understand.
You’re not alone. Although that feeling in your heart, your chest feels so heavy that you just can’t get yourself to even get up in the morning. I’m proud that you did, even if that’s ALL you did. Grieving isn’t easy, it doesn’t go away, we just learn to grow AROUND our grief, we cannot blame ourselves for not “being in the spirit” , being depressed and not answering calls, and can’t even bear to face any of your family because of that pit in your stomach and your throat.
I lost my brother this May due to Addiction, and this is our first holiday without him, and to be honest my dad is taking it really hard..I don’t even know what to say because nothing I say will bring my brother, his son back. Grief comes in waves, it’s the cornerstore at 3pm on a hot summers day, the driving home after a great day with no trigger, the grocery store on a Saturday. Grief shows up in so many ways, shapes and forms. If someone is grieving, don’t force them to celebrate if they don’t have the mental capacity to, some of us are just trying to survive the day, let alone a whole month of Christmas and “cheer”.
Be thankful if you can spend the holidays with your loved ones. ❤️

Losing my last brother when I had 3! I don’t know how to deal with this too. I can’t hug him good bye. We haven’t spoken for months cause argument:(

#SiblingLoss
www.forevermissed.com/robin-francis-ali

My uncle died last year in April. He was my grandmother’s brother. We were from different cities and saw each other like 2 or 3 times, but he adored me because I was one of his favorite nieces so he always complimented and supported me, calling me “princess”. I just loved him ‘cause he was such a good and understanding soul... When I found out that he’s gone, the news just teared me apart. And now, after almost one year, I realize that I can’t move on because whenever he comes up to my mind, I start crying and hardly can stop. I don’t know if my anxiety is the cause of this but I just want someone to help me... 🥺 #LosingASibling #Death #Anxiety #Loss

To N,

It's been awhile since I last wrote to you and I guess I just couldn't sit long enough with my emotions to understand what I was experiencing in a way I could explain. As I sit here I wonder still about my path if everything we lived through was supposed to bring us here. You, so full of life and happiness with your time cut short...me, doing everything wrong and hiding away afraid to live. After my hospitalization last month I had a brief moment of clarity as if the world was giving me a chance to shine and I was going to do something more than what I have been. It was short lived. These diagnoses, they stack upon each other and I find myself thinking of you again and how you managed your health. How did you do it? How did you manage the autoimmune disorders, the pills, the danger, the fear, all while maintaining a job and a smile every time I saw you? Were you scared too? Were you sad too? There is so much I don't know about you and I will never know and it kills me. I need your strength and your optimism. I don't have it now and I don't know how to get it. I thought of you so much I saw you in my dreams again but now you're different. I don't see you as you were...I see your body...the blank face you have...nothing behind those eyes but the life that is fed into you everyday from medication, food, and oxygen. Would you have wanted this? I wanted to remember your face so badly I searched through photos and I only found 2 within 1 year of losing you. What kind of person am I? To have only this left of you. The essence of your being...its slipping away and i'm scared a time will come where I don't remember you at all. I don't want this to be reality anymore and I don't know what to do. I guess the right answer is the one that everyone says that life doesn't wait for you and you have to keep going. You were such a hard worker and I really looked up to you for that. I miss you very much and I am thinking of you always. You held me close from the very beginning I know that you would want me to stay strong now. It's hard but I will keep writing to keep you here in my heart. I love you always. #Loss #SiblingLoss #Depression #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety