I never thought I would have to grieve our so much. As a child I thought grief was for when someone died. As an adult I know it's so much more! I grieve for the future success in my career, for the children O can't have, for the things I cannot do, for the family I have lost, for time I have lost, for the childhood I never had. The list is much longer than that! So much longer! Chronic Illness and Abuse steals so much from a person. #abusesurvivor #CPTSD #PTSD #arthymias #Anxiety #Depression #treatmentresitantdepression #HypermobilitySyndrome #PsoriaticArthritis #spondylarthritis #methylationissues #Grief #ComplicatedGrief #StagesOfGrief
Updates on Life
Last I posted, I was in a rough spot, needing to share the truth of my mental illness with my parents but being afraid to do so because I feared I would cause burden in their lives. I did finally hit rock bottom one night, however, and the truth came out. And so I moved back in with them, into a loft above their garage, and it's been nice living with people again.
HOWEVER, my grandma (who also lives with us) is a classic narcissist. I've been left to take care of her for two weeks while my parents are in Europe. And yesterday, she went off on a belligerent tirade about how she's being mistreated in this house (not true) and how my parents do nothing for her (except they do everything for her). And when trying to explain she was thinking illogically, she pulled the classic narcissistic acts of gaslighting and turning the whole conversation around to where everyone else was wrong.
I still am recovering from a horrible 3-year marriage with an abusive narcissist, and to say yesterday's argument with my grandma was triggering doesn't even cover it. I ended up in my room, shaking and full of rage that I haven't experienced since the day I decided my marriage was over. I cut for the first time in 2-1/2 years just to release the pain, and I had to take 20mg of Xanax just to sleep (I usually take somewhere between 5 to 10mg when I'm having a panic attack). I still am seething, and I still have 10 days until my parents return from their trip.
Naturally, I can't say anything to my parents until they return home, because I want them to enjoy their trip. But now I'm left realizing how utterly alone I am. I could've used someone to talk to last night, someone to calm me down, someone to walk with me through the darkness and the pure rage. And so now I'm left feeling utterly depressed, realizing how truly alone I am in this world. There's no one for me to share life with, to make me smile and laugh. No shoulder to cry on. And I'm just...so lonely.
I could really use some words of encouragement or wisdom. How do I set up boundaries with my Grandma when I'm forced to live in the same home with her, knowing it will hurt my mother who's caught in the middle?
𝗖𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗲𝘅 𝗽𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘂𝗺𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗰 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗼𝗿𝗱𝗲𝗿 can occur as the result of severe, prolonged and/or repeated trauma. It is often said that those subject to long-term, interpersonal trauma particularly in childhood are at increased risk of developing CPTSD.
This condition has a wide range of effects on everyday life including effects on personality, identity, memory, mood and emotional regulation.
𝗖𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗲𝘅 𝗣𝗧𝗦𝗗 𝘀𝘆𝗺𝗽𝘁𝗼𝗺𝘀
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a psychiatric condition caused by severe, life-threatening trauma such as experiencing rape, a violent attack or witnessing a death or natural disaster.
Complex PTSD describes a more severe and long-term condition that can occur after prolonged and repeated trauma, particularly in childhood although this is not always the case.
It is often said that adults who have experienced prolonged childhood trauma can often feel like they don't know who they are or where they fit in the world. This comes from a childhood of fear, the child tries to learn how they "should" act and how they "should" portray themselves in an attempt to stay safe. They never get to learn and develop their own identites.
Symptoms of complex PTSD are similar to the symptoms of PTSD. They include:
* Difficulties in controlling emotions
* Periods of losing concentration, blanking out or dissociating
* Flashbacks (visual, somatic andemotional)
* Full re-experiencing
* Panic attacks
* Sleep problems
* Difficulties with identity
* Difficulties with body image
* Physical symptoms that can’t be explained medically, such as headaches, stomach aches, dizziness and chest pains
* Disturbed relationships
* Isolating from other people
* Inability to trust others
* Being vulnerable to abuse or exploitation
* Self-harm, suicide attempts and/or substance abuse
* Feeling ashamed or guilty
𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲𝘀 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗲𝘅 𝗣𝗧𝗦𝗗?
Complex PTSD can be caused by any type of severe and long-term trauma, and usually involves situations where the victim is (or feels) unable to escape.
The types of situations which can lead to CPTSD include:
* Long-term childhood abuse
* Long-term physical and sexual abuse
* Concentration camps or prisoner of war camps
* Prostitution, brothels or sex trafficking
* Organised child exploitation rings
A diagnosis of complex PTSD should only be made by a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist who gets to know the person over a period of time.
While there is no "cure" for CPTSD, recovery means getting to a point where the symptoms are more tolerable and no longer control every aspect of life. It is very often about learning self-management rather than cure. The main form of treatment for complex PTSD is long-term psychological therapy. This helps people slowly find ways to deal with the symptoms and begin to regain their trust in others.
#Anxiety I’ve been working on my autobiography, and I finished my last draft. The only thing left to do is my final edit. I don’t have the resources for a pro to do that, and I’m self-publishing.
Each time I edit, I end up really struggling. I pore over pages of having been emotionally neglected by family, bullied in school and church, “friends” who used me, sexual assault, emotional abuse, blatant racism, and not being listened to by doctors—told it was in my head.
The final cherry on top was leaving the job I loved, because my manager refused to recognize my autism-as a reality she needed to adjust to, or my severe GI issues needing a simple accommodation, so she yelled at me about “business needs” and told me it was TMI, when I told her I felt as though I would 🤮 and couldn’t come to work. I reported it, but felt so triggered I couldn’t deal anymore.
So now I stare at the pages, at all these words, reminded of all the hurt that has come with the first 1/3 of my life, and I don’t feel like the brave woman who wrote it today.
The last time I edited, I stayed in bed for days afterwards--mostly because of the abuse by my narcissistic ex—it brings up memories of a self who was told and believed she was worthless. I must admit that for all my hopes that my story will help others, I am scared right now.
"Madness" by Enkay47 and Skydxddy
My perception of my own thoughts TW #SuicidalThoughts
If someone else were to share with me the thoughts that have been going through my head lately, I would be seriously concerned for them. But, somehow, when these dark thoughts are in my own head, they seem quite normal. I've lived with similar thoughts for years, and they are just a bit worse than usual, right? I feel that I don't know how to appropriately assess my own thoughts because I'm just so used to them. I spoke with my therapist this morning and she was definitely concerned and started talking with me about the possibility of making a visit to the hospital. It's just hard to know - when are these thoughts just run of the mill depression heightened by life stress vs. go get help now thoughts? How do you figure this out?
It's Hard to Tell the Truth: A Rant
2021 has been a hard year for me. I'm sure ya'll can relate. Right now, I have so many secrets boiling inside me that I need to share with those who will understand.
In January 2020, I finally had the courage to leave a horrible, abusive marriage. I moved in with my parents and was anxious to start building a new life... then Covid hit. Thank God I'd moved in with my parents; I can't imagine having to suffer through quarantine with my abuser. But with the quarantine did come the ability to attend any social activities, including therapy groups that would've seriously helped me.
And so I grew accustomed to living in my own bubble, in my own head, unable to truly share how I was feeling with my parents. They'd never understand the overwhelming fatigue one experiences when simply living is too exhausting. They'd try to give me solutions or tell me to pray more. Neither are helpful. This cloud of darkness has become my security blanket, and I don't know how to get out from under it.
I graduated nursing school in 2020 and started working as a RN in February 2021. But I was on night shifts, which didn't bode well for getting any real sleep, and so I crashed and burned after four months. I've yet to truly pick up the pieces. I've tried, twice now, to restart a career in nursing, but that comforting darkness is all I know, and it's too hard to leave it and re-enter the world. Twice now, I've quit my job within 1-2 months of starting it because the thought of being around people is just too damn overwhelming.
I've lied to my parents about what happened; they think I got laid off cuz of Covid. They don't even know yet that I'm unemployed once again. I have $600 in my bank account and am thousands of dollars in debt... And yet, I can't seem to bring myself to be upset about quitting again. I'm actually happy I'm unemployed—how pathetic is that? All I want to do is sleep and eat. I have no goals or dreams; I'm simply existing, biding my time until God finally decides it's time for me to come Home.
How do I tell my parents the truth about what I've done? How will they ever trust me again, or be proud of me again? I'm afraid of letting them down but am crippled by a level of anxiety I've never known, frozen in this protective bubble wrap of darkness. How do I move forward from here? How do I admit that I'm not okay, that I don't have it all together?
My ex husband of about 11 years stole my little brother’s ashes from my home after he found out I had a boyfriend. Court has been a nightmare and the system has totally let me down. Yesterday was court and I was struggling with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks from Friday leading up. My mother and father were/are emotionally and verbally abusive at times. My boyfriend is great, but per usual, I have been pretty alone. I called my mom begging her to come to my house to sit with my kids and her answer was “maybe tomorrow” I could just bring them to her. Mind you I only recently rekindled with her after not speaking for a month or so (happens quite frequently). My boyfriend couldn’t handle seeing me cry and panic and said tons of hurtful things. In the end I was and am alone. I have barely any support. None in person. I feel unloved, unworthy, and like no one gives a fuck that my baby brother and his death, his remains, were used to hurt me in the most sickening way possible. Being this sad and alone, openly abused and left to face it all solo, really reminds me how I ended up with an abusive narcissist to begin with and how he was able to keep me from leaving. I feel like an orphan. I have for a long time.