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I don't want to be strong.

You are strong if you survived unspeakable abuse.
You are strong if you go through your daily life without complaint.
You are strong if you are able to go through the motions of living (surviving) daily.

What if you are tired of being strong?

What if all you want to do, even for just one day, acknowledge your real feelings and / needs?

I am a single mother.
I went through unspeakable abuse.
I have bipolar disorder, GAD, SAD, C-PTSD, CFS, chronic pain, etc...
I maintain a full-term job, raise my child, juggle between work, schoolwork, time for my child and homework.
Time for myself gets put on the backseat.

I want to admit I am in pain, I am struggling, I am not okay, I need a hug, without getting looks of consternation or confusion, and without any judgement.

I want to acknowledge what I am feeling, without feeling guilty about it. I want to be able to explain why I can not do this today without having to answer 10 000 questions.

For just 1 day I want to forget I am all the world expects me to be. Or be a different person with no ties or obligations to anyone.

I want to acknowledge that I am only human, I also hurt, I also get tired and lonely and frustrated. I also have a limit to what I can endure and what I can cope with.

I am tired of only surviving and being strong. I want to live & thrive, and I need to admit to being weak and needing help to get there.

Anyone else ever feel this way?
#MightyTogether #BipolarDepression #MentalHealth #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #ChronicPain #abusesurvivor #c -PTSD

22 reactions 5 comments
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Frustrations #Depression #Anxiety #Insecure #Shame #abusesurvivor #Selfhate

I can be sarcastic and joke a lot. Well last week I innocently made a joke towards a co-worker. The coworker later said she was offended, mainly because we had a visitor/observer that day. It doesn't even matter what the joke was about. Because she said her peace and my boss has said I'm not in trouble in any way. I just need to be more professional, especially when ourltsiders are present. I said I would do better.

The real problem is the lack of compassion I have for myself. I feel guilty, and ashamed, that I can't do or say anything right. I've been in therapy for many years. I realize these thoughts are not rational. So I'm trying to be gentle with myself. "All I can do is my best" "Everyone agrees it was an innocent mistake" "No one is mad at me" Did I mention I'm not in trouble.

Im having reoccurring moments of fighting tears. The only person punishing me is me. I've been redirecting my train of thought, using distraction, good night sleep, worked on hobbies, yet as I write this I keep thinking I'm horrible & all I want to do is curl up & cry. I see my therapist Tuesday. I'm saying all the she would say. I also feel a little angry that I can't just " let it go", I'm wishing I wasn't so hard on myself. Which brings me back to "well if I wasn't such a screw up then I wouldn't be having such a hard time." Or "I wouldn't make such a stupid mistake ". I'm angry that something so minor is so hard for me. I will be OK, right now how I feel sucks. I've included a picture of emotional support animal, Nicco.

17 reactions 9 comments

Anxiety Near Panic #PTSD

My anxiety is becoming an even bigger problem than usual. I won't go into detail but I have a life changing event coming up soon and it is giving me so much anxiety that I feel triggered. In fact I'm worried about getting triggered during this event. I haven't been able to focus on anything and I've been near obsessing. It's just what happens when I'm anxious. But this anxiety is near panic and though I've tried to not think or worry about it there's not much I feel like I can do. I'm really struggling right now not to mention that I'm also kinda depressed because of the Bipolar Disorder, so I'm really in a tough spot. Even just thinking about or talking about the event makes me really anxious that I feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. I know I should practice grounding techniques but that's really hard right now. Any advice or encouragement would be appreciated. Thank you.

#abusesurvivor #panic #needhelp

19 reactions 11 comments

Searching for Stability and Positivity #learning

So I know my last post was a bit pessimistic but we all need to vent sometimes. After reading my most previous post, I don't want to judge myself for having a rough time. As a part of DBT therapy it is important to be nonjudgmental. However I am human and I slip up and I think being critical of myself is where the problem lies. As I have said before, I believe this negative internal dialogue comes from my history of trauma and abuse. Now however I have been searching for (and have lost sight of) what I have been searching for. During one of my psychiatrist visits I told him that I felt like the constant changes of #BipolarDisorder were tiring me out. Like there is no middle ground between mood episodes. I've done a lot of reading on Bipolar Disorder that I feel kinda like an expert on the topic. Recently someone had commented about mental and emotional burnout and the fact that my inner child feels overstimulated. I couldn't stop reading this comment because it felt like I was becoming burnt out.

I think it's important to find that middle ground. I was put on Vraylar to try and see if that works. To see if that will give me some rest from the near constant mania and depression. I have a lot of coping strategies but when I feel overwhelmed or attacked even, I shut down. I remember my therapist telling me this is the freeze response. It's like a default. When I was experiencing sexual abuse and sexual assault I froze, only able to speak but not move. I suppose that freezing has become my go to response. Not to mention that having #PTSD doesn't help at all. The emotional instability of #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder only makes life harder. I just want to rest and experience emotional stability. Even for a little bit. I know that I can't change what I live with but I can manage my symptoms.

It's just exhausting. Considering that it still irks me that two of the three disorders were caused by the trauma, there's not much I can do besides accept them. Yet I have a long list of things that I have to accept. As far as positives go, I want to get out of this irritated, angry, manic-depressive rut I've been in. So I will try a therapy skill called accumulating positives. Perhaps I should listing them. Sure my mental illnesses make me unique and my history too. Not sure if that's a positive though. Sometimes it seems like all the medications and therapy can't stop my problems but I also know that part of it is on me. So I will try to practice my spirituality, eat healthier, get more sleep and stick to my treatment plan to name a few.

Has anyone been on Vraylar? What has it done for you? How can I accumulate positives without my mental illnesses getting in the way? I also wanted to thank everyone that reads and responds to my posts. I appreciate it and look forwards to reading your comments. So stay strong friends. I believe in you. Stay safe as always.


11 reactions 6 comments

Not Sure How I'm Feeling But I'm Piecing It Together #Healing

Ever have a day where you're just not sure anymore when someone ask you how you are? That's where I'm at right now. There are days where I feel everything, something and nothing. I guess today is one of those unfeeling days. Regardless, I still have to try to piece my life back together after it was so viciously ripped apart by abuse and abandonment. Over the course of the past 4 years I have learned a great deal and I'm still learning. However I can't shake the idea that maybe I will never fully move on from my trauma.

I know I asked about moving on from the past but I wonder if I put some of the pieces together then maybe I can move on. I don't have a lot of the pieces but I can find new ones and create a new a picture. Each day I strive to make new memories with my family(a family that cares about and believes in me). Somedays it seems like none of the pieces fit together and I have to keep starting over but that's okay. I'm not sure how to piece everything together and I know I shouldn't rush it but somedays I want to be fully healed.

I am planning a trip at the end of the year to return to a place I loved going to. I am hoping by doing that to overcome my fear of being triggered in public and maybe I can create a new memory of that place with new people. Maybe this trip will help me to put some of the pieces together. I may never know why I was abused or what made them do that, or why I was abandoned. What I do know is that none of that was my fault. Just like anyone else that has been abused in some way. It wasn't your fault and I believe you. Trust me I know how much being believed can help.

Just by going on a healing journey(whatever that looks like for you) can help put the pieces of life's puzzle together. You might not have all the pieces but you can get new ones. You may have days where you need to start over and that is okay too. I have my days where I just cry thinking about what happened and my PTSD gets triggered. That's okay. If that happens to you, it's okay.

You may have days like mine where you don't know what you're feeling. That's okay. Do whatever you can to heal and live the life you deserve. Get help if need be. If you struggle with self harm and suicidal thoughts, please reach out immediately. Your life matters. As does mine. I've been there too, hospitalized for self harm and a suicide attempt. So trust me, I understand. You are not alone in any of this. I believe you and believe in you. You too can create a beautiful picture out of the pieces you have. Anything is possible. You got this, you are a warrior! Just like me.

Peace and light.


#abusesurvivor #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #BipolarDisorder #PTSD #Borderline #Hope #Healing

8 reactions 1 comment

Making Progress With Anxiety and Depression (Slowly)

I used to beat myself up over the past, over the years of abuse I endured as a child and adult. I used to think that I should be healed by now. I should be where I want to be. I should be able to wake up with no to minimal anxiety or depression. I suppose that self blame is a normal reaction to being abused. Yet, I used to fall into the trap thinking that slow progress is no progress. Sometimes I still do. I tell myself that I should do a lot of things I suppose and here I am not doing many of them.

My therapist has told me time and again to not use "should" language all the time and now I see why. Healing is a journey not a destination. And while it has been 4 years since I last broke my silence I still have a long way to go. Living with three mental illnesses is draining and I often question why my healing journey gets so hard. So I lean on my faith and try to trust the process. As much as I try to trust the process, there are days where everything just hits a wall. I struggle with the emotional instability of #BipolarDisorder as well as the trauma of #PTSD and the emotional over reactivity of #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder I used to get down on myself because I felt that my mental illnesses got in the way of me making any progress. Now I realize that I have been rushing the process.

I am capable of healing to my full potential. Just like you are. I know now that slow progress is progress. Day by day whether or not it's a good or bad day I manage to make some progress. I am not responsible for the abuse but I am responsible for my healing. Someday I will get to where I was meant to be. I can look at life more objectively and positively now. Gaining mindfulness skills has helped me to achieve peace and calm even on my bad days.

I hope that you also believe that slow progress is progress and do not forget to celebrate the little victories. You deserve them. I know what it's like to struggle with anxious and depressive thoughts as well as suicidal thoughts. If you are experiencing any of this, please reach out. Your life matters! I believe in you. Thanks for believing in me. Together we can overcome anything. We are here for each other. Stay safe.

#abusesurvivor #SuicidalIdeation #Hope #Life #Healing

27 reactions 5 comments

Reframing: Looking Back on Past Experiences to Change the Future

I had a therapy session today that went really well. We focused on the topic of reframing and thought challenging. I never really practiced my therapy skills before (I'll admit) but now that I have to face a toxic person I will use all the skills I have. Besides this, I often undermine myself and my past successes. Though I call myself an abuse survivor I don't have the best self esteem.

Reframing has taught me that situations depend on how you look at them. Yes I take reality into account and recognize that the toxic person will be there and that may lead to a PTSD response. Though this is true, my therapist also said that anxiety is there to tell us something but we can acknowledge it is there but also acknowledge that there are other goals. Like mine is to speak my truth.

Shortly after the abuse came to light I was abandoned at a motel for a week. I wasn't sure if I could get through it at the time. I was afraid I would be hurt again. By the grace of God I managed to survive. I got through it even when I thought I couldn't. I survived the abuse in general and that's something. Yet I have to reframe my anxious thoughts because for me, that leads to spiraling.

I can look back on those past experiences and say to myself I can do hard things. Confronting this particular toxic person will be triggering but it's just another hard thing I have to do. I'm sure there are hard things that you've overcome too.

Never degrade yourself, be proud of your accomplishments. Reframe if you must. As always stay safe. What are you proud of? There's always something to celebrate. It doesn't have to be anything huge, whatever you accomplished is good enough. I believe in all of you. Thanks for believing in me. I appreciate it.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD #Perspective #Therapy #wisdom #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Hope #celebrate #Life #abusesurvivor #MightyTogether

8 reactions 3 comments

Knowing When You've Had Enough

Personally, I am tired of hearing that toxic family are still family and that you should endure their toxic behavior because they are family. It is important to know when you've had enough. No one deserves to be abused or hurt in anyway. Walking away or terminating a relationship does not make you a bad person or a toxic person. I had to cut my family out of my life for the sake of my own well-being. At first I felt guilty and ashamed. I bought into the they're your family. I bought into that for so long that the guilt started interfering in my life. It took a lot of therapy, self reflection and help from my fiancé to realize that I don't need them. I didn't deserve to be abused by my family. Walking away means you love yourself enough to know your worth. It took me a long time to learn that I am worth something. I am more than what was done to me. Choosing to terminate those relationships seems to be the best thing I've done so far. I'm not holding out hope of reconciliation. This also takes a lot of acceptance. I may never get the apology I so desperately deserve. I have to be okay with that. Some days it still bothers me though, but overall I am okay with no apology. You need to know that you are worthy of being loved, respected and treated with compassion. You do not deserve to be abused in any way. Remember walking away or terminating a relationship does not make you a toxic person. Don't let people tell you that it's your fault for cutting people out. Know your worth.

#Abuse #abusesurvivor #PTSD #Family #Toxic #Realtionships

11 reactions 2 comments

Linguistics -A matter of language

As someone with a Bachelor's in English, words and their meanings, as well their usage are important to me. The use of mental illnesses as adjectives for example (she's so Bipolar, he's so OCD) really frustrate me. Most people that engage in this practice have no idea what those illnesses entail. As someone with Bipolar Disorder I can tell you that it is more than mood swings. I do not have OCD but I can relate to those that have PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. I was formally diagnosed back in 2019. And yet, people throw those words around without knowing what they truly mean. I'm sure a lot of you feel the same way. Another matter I would like to cover is the use of the word suffering. Suffering implies pain and while certain illnesses involve pain, suffering also implies that it is life long. I disagree. Some illnesses cannot be cured per se but they can be managed and tolerated. Another problem is the usage of the statement I am. (I am Bipolar, Anorexic etc.) You are more than your mental or physical illness. You are not your diagnosis. Instead try saying I have Bipolar or whatever mental or physical illness you have. By making a simple change in how you speak, you can change your whole outlook. You live with your mental illness, you are not the illness. You are a wonderful and resilient person that is thriving despite your illness. Just try changing how you speak and see what happens.

#Abuse #abusesurvivor #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Language #Life #thankful #Motivation #Inspiration

13 reactions 3 comments

Sentiment-The Small Things

As an abuse survivor, I've learned that it's the little things in life that hold the most value. For example, I have a bracelet with a butterfly charm on it. The butterfly holds a lot of sentimental value because it was from my fiancé and it is a reminder to not #Selfharm . I used to harm myself via cutting but now I no longer do that. Something as little as a charm holds so much meaning. It's the little things that remind me that life is worth living. I used to deal with #SuicidalIdeation and even attempted to overdose but now I have a loving family that I can call my own. I am finally safe and do not have to worry about further abuse. Sure I still have a lot of healing to do but I have also made a lot of progress. It's the memories that I've made with my family that bring me the most joy. My fiancé and I could be doing nothing and we are content together. Just enjoying each other's company. Going for walks or baking, celebrating the holidays even if we do not do much. It is these things that remind me that everything is and will be okay. Today my #PTSD got triggered and I cried but then I started thinking about all the positives in my life and I felt a little better. I accept that I am not fully healed and will have days where memories of the trauma and abuse still get to me. I can look at the little things and be happy. It does not have to be something big to make you happy. What is something that holds a lot of meaning for you?

#Abuse #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Selfharm #Suicide #Joy #Motivation #thankful #Trauma #sentiment #Inspiration #abusesurvivor #checkin

9 reactions 4 comments