Letter to my brother
This is a letter I wrote to my brother after he had passed. I gave this to him before he was buried.
“I am going to miss you so much. I’m going to miss our weekly phone calls after work. It was something I would look forward to because I couldn’t wait to tell you something or talk about our favorite tv show or a new movie. I’m going to miss laughing with you and being a complete weirdo. Not a lot of people got to see that side of me but you were the very first. You made me feel loved. There is no doubt in my mind or heart that you loved me. I felt it all the time. I am so hurt and heartbroken by your choice to take your life. But I want you to know that I forgive you. I blame depression, heartbreak, and pain. I know that you were going through hell. I know my true authentic brother wouldn’t want to leave us behind. You truly are a good person. I’m often thinking that you are a better person than me. The many relationships you have maintained since you were a little boy, to the kindness you show to a stranger is so much more than I could ever do. I wish you could have seen yourself through everyone’s eyes. You were, are, and will always be loved by many. I really don’t know how I’m going to continue life without you and it hurts so bad imagining you not in it, but I know that life does have to go on and I will try so hard to keep going. We have to keep pushing and living for you. I know that you want us to keep living and I know you don’t want us to hurt - it wasn’t your intention to hurt us. I just hope that some day I will be able to receive peace. Peace for the loss of your life and peace for how you took it. I know that your suicide, suicide attempts, and those last 3 weeks will haunt me for a long time to come, but I hope to have peace some day. I cry as I’m writing this letter because this is something I never wanted to do. I never wanted it to come to this. I know you told me that the pain I would feel when your gone is exactly how you are feeling, and at the time it made me angry and I’m not going to lie I still don’t like it, but I now i understand… and I’m so sad you couldn’t pull out of that darkness. I fought so hard for you and I did everything I knew to do to help you. I knew deep, deep down that you would eventually take your life but it’s still hard to accept… I just want you to know that you were truly the best big brother and I loved you SO much more than any words can describe. I hope you will be able the hear these words from my heart and I hope that someday you will be able to show yourself to me. Show me that you are still with me, I need a sign - maybe show me you a close by giving me goosebumps or as something I can physically see. You can choose. I miss you so much!!! I love you. I can’t wait to hug you and laugh with you again some day. I will be writing you often, so this is not the last time you hear from me - I hope you will be able to hear my words and feel my love in heaven. May you Rest In Peace sweet Brother. “