tryingtomoveon

I had to be weighed in hospital on Friday, when my levels dropped, so I had to be pumped with fluids. I don’t know whether to be happy or sad. They came back into the room with sad eyes and just said ‘Your BMI is now 16.1′. I feel completely heart-broken to end up in the same situation I was in half a year ago.

Also feel completely fat because I’ve just ate a couple of cookies. First thing I’ve ate in six days and I feel disgusting...

I know what’s triggered this complete and utter fall back, it involves trauma, trauma memories, staying on a section after a year and a half being in this rehab and a complete breakdown in family relationships.

Either way. This is where I am at the moment.

I’m trying to remain positive, despite everything. I know I haven't wrote anything on here for a long while.

Sometimes the question, "what is on your mind?" when I open to post a thought makes me pause, I reply quietly to myself, "a lot". And I close the browser and head to my diary to try meddle through it all.

Today isn't one of those days thankfully. But I feel really swept away from my space and myself today, feel like I'm observing myself but from a step back. Disassociated may be the word; it happens.

So today's plan of action has to be goal orientated, other wise i will procrastinate till bed time! Goals can be stressful, sometimes I find myself even rebelling against them. They key for me is list them, but state, in writing, that they are in no order and they don't have to all be done. All the pressure comes from me in these scenarios, so finding a loop hole to catch out my anxious thinking is always a bonus.

My goals for each day are just helpful reminders; they are no longer the enemy 💪

I've just finished a coffee and I have some incense on, which always makes me feel more centered in my environment. I'm a little foggy in the head but I feel good, don't know if I'll be able to make any new designs today for work not feeling very inspired. Going to try some of my mood boards! But I can't dwell on that, there's other things that can be done for work. I just always get so fixated on what I can't do, then I clock the time and it's a procrastination cycle I want out of!

This is working with #BipolarDisorder. It's totally out of the norm, and I'm almost playing cat and mouse with myself. Staying on top of myself so I can act and adjust accordingly. It's a job within itself, sometimes it feels fiercely competitive. It's just about assessing needs and channeling what ever it is that I can get out of each moment of imbalance. One day I do beautiful work, the next I can barely focus to hold a pencil. But it's my life, and it isn't a burden. There's good and bad in every day.

What do any of you do to try be productive throughout your days, whatever that looks like to you?
Hope you are all well, much love Mighty Folks 🌻

#EatingDisorders #Anxiety #tryingtomoveon