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Why no one talks about the heartache your family gives you? How they can make you emotionally vulnerable without even intending? How they can be the source of your low self esteem and insecurities? #Depression #Familyproblems

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You gotta do what is best for you!

A few months back I wrote about an incident with my family in a post called Maybe its Karma.
I honestly dont give these people a thought at all unless the contact me reminding me they still exist!
I have them all deleted and blocked expect for one so they dont try to go through my kids to get to me!
Can you believe they are still bugging me after 8 months? They are still that bent out of shape over a stupid childish fight over politics that they started.
I just dont understand, I dont contact them at all, but they contact me to tell me not to cointact them🤦‍♀️
This time they tried to slander me on my Lady on a journey sight.
I posted so everyone can see because I had nothing to hide and I know what they are saying is not the truth. They finally had enough sense to delete their comment.
It didn't get to me, I am just in shock after all this time. Bullying at its finest!
I feel sad for them to carry that anger for so long. One of my friends said "Hurt people, hurt people!" I really hope she finds peace so I can have some peace! Haha
If you ever had to shut the door on someone, lock it and dont open it back up because you will regret it! Lesson learned on my part!
#Fibromyalgia #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #Familyproblems


Loveless Without Reason (TW: R*pe)

TW: R*pe.

I do not react the way I should. At least, that's what I've been told and what has been implied by those without the guts to explicitly say it.

My mother broke down tonight, saying that she's accepted that I don't love her. Now, this may seem harsh and guilt-trippy on her part, but just listen for a second.
A couple months ago, a week or two before summer break, she told me that my father r*ped her 3 separate times. In front of my, (at the time), two year old brother. We were driving home from shopping and talking about the beginning years of their marriage, (they are now divorced btw), when it just sort of slipped out. I was shocked and mortified, and I showed it.

'Well, obviously. How could you NOT show it?' I'm glad you asked. I have a difficult time expressing my emotions. Sometimes I'm secretive about them intentionally, sometimes not. It's a blessing and a curse.

She then realized that it was something that needed to be addressed with her psychiatrist/therapist. Since then, she's struggled with all of this being brought up, especially because it's been about 2 decades and she hadn't really told anyone about it till now.
Although my initial reaction was expected, my attitude towards it and her has since been cruel. Why did she stay after the first time? How can I trust her decisions? (I already had a major difficulty with that.) Why would she leave me alone with him after that? (Even if he showed no sign of wanting to attempt such a thing with me, he is still a r*pist.)
I've grown cold, verbally abusive, etc, even more than before. So, now you see why she talked about her reasonably-inferred, stark realization tonight.

The thing is, I don't think she's necessarily wrong. She's taken me to Europe multiple times, gives me proper freedoms, accepts me for who I am (for the most part), she's never left/given up on me - all reasons that I SHOULD love her, care about her. But, I don't. I don't think so, at least.

It feels like everyone gets the same answer to this math problem, and I'm trying, but I don't have the right formula to solve it. I mean, why do people who hate their families spend their valuable time off on holidays with them? Why do people come out of the womb, loving their family unconditionally?
I see my family as regular people, not entities that I can't help but love because our DNA is more similar than in comparison to the rest of the population.

I should feel bad. I should be rushing into her room to say that I do love her and that she's got it all wrong. But, I'm not. I can't. She said tonight that she wants honesty, not just me pretending to like/love her so that I don't get punished or reprimanded. I've told her before to just leave me alone, that she needs to cut off this toxic relationship between us, etc, but now I think she finally gets it. Finally. Finally.

#Familyproblems #Loveless #whatswrongwithme

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A kiss and an apology

Saturday night, I cried myself to sleep as I listened to him play that song over and over again in my head.
Sometime during the wee hours of the morning, I felt a soft kiss on my check with a whisper of "I am sorry" I just left it at that and went back to sleep. I had no energy or will, no more tears to cry, I just wanted to sleep.
The next day he did try to act like everything is normal! I told him I am worth loving, I don't want you to just need or want me and think that is enough for me! I deserve your love and if it is something you can not give me then yeah move out and let someone else who knows my worth and is willing to give it to me all!
He hasn't said anything but it was the first time I told him to leave if it is what he wants. I hope it hit home, I hope it was just a bad day for him, even though he hurt my heart, I know he is not perfect and he is allowed his off days too! Oh we all have them and he is human.
It hit hard because for some reason I was expecting it, cause like I said I really think he wanted to leave me before I was diagnosed!
Thanks everyone for your kind words, thanks for listening and most of all thanks for not judging my husband! You were all so gracious about it, even if he was being a turd.!
#Fibromyalgia #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #Familyproblems #ThankYou


Message loud clear

He keeps replaying 2 out of 3 is not bad! By Meatloaf!
I want you, I need you but there ain't no way I am ever going to love you! Dont be sad because two out of three ain't bad!
My heart hurts and I can't stop crying!
I need to try to sleep or I am going to feel like death tomorrow!!
#Fibromyalgia #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #Heartache #Familyproblems


Broken hearted! #Fibromyalgia #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #Familyproblems #FeelingAlone

I put my husband on a high pedestal and it comes crashing down!
He freaked out on my daughter and I today, telling us he should move out and he feels unappreciated!
He does a lot for us like take the kids out for a late night drive, run us baths when we are not feeling the greatest, he cleans, he works hard at work and has made us a beautiful home! I tell everyone that all the time, I tell him that lots. I also, show him in many ways
I thank him when he cleans the house, when he does the dishes. I thank him for pulling the garbage out! I make him breakfast in bed at least once a month, I fold and wash his clothes sometimes when he is too tired too, I make his lunches, I cut his hair, I work along with him doing things so he is not alone doing them, even when I am in extreme pain. I honestly don't know what else to do to show my appreciation for the things he does.
We been together for a little over 20 years. Half of my life, I have been with this man. He knows he hasn't always treated me right. He had an affair for three of the years and fathered a child. I've only ever told people close to me for support. He has never ever admitted or apologized. He has done his best to treat me better after that. I have told him many times I have seen the difference! But it has never been the same. Things he has done for me has made me fall in love with him in other ways and has been my rock. I hold onto that with all of my might.
In his freak out he points at me and says he tired of me being on his case.
I was just sitting there reading about my daughter friends nephew who is 5 years old and he passed away today!
My daughter was in a yucky mood cause she was cleaning her room. She gets like that and so does her father. When he cleans, he gets miserable and we all hide away until he is done cause no one wants to be around him. God forbid if his daughter acts just like him.
He doesn't have to deal with the kids, he doesn't have to deal with any of their problems!! Yes he worries about them but to actually to be in my shoes with them dealing with ADHD, Anxiety, and other mental health issues. He is free from that! He goes to work, comes home when everyone is pretty much going to bed, stays up all nights of the hour and wakes up 2 hours before he has to go to work. In those two hours he gets ready to go. Everything else is on me. I message him every day with frustration, being overwhelmed looking for support and all I get is a "what now?"
So if that is me being on his case, I guess I am on his case. Even though he is at work and he can't do anything, it's just nice to have him to vent. I guess it's too much!
His daughter did to him what I get every day in attitude. (Most days I can handle it because I remind myself she is struggling herself.) There is still times I get frustrated, still times I get my feelings hurt and now I dont have anyone to turn too!
I am just broken hearted about today! Maybe it is time to go our separate ways.


Family Troubles

Most times I talk to my grandmother (who I live with, along with my grandpa and brother), I either get criticized or she tries to start an argument.

If I come home from work tired and she's cooking, she'll tell me about how I should be cooking because my future husband is going to come home wanting a meal. To be clear, I don't even ask her to cook. If she didn't, I would find my own meal.

I'm currently engaged and she's already (very rudely) unloaded her opinion on me about how she thinks I shouldn't get married. That conversation lasted at least 30 minutes despite me telling her multiple times how I didn't want to talk about it.

She's initiated a couple of conversations about trying to keep my dog when I move out. She was implying that I wouldn't care for her, ignoring that I've lived on my own before with my dog. There was nothing reasonable that should have even put that idea in her head.

It's everything we discuss.

The things I do aren't good enough, and the focus is always on what I don't do.

Now she and my grandpa are telling me that I've had an attitude problem for weeks. That's because I'm ready to move out, get married, and have my own life where I'm not constantly criticized.

I'll admit I've said things (like "I need to move out") and I've had an attitude. I also don't open up to them very much, for good reason! I've felt over the years that things I'm excited about are rained on by them. That plus the criticism doesn't lead me to talk very much about my feelings.

She told me today that I've been acting like "a spoiled brat" and that I want to be "treated like an adult (I'm 21), 'Don't get in my business'" but that I "just want to be on the recieving end of emotional support."

She does give me some support, but I also get regular doses of a blatant lack of support.

I even have dreams about us arguing.

I know I'm not making the problem better, but I don't find myself caring too much.

Any advice? 🙃😐

#Depression #Family #Familyproblems #Grandparents #Dysfunction #rude #lackoffamilysupport #Relationships #Parents #Advice #help

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What is this feeling ?

- Don’t trust my own parents
- Don’t feel loved
- Parents always compared me with someone better than me. Since that time happened, I never go out with my parents. I hate being compared with someone pretty and better than me.
- being bullied at school but no one help, I overcome it by myself.
- I have 2 sis in my family but they live on their own since I was young. So when I need someone to discuss or protect no one. I do everything by own self. It’s really hard to communicate with my family. The biggest problem is I don’t trust them. I know they want me have bright future but I want their loved and feel warm in family. But this is just my imagination. It won’t happen because I try already. #depressed #sad #lonely #tired #Familyproblems


A chance.

It is difficult to live up to your parents expectations or for that matter anybody's expectations. There's a difference between what I want to do and what I am doing. Fighting a outer battle can be torturesome but fighting an inner battle is much harder. And fighting both at the same time is much more harder then one can express. Constantly fighting with your thoughts and pin pointing what exactly gone wrong is overwhelming and exhausting. I am always day dreaming and thinking of myself in a place where I am happy BUT and because I never stop realising that reality is disappointing and devastating. Having a chance to do something differently is what I need , just a chance. A chance to know myself a little more. And a chance from my father to let me do what I want. :))
#Depression #Angerissues #BipolarDepression #PanicAttack #Anxiety #AnxietyAttack #Familyproblems #Career


My brother

My brother doesn't talk to us anymore. Not even me, my mother or my father. He is always on his phone whenever he is around us. And other time he is in his room locked up. God knows doing what. My parents have tried to talk to him and tried to get to know what is happening with him. He talks very rudely to them and pushes them away. He has lived in another city/state for almost 7 years he came back home to join my father for work, but he doesn't goes there. I tried talking to him he never talks to me politely, either he will give me some or scold me push me away. Because of his behavior my parents are both getting depressed and stressed. There were already so many reasons for them being already stressed he added more. What should I do? #brother #Familyproblems #Depression