So I had a falling out with some former friends months ago. I was in a damned if I do damned if I don’t kinda situation. I compromised myself to be accepted by these girls. And it drove me to some of the lowest depths of my depression and anxiety. I have always had suicide ideation when I hit my lows, but it’s not consistent.... that is until these two girls came along. After our fall out the suicide ideation became constant almost. It took me until this past week to realize that I was better off. That I needed to be happy that they’re not in my life because who needs friends like that. But we have mutual friends that are close with them and I cannot for the life of me understand why. These girls I had the falling out with are mean, nasty, dramatic, narcissistic, and take part in gaslighting and victim shaming. They’ve not just done that to me but also to one of our mutual friends. One of the same mutual friends that swore one of these girls off says she “plays nice for others” but goes out to dinner, invites her over... and the mutual friends husband who swore off the same girl is playing along. And it messes with me. It makes me question my “moving on.” And it makes me feel excluded, left out, and lonely. Adding onto it that I tested positive for COVID-19 yesterday so I’m gonna be isolated for a couple weeks and I’m only in day 1. And maybe none of these “friends” I need in my life. Maybe they’re all just full of shit. Maybe they’re all playing games with each other and none of em can be trusted. It’s all a trigger for me with my trust issues, with my paranoia, with my abandonment issues, with my validation issues, with my depression, with my codependency issues, and with my anxiety on so many levels. I guess it triggers even more because I don’t have many friends. And it’s hard to make friends right now in our isolated COVID-19 world (with or without positive test results). I’ve wanted to always have a sense of belonging because I don’t have that with my family, nor do I have much of a family to have that with. Which adds to my issues mentioned previously. It sucks. I’m trying to end this train of thinking this year. It’s my biggest thing I’m working on and like any habit it’s hard to break. I’m trying to work through the feelings by posting on here, journaling, reading my Codependency books.... Idk how to end this exactly... I’m just struggling and triggered. #triggered #codependentpersonality #codependancy #Codependency #codependent #codependant #DepressionAndMentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #sad #Loneliness #lonely #abandonmentissues #FearOfAbandonment #abandonment #validation #validationissues #ParanoidThoughts #Paranoia