From the last one week my "vicious phase" has started again. I have been feeling depressed, anxious, numb, sad, and guilty all at once. Once again. My routine has worsened. It's the worst one I have experienced so far. Even after taking my sleeping pill at 9 p.m. I can't sleep until 3-4 a.m. and then when I sleep I'm not aware of even the loudest sound for the next 8 hours. But the time has extended. I sleep for more than 8 hours. Till 12-13 p.m. eventually waking up tired and exhausted. My motivation, positivity, optimism has hit rock bottom. There's no discipline in my life right now. I'm eating only one meal and that too not a proper one. I'm not able to stay active at all. I lie in my bed all day long. Not being able to exercise is giving me a huge amount of guilt. Very huge. And I can't cope with that. I feel like binge eating, like just stuffing the food in my mouth ( but thanks to the lockdown. I'm not able to binge eat because the fast food shops are all closed) and then as soon as I get the idea of my stomach being full I feel like puking, I feel guilty. Guilty for not working out which I should be doing to reduce my weight and control PCOD and also stay active and thinking about binge eating, not following my diet. The guilt is really huge.
This phase is literally snatching away literature from me. It has happened before. My mind attacks the things I love to do or I love. And literature is it's favourite thing to snatch. I'm looking at my novels and all I feel is numb. Usually I feel happy looking at them, thinking of all the wonderful things written in them. But right now even reading a book is frustrating me. I just keep lying down in my bed or sitting and I keep staring out of the window. It's windy here. I like that kind of weather but due to my phase I'm not able to enjoy that too. I look outside and feel nothing. It's the weather I like and I can't even enjoy it. I love coffee and right now I'm just drinking it without feeling the peace I used to feel while drinking coffee.
All I feel is numb, anxious, depressed, negative. So much is going on in my mind and I can't control it. So many negative thoughts have settled down in here and I'm confused beyond confused. I can't feel love, comfort, and peace. All I feel is negativeness, huge guilt, tired, exhausted, uselessness, unworthy, irresponsible. I want this phase of my vicious cycle to end as soon as it can. I don't know how to do it. It has never lasted this long. And it has never been so exhausting. It's the worst. And the saddest part is, I'm not able to do anything, anything to help myself.
If anyone of you knows what I can do, please tell.
#Depression #Anxiety #numb #negative #MentalHealth #Guilt #tired #sad #depressed #anxious #ParanoidThoughts #Suicide #help #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #MentalHealthHero #MentalHealthAwareness #Awareness #Therapy #psychologist #Psychiatrist #Counseling #TheMighty