codependentpersonality

So my daughter was with my in-laws all day. My husband was working for most of the day. I tried to have a girls day and invited some girlfriends over. Gave notice. No one could come. I spent the day alone. I’ve lost two jobs in 2.5 months. My self esteem isn’t the best. I’m depressed, sad, tired… and today was just the icing on the cake. However, I take it as a good sign that while I was sad and lonely I didn’t go down my normal path of suicide ideation, I didn’t cry, I didn’t get mad, I didn’t rant on social media… I just tried to make the best of it and enjoy my day. It wasn’t easy. I just as outside in my pool so that helped me being in the nice weather getting some vitamin D and just listening to upbeat music. So I’m proud of myself for that. But I’m still feeling sad and lonely cause everyone was busy or couldn’t come over. #codependent #codependentpersonality #Codependency #Depression #Anxiety #abandonmentissues #Loneliness

So I had a falling out with some former friends months ago. I was in a damned if I do damned if I don’t kinda situation. I compromised myself to be accepted by these girls. And it drove me to some of the lowest depths of my depression and anxiety. I have always had suicide ideation when I hit my lows, but it’s not consistent.... that is until these two girls came along. After our fall out the suicide ideation became constant almost. It took me until this past week to realize that I was better off. That I needed to be happy that they’re not in my life because who needs friends like that. But we have mutual friends that are close with them and I cannot for the life of me understand why. These girls I had the falling out with are mean, nasty, dramatic, narcissistic, and take part in gaslighting and victim shaming. They’ve not just done that to me but also to one of our mutual friends. One of the same mutual friends that swore one of these girls off says she “plays nice for others” but goes out to dinner, invites her over... and the mutual friends husband who swore off the same girl is playing along. And it messes with me. It makes me question my “moving on.” And it makes me feel excluded, left out, and lonely. Adding onto it that I tested positive for COVID-19 yesterday so I’m gonna be isolated for a couple weeks and I’m only in day 1. And maybe none of these “friends” I need in my life. Maybe they’re all just full of shit. Maybe they’re all playing games with each other and none of em can be trusted. It’s all a trigger for me with my trust issues, with my paranoia, with my abandonment issues, with my validation issues, with my depression, with my codependency issues, and with my anxiety on so many levels. I guess it triggers even more because I don’t have many friends. And it’s hard to make friends right now in our isolated COVID-19 world (with or without positive test results). I’ve wanted to always have a sense of belonging because I don’t have that with my family, nor do I have much of a family to have that with. Which adds to my issues mentioned previously. It sucks. I’m trying to end this train of thinking this year. It’s my biggest thing I’m working on and like any habit it’s hard to break. I’m trying to work through the feelings by posting on here, journaling, reading my Codependency books.... Idk how to end this exactly... I’m just struggling and triggered. #triggered #codependentpersonality #codependancy #Codependency #codependent #codependant #DepressionAndMentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #sad #Loneliness #lonely #abandonmentissues #FearOfAbandonment #abandonment #validation #validationissues #ParanoidThoughts #Paranoia

I found home in you, and I know shouldn’t have been dependent on you, but everything about you resembled home. I felt safe when you were next to me, safe when you looked at me. The whole world stopped when we were together, and time seemed like a foreign concept. Your presence, your voice, the sound of your name ignited the brightest flame inside of me, illuminating my soul and exposing all 32 pearls. You were my home. You were my safety . You were my confidence that everything would be ok. Now you are gone and I’m so lost. My light left when you left. I question my own strength and ability to stand alone without you. I question my worth and my value. I can’t ... I can’t ....come back ....come back . I need you , but my need is a false desire. I don’t need you ... I need me. I need to survive..... I need to survive. I’m not searching for you I’m searching for me. I want to find the feeling of home on my own.
#MightyPoets #Thoughts #codependentpersonality #resilience #MentalHealth #home #Y  #BPD #Relationships #Findingstrength #findingyourself #Depression

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
I have problems with my behaviors when I’m really stressed out I lie and end up doing things that I regret and get stuck in a devaluation stage I rage and yell at my parentener I end up eventually cheating on either emotional or physically I love her with all my heart and want a end to this madness I’m having struggles identifying the point where it’s to late and I lose control of everything #CPTSD #BPD #Disasociation disorder #complusive disorder #codependentpersonality #addictive personality disorder #complextrauma these are what my mental illnesses and issues are I’m scared because I got drunk and black and hurt some people that I live with and I’m glad I didn’t hurt my girlfriend but the fact is I could of killed someone under the influence that was the first time I drank in a year and half

This is my first time ever posting on this site, but I am feeling lower than low, lower and more lost than I ever have in my life. I’ve always noticed the awareness I have to other people’s opinions about me, and I’ve always lived my life trying my absolute best not to offend or upset anyone I meet, especially the people I care about. But I am at a point in my life where I can tell my boyfriend doesn’t care about me as much as he says, I can tell I get on his absolute last nerve, I have to beg him to talk to me, to give me attention even if it’s just a quick glance. He always gets so angry or frustrated when I’m asking what he thinks about me, especially because he only gives one words answers, how are you supposed to know someone if they don’t talk to you, how can you love someone if they only ever give you one word responses. I feel like I’m just waiting for him to pull the rug out from underneath me, tell me that it’s over. That I’m too much to deal with, though, I know that I’m not asking for too much. In the past, yes, I was absolutely too much I couldn’t handle my own emotions or love myself enough to even know what I deserved. But today, I am just asking for real love. Love doesn’t make you dig love out of them, love doesn’t make you feel bad for wanting to talk when you haven’t seen them all day. Love doesn’t make you feel like a burden when you are just trying to know what’s going on in their head. So why I am I so scared to leave? I know I deserve a better love. But if I leave then I have no one. And I certainly don’t want to be alone again. It’s agonizing. If you die who would care? Does that make it better to stay with someone who doesn’t see you or care about you the best they should? This I do not know anymore. I just know that this place, this mental space in my head that I’m in now, scares me so much. I’m so scared that I will fall off the ledge and stumble forever in the darkness. I’m so scared of losing the only trace of love that I have left in my life. #Love #lost #scared

I had a fight with my mother but I’m very calm rn. I’m a bit afraid that it might hit me later bc I have that tendency. The thing is, my mother is very demanding in terms of wanting me & my sis around her, acting out the “orphan “ syndrome or smth! Oh...
life ain’t easy with a M like this.

Keep yo fingers crossed, fam! ♥️

I have been diagnosed with depression. I have recently been doing soul searching to find the best version of me. I am very aware of my own behavior and know the issues I struggle with. But I want help to get better. Where do I start?