I've been very slowly finding tiny sparks of joy. I've been sick for a week with not strep, not COVID, crud. I'm so ready to go back to my new normal health without flu, state of existence. The weather has been just gorgeous with the crispness of autumn in the air!
Two weekends ago I went for a brief walk with my cane in the woods I love. Last weekend I did it again but with my snowshoe poles, with a light pack. I needed to see that I could still, even a little bit. I did, and wow it was tough. I needed to stop every five minutes and no where to sit. It was beautiful though. Today I went for a walk on a trail through prairie restoration. During the week I've been walking a little, sometimes with my rollator, sometimes on a treadmill.
I've found that the time in nature brings me back to my center. That's when I feel a tiny flicker of life again. It is those moments of peacefulness that help me when I'm overwhelmed by my responsibilities, or my health. I remember and still recognize the woman I was, in the woman I am now.
I'm learning to love me again. I love that I am still adventurous at heart, and that I never give up, and that I can make beautiful things. I love that I am loyal to my family and love animals. I have a sense of humor and I'm a huge nerd! I love that I can find a way to be content and make moments enjoyable without much to work with.
I also realize now that I may not be anyone's forever person. My OCPD, my depression, cPTSD, my many health issues especially vestibulodynia would probably baffle a matchmaking algorithm, or in my case small town Mid- America. Also, while there are many fish in the sea, my ponds pretty small, like a puddle. Haha!
Knowing myself better now, I know I'm not cut out for the life I have been conditioned to pursue. It's ok though. I'm learning to accept this. This last heartbreak has been good for me to see how much of myself I gave up and how much I did to be acceptable. What I am not willing to do now.
I sometimes have a good cry and then continue excavating myself out of the rubble to build something new. Coming home revived after an afternoon of fresh air is good medicine. I highly recommend.🌻