A kin of mine empathizing with my loss, failure, shame and implicitly recognizing the legitimacy of my grief and depression and also possibly figuring there indeed could be something of worth in my professional experience, is trying to help
me out. But why am i not enthused? Indeed i'm scared...if my past is anythingto go by having been so comprehensively undone - repeated and vicious jinxes, calamitous setbacks and humiliating
failures, I'm so devoid of hope, faith & trust
in all its entirety. More so anything involving bringing my 'being' into equation...particularly interacting with others, reaching out, engaging both at personal and professional level all went south and the outcome left a stench of such putridity that continues to leave me with a sense of revulsion and self loathing. Indeed most of my friends and kins too in similar disgust, probably seeing my misery as my just desserts have abandoned me to nurse my grief, shame and loss in complete loneliness. Even as my cousin finger holds me to face up to something new, I’m gripped by fear…am i nuts or what given the one big learning from my sorry life is that it doesn’t take much for the powers that be to bedevil me? And by powers I mean even a two year old and the otherwise most wretched can easily cast their worst on me. Let me not even bring the almighty here. Those who have followed my earlier posts would know how much of despair, anguish and lament I’m filled with and the insurmountable difficultly I have coming to terms with my new normal. Can i take another lashing on my deeply lacerated mind and soul?😟
#wishmeluck #despair #Anxiety #Fear #Shame #Misery