Have you ever heard of a neurodiverse theatre company?
Have you ever heard of a neurodiverse theatre company?
EPIC Players presents The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee in NYC!
What 'little' things bring you comfort and joy?
What do your sensory needs look like?
Repetitive HUMMING while watching movies and TV?
Why don't antidepressants and therapy work for me and my depression? Is it something else, C-PTSD or Autism?
I have lived all of my 64 years (that I can remember) being depressed. I didn't know what it was until my 20s, and read a book called REALITY THERAPY which described my symptoms very well, and offered me hope for the first time. I started therapy soon after, but living with depression ever since.
I have been in regular therapy since that time, and have had a wide variety of therapists, and a wide variety of antidepressants in those years. I'm currently on Effexor XR 300mg per day, and have been for over 10 years. It seems to have worked better for me than others I had in the previous years.
Still, the best that I ever feel is what I think 'normal' people feel when they say they're depressed. I call it "neutral", although when I'm questioned by a therapist or doctor, they classify it as 'depressed'. For me, that "neutral" state feels like a huge relief, and a time to freely exhale, and otherwise let my body loose, and to relax. But like I said, the doctors say that I am still depressed then, just not as much as I usually am.
Twenty years ago, a new doctor told me that the reason I wasn't getting better was because I was misdiagnosed, and he diagnosed me with Bipolar type 2. I started on Depakote as a mood stabilizer, and stayed on antidepressants as well. Then came a diagnosis of ADHD, and I have been on Ritalin ever since. I spent decades on the combination and still fought depression every step of the way.
Last year I was switched from Depakote to Lithium, at a high dose, and because doctors didn't check my blood levels each month, I ended up with severe Lithium toxicity, and near death. I was taken to a hospital with a Trauma Center a hundred miles away, and spent the next week there hooked to three IVs, and constant medical attention. I'm still recuperating at home.
My current psychiatrist doesn't agree with the previous Bipolar 2 diagnosis, but thinks it may be something else. C-PTSD seems to fit in a myriad of ways with me. But now I am wondering if even some level of Autism fits with me. It's hard for me to tell what might be actual symptoms that I have, and what might just be coincidences.
If my depression is not coming from 'depression', per sé, but is coming from C-PTSD or Autism, would that explain why the antidepressants and talk therapy over the years have never truly gotten rid of it? Or does it not make any difference, and I'm just whistling in some dark alley somewhere? I don't really have much hope any more that things can ever get any better. ♧
#Depression #ChronicDepression #Bipolar2Disorder #ADHD #Effexor #lithiumtoxicity #lithium #Misdiagnosed #BipolarDisorder #neurodiverse #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #SocialAnxiety #AdultDiagnosis #AutismDiagnosis #BipolarDisorderDiagnosis #Autism #UndiagnosedAutism #TheNationalAutisticSociety #AutismAcceptance #Anxiety #PTSD #CPTSD #PTSDSupportAndRecovery #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Selfdiagnoses
How does your health condition or disability affect cutting your hair?
Apparently here in CO we know how to ADHD.
Since being diagnosed with ADHD I have been looking into helpful resources. I came across a YouTube channel called How To ADHD. One of the videos that really was a mental sucker punch is titled Dealing with Imposter Syndrome. Now while I don't identify with imposter syndrome as a whole one thing really stuck out for me. There was a part in it about "masking" where we put on a different mask for situations we don't think we are good enough for, but try anyway.
Even before the pandemic began and masks became a mandatory staple for nearly everyone I fell in love with them. I love woodworking and other crafts so I started getting them to protect my lungs from the dust. I started out with a mask from RZmask (not a sponsor) that had a really sweet design. After that I began seeing ads for SA Gear (also not a sponsor) with their neck sleeves so naturally I impulse bought one of their five pack sales and got a few for me and a couple for my wife.
I found that I loved the sensation of wearing a mask. At first I thought it was from my life long obsession with super heroes which is an entirely plausible explanation. Then nearly two years later I am officially diagnosed with ADHD and watching the video mentioned above and that's when it hit me.
I really love wearing masks because I am not entirely sure who I am at any given moment and putting a mask on helps relax. I may be a poster child for Lewis Carroll's quote in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland "I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then." I know it sounds simple, but it really does give me a sense of safety and not just in the pandemic use.
I have also studied the enneagram personality test. According to that I am a type 9 which is somewhat erroneously dubbed "the peacemaker." This is certainly a whole different discussion, but when listening to a podcast about the subject I heard something interesting that aligns with what I have been saying here. When the podcast hosts were interviewing two people who also tested out as type 9's they talked about self erasure. This is something that happens to this personality type frequently. They stated that most of us have little to no sense of self and that we are mirrors of those around us. We draw cues from individuals and try to build something that looks like a functioning person, but it is just a facade. At the end of the day we have to erase our proverbial hard drive and build our new self tomorrow. This totally aligns with the masking part of imposter syndrome with shocking accuracy.
The fact that I have struggled with my sense of self for years is not at all surprising with all this that is now clarified. Thus wearing a mask allows me to be a version of me that I am learning to accept. It hides me from having to live up to unrealistic expectations that I have placed on myself trying to fit in to society.
Here are the links for items I spoke about:
How to ADHD: Imposter Syndrome
Enneagram podcast: content warning Expl