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What do I do?!

#Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #PTSD #assault (not my dogs, Harry and Paddy next to a statue of their brother, Max, who went over the Rainbow Bridge 2 weeks ago. You can follow them on the other social media site beginning with F: Max Out In The Lake District. Their owner goes for walks in the Lake District and as says, waffles. They're an absolute flipping life saver & the scenery is stunning).

Anyway, I digress.

I was listening to a radio programme & the subject turned to divorce so I turned the volume down as I know it can be a trigger. That started a train of thought which led to me remembering something I didn't even realise I'd forgotten. The sheer fear and terror that I felt as I thought "if I don't get out, he's going to r*pe me" is with me. Constantly.

I don't know how to deal with it.


A Letter to a Pelvic Pain "Specialist"

Dear Pelvic Pain "Specialist" ,

I am writing to let you know that while I may be just another face in a sea of patients to you; you are not just some doctor in a sea of them to me. While a world of doctors there may be, given all my "issues", you're special. So special you thought your MD gave you the right to violate me, take all my control, ignore my consent and assault me and then go on about your life as if nothing happened. Something did happen. Something that I want to scream from the rooftops until you stop seeing a sea of patients and see me and remember. It was not just another day just another procedure. It wasn't a mistake. It isn't "sorry you feel that way" And it sure as hell wasn't "do no harm". Harm was done and has remained marked down in my chart as routine. How long can you routinely do harm before someone steps up and stops you? How long before I get to quit hearing what an amazing doctor you are and hear the voices of those like me that have you seared in their brain not for your amazing help, but tremendous harm. How long until I get a letter "to the patient I assaulted" . Yea I bet I'll be waiting a long ass time.

PTSD "Specialist" (thanks to you!)

#PTSD #Trauma #pudendalnerveblocks #Pelvicpain #assault #SexualAssault #ChronicPain #Pelvicpain #MedicalTrauma #Endometriosis #Consent #emdr


episodes of many #assault #PTSD

i haven’t been sexually active since i was sexually assaulted in december, but i thought it was time to jump back and yesterday mid sex i had a panic attack and freaked out. i am partly happy this happened because since it’s happened, i have only been able to shove it way down, but that proved that this trauma is still alive within me.

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Trigger warning #assault

Never shared here before, but it’s been a really rough day and need some support. Last night me and my brother went out to eat and have a couple drinks to celebrate the life of our grandfather who just passed away a little over a week ago. Fast forward to around midnight last night, and I wake up in the emergency room with zero recollection of the past several hours. I have a “goose egg” and cut on my head behind my ear, my leg is all bruised up, and my brother is laying on a gurney with a black eye and stitches on his eyelid. We were sharing a drink, because it was our last one and we both decided we didn’t want to have a full one. We both then had a sudden change in consciousness and have absolutely no idea what happened- someone drugged the drink we were sharing, and then later we got physically assaulted, though fortunately not sexually. I feel embarrassed, ashamed, scared, sad, anxious, and have the worst hangover of my entire life. When we were at the hospital, one of the nurses was so mean to me, and just treated me like some delinquent- I’m sure because they only smelled the alcohol on us and assumed we just did this to ourselves, so therefore didn’t deserve kindness somehow. They never asked us about possibly being drugged, and I wasn’t in the right mind to help myself much at all. Since I have no memory, and neither does my brother, we can only assume we made complete fools of ourselves in such a state. I feel so defeated.



why is it, my family have a go at me if I try and spread awearness of sexual assault? Literally yes it happened to me but I am trying to make people awear of the affects it has on people if you don't help them. I am also trying to show the signs so you can maybe spot them. Like they comment saying "why don't you broadcast it in the news paper!" Like what the hell. Are they the person who was sexually assaulted by a so called friend from church? No. Where they the person who was let down by the church when coming forward? No. Are they the one who has to live with the church covering it up?No. Do they feel guilty because someone else was attacked worse because they didn't go to the police as they took advice from the church? No! Are they the ones suffering from PTSD, Depression, Anxiety and Panic? No!Are they the ones who is in counsilling? No!
So what gives them the right to tell me what I can and cannot do to heal MYSELF! What gives them the right to make me feel bad and say my counsillor would be dissapointed in me? This is why people don't tell their family or anyone for that matter! That is why there is a stigma!
#Depression #PTSD #PanicDisorder #Anxiety #assault #Church #SexualAbuse #SexualAssault #Religion #Coverup #Family


Is anyone else full of holes?

Not in a weird, creepy way. Like, I have a hole in the center of my chest. Not physically, but more of a feeling that there is something very wrong and that there is nothing there. Maybe like the metaphorical hole in your heart that you hear in cheesy pop songs?
I am filled with holes. there are holes in my brain, my back, my arms. I’m beginning to suspect it has less to do with a physical problem and more to do with the fact that that’s where she would touch me, hit me, kick me.
Am I being a dramatic POS or is this a thing that others experience ? #PTSD #Trauma #assault

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I didn’t say no

Guys I just wanted to ask you if it is still assault if I couldn’t bring myself to say no..
I was in his place and I didn’t want to do anything, but still I was there and he was king of pushing me, like placing my hand there even though I tried to pull away sometimes
We were in bed and he just kept wanting to have sex and I didn’t want to. He touched me and the first time I didn’t let him, but I didn’t insist because I was in his place after all.
He held me in bed (he thought it was nice) and it would be if I actually wanted anything at that point, he is so much stronger than me and I got scared
Once I got out of bed I just left..
#CheckInWithMe #assault


To my ex: why our relationship didn’t work. #Depression #Anxiety #assault #SexualAssault

The first night I fell asleep on the common lounge couch. I was awake enough to feel your hand all over my body - on my breast down to my pelvis. As if they were yours to explore. I froze immediately, then ignored you the next day.

The second night when you carried a drunk me to my dorm. You laid me down in bed then proceeded to inspect my used underwear with a friend. Taking turns looking at them.

The third night we both got wasted. We went from playing cards to you on top of me, pinning me down kissing me. You had your hands over mine above my head. You also had a girlfriend.

I went along with it after. Because I was a horrible person, and deserved to be treated that way.

That night in the basement when Mary was sleeping, the first time we had sex. I said no and clenched my thighs- you kept going and told me not to worry: she wouldn’t wake up.

Then every time in our relationship, which I started because boyfriends don’t rape their girlfriends, you’d get my consent after presenting me your case- “It’s been weeks” “I’m your boyfriend” “I love you”. I gave in to keep you happy, you knew it hurt me, but we both ignored it.

You tried to fix me with doctors and toys and alcohol. You gave me homework to repair my drive. But it wasn’t me. How could it be my fault? I was violated. How could I not respond that way to your touch?


Anxiety is a B**ch and I can’t sleep

So I recently reported someone for assault a man who decided to purposely grab the back of my head and best friends head and smash my nose into her forehead. The guy is on parole he got out of prison just before Christmas and I’ve reported it to the police. But my anxiety is being a little bitch. I know in my logical mind that it’s in mine and the public’s best interest for me to continue through with the report which I will but the anxiety is causing me not to sleep and it’s driving me insane!
#Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPDDiagnosis #assault #Depression

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