My first time having sex is difficult to explain.
It happened when I was 24 when I was in an abusive relationship. My boyfriend was quite a bit older than me. He knew I was a virgin and wanted to wait. I knew he wanted sex though. He made that perfectly clear. We had already fooled around a bit. He pushed the boundaries as far as I let him, but he was always pressuring me for more and he’d get mad every time I made him stop. It’s not that I didn’t want to fool around at all. I was just scared because I had never done anything before. I didn’t know yet how much I was comfortable with or how far was too far. I definitely wanted him to slow down and not push it so much, and I told him that, but he still kept pushing it. I was worried about doing anything sexual because I knew that once we started messing around, he’d want to keep going, but I wasn’t ready to go all the way. I just wanted to take it slow.
It finally happened when we’d been together about two months. As usual, everything happened so fast. Once it started, I couldn’t get him to slow down. I was nervous and I definitely said wait, but he kept telling me to relax. I didn’t want to make him mad by refusing to go further again. I knew it was coming, and I just decided to get it over with. I let him do what he wanted. When it was happening, I remember feeling numb emotionally. I wasn’t comfortable with it, but I let it happen. I remember it hurt, but I didn’t tell him to stop. I just sort of held my breath and knew it would be over soon. When he was finished, I didn’t say anything. I just laid there next to him feeling dirty and numb.
It wasn’t sexual assault. I don’t even think it could be considered non-consensual because I never said no when it happened. I don’t know. At the very least, it crossed over a boundary I wasn’t ready to cross yet. We had sex many times after that, and it still took a while before I was comfortable with it. I knew to expect it and I allowed him to do what he wanted, but it was another couple of months before I wanted it. At some point, he could tell I was finally into it too. He actually said he was glad I didn’t seem scared anymore when we had sex. Looking back, the fact that he said that really bothers me. I wish I would have asked him why he continued to have sex with me if he knew I was scared.
Our relationship only lasted six months. He was abusive in so many ways. When it ended, I actually had to get a restraining order against him so it would finally be over. Now that I’ve had a couple of months to gain perspective on everything that happened between us, I still don’t know how to wrap my head around our sexual relationship. I honestly try not to think about how it started because it makes me feel very uneasy. It’s just complicated and I don’t know how to feel about it or process the way it happened. I don’t really know if my actions constituted consent.