baddecisions

I've been stuck in a marriage for the last few years that has been uncommunicative and lacking any intimacy. We tried marriage therapy, but it was a disaster. He wasn't willing to be honest and vulnerable, the therapist wasn't familiar with trauma or BPD, so I kept getting phrases like "you're too hard to please", "he's damned if he does and damned if he don't", and "you're just too needy", which is where my individual therapist pulled me out of the sessions. My husband was supposed to continue by himself, but said he was only going to figure out how to fix me, he didn't have any issues. He works 3rd shift despite being told that my being alone is harmful, but he likes thirds because he doesn't want to mess with the supervisors. So now I'm sick of not having any intimacy, not even a hug unless I specifically ask for one, and my mind has started straying, but I don't want to step outside of my vows. I stay only because I can't work and I need his insurance to keep getting my mental health care, but it's like roommates with insurance benefits. I'm tired of this empty hole that used to have love and I'm on the verge of making some very bad decisions just to feel like I'm worth being loved and cherished.