Baggage

I hate her. yes. I hate my mom. I wish I try harder when I decided I want to kill myself. I wish I was dead long time ago so I don't have to break my heart again and again. she's an impulsive narcissistic liar. how could she? all I wanted is just to give me some times. I want to change for better. does she thinks I love laying in my bed all the time? does she think I'm scrolling my phone out of boredom? but does she knows little do I hope I came across suicide methods so I can still be dead? she sell me out saying that I'm the lazy daughter. saying I'm not good enough. saying my efforts to heal my stupid brain is not enough. fck u. I'm trying my best here. sheeshh darn it Lord. why can't you just rip my soul so that I can just die and not being a baggage to her. i try my best to help. even I feel like crying when I do a simple chores. but I still do it. I force myself to get my ass out of my bed even my doctor say don't be so hard on myself. but I did it. I did it for the sake of her. because I love her. but what did she do? she sold me out saying that I'm not good enough. I want to just hurt myself so bad rn. I thought she really means it when she said I should take my time to heal for better. but I guess she still the same regardless how hard I'm trying to explain. I hate her. #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #Baggage #SuicidalThoughts #DistractMe #EatingDisorders

So I’m staying with a friend till my family gets settled in our new home. She’s been so amazing we talk a lot it’s almost as if I have an on-site psychiatrist. I really struggle with my identity I always have growing up in two really diverse atmospheres. When I was with my family I always felt like I wasn’t black enough I never sounded like everyone else even my siblings I’ve always spoke proper and I try and talk to fit in and sound ridiculous. When with my second family which is white and I’m obviously black I felt like am I too black I’d say stuff no one understood or could relate and I’d feel silly and just not communicate with anyone. My boyfriend is white he’s absolutely amazing and understanding i never thought I’d find someone willing to take on me and all my health baggage I feel like he’s the only person I can truly be myself and fully let my guard down around #CodeSwitch #CodeSwitching #Baggage #Lupus #Fibromyalgia #CVID #CommonVariableImmuneDeficiency #InterstitialCystitis #Osteoarthritis #Pain #Love #help #Selflove #Selfcare #Selfhate #ImAMess #Identity #identitycrisis