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    The “Life Hack “ I learned in the ICU

    I was in the most pain I had ever been in my life , high as a kite , in clinical , sterile , terrifying ICU .
    When I learned the world continued to spin , even when I wasn’t really a part of it ,

    And believe me , that is a heartbreaking , terrifying and eye opening thing to learn when you are 17 .

    But heck . Getting half your liver removed will teach you a lot of things .

    I remember after one night in particular, the roughest night I had ever had an honestly felt shocked I survived . I had this darkness come over me .
    Like every good and happy thought about my life had completely vanished .

    And I came to the conclusion that to stay sane . I would find one good thing in every day .

    Even if it just was that “ The nurse had really cute hair “
    Or “ I was in a bit less pain than yesterday “ or “. I only puked 5 times today instead of 10 “

    And “ finding that good “ is a little tool I’ve used almost every day sense .

    On my worst days. I’ll try to find the good . Even one ounce of good.
    Whether it be a sunflower growing outside , a really yummy sandwich . the sunset , someone opening a door for me . or someone who has an insanely good laugh .
    And I’ll hold onto that good like it’s a life preserver in the midst of a tsunami.

    But this silly little “life hack “
    Has taught me one thing .
    That the quote is true that “ Where there is good , there is God”

    HE is the one who paints the sky every night .
    He made the field of flowers , he personally designed that sunflower growing across the road , and I bet he knew it would make me smile .

    His love can be found in random unnecessary but amazing acts of kindness.

    The purpose he gave us to “have joy “. Can even be found in a incredible laugh that lights up the room.

    When I find myself complaining that “ life is hard “
    Or “ God must not hear my prayers.because I’ve never gotten my miracle “

    I forget that he gives us a million little miracles each and every day .
    We just have to take the time to see them.

    I don’t believe that happiness , true happiness is the result of “ everything going right”
    But true happiness comes when your grateful to God for everything you have ❤️.

    And believe me . This is something I am FAR from perfect at applying in my own life .
    But as happiness seemed to be the theme of the talks at church today .

    And with how hard the past couple of days have been .
    It was just this beautiful little reminder of all the amazing things God has given me ❤️

    #smileon🐷 #spoonie #faith #christianblogger #thechurchofjesuschristoflatterdaysaints #CVID #UCTD #Tumor #autoimmune

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    Friendship and #ChronicIllness

    And with that picture . In a little way I felt like I was there ..

    I seriously have the greatest friends . Do to severe GI symptoms I had to miss out on my friends “ Gothic Plant “ themed birthday party I’ve been looking forward to for months

    And All night I was getting pictures of the party on our group chat .

    My friend made me one of the
    “ grave yard terrariums “
    ( on her birthday! 🥺❤️❤️ )
    And yes my tombstone is yellow , sparkly and covered in unicorns 😂❤️. My real tombstone ( when I’m 90 ) better be this cool . 😂❤️

    They sent me a pic of my graveyard 🪦 . ( which was delivered to me by an amazing friend who lives close )

    And then they sent a pic of my graveyard . With everyone else’s .

    And my little poetic heart kind of burst 🥺❤️.

    Because being chronically ill .
    Your constantly canceling plans you don’t want to cancel . And constantly feeling like the worst friend ever .

    And I’ll be honest through my life ( Especially when I was “dying “ in high-school .
    id try not to get to close to people ( which is hard when you are a raging extrovert who thrives off of human connection . )

    Because I didn’t want to be a disappointment.

    My warped thinking was. ( and I have to admit sometimes still is )

    You can’t be mad your friend canceled on an activity if you didn’t really care if they were there in the first place 🤷🏼‍♀️.

    But that little act , of having my terrarium in the photo .
    In a little way it felt like I was there …
    If only in spirit. ❤️

    I seriously have the most loyal friends in the entire world .

    #smileon🐷 #spoonie #Friends #selfworth #ChronicIllness #spoonie #beafriend #loyal #christianblogger #graveyard #greatestfriendsever #MightyTogether #CVID #RareDisease #UCTD #connectivetissue #warrior

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    I’m back ! #MightyTogether

    Hey Mighy Fam ! Long time no type ( litterally!). A mixture of my #CVID #UCTD . And apparently undiagnosable lung disease has ROYALLY Knocked me on my butt .

    I was hospitalized about 2 weeks ago due to a lung infection and lung flare and it still feels like my body is MAJORLY recovering ❤️‍🩹 .

    I’m also trying to figure out ALOT of things with my medical team
    Right now . The belief is that the scaring / cyst in my lungs are caused by an infectious or inflammatory process . But of course no doctors are agreeing .

    And it’s just a big pile of #Ugh !
    #RareDisease life am I right ?! Ive honestly been struggling with a bit of #Depression . Not in a chronic sense . But in a “ man my situation REALLY sucks sense .” So I’m
    Just doing all I can to keep my head above water

    Today was one of my most productive days in a while !

    I washed the dog , played my Uke and sang for the first time in weeks ( even though breathing has been so hard. My oxygen needs have been a bit more . And well I’m
    Crappy at wearing my #Oxygen .. so I’m my own worst enemy in that department 😅)

    And I just submitted a new article to the mighty about #CVID #PrimaryImmunodeficiency So 🤞🏻🤞🏻 it will be published and you all
    Will read it soon!

    So today definitely a #babystep
    And I have an appointment with my councilor tomorrow to continue to work to get in a better headspace

    But I have a goal to be more active on here ! I have missed you all !! ❤️❤️❤️. #StrongerTogether

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    Why do I bother

    We bought this house three years ago. It was my dream home. Despite my depression, my physical pain, my bipolar issues, I kept this house clean and organized.
    Then my daughter and her at the time boyfriend moved in with their two cats and their two dogs. The boyfriend was an alcoholic who would drink himself to oblivion and then vomit everywhere. He damaged my main bathroom wall by pulling off the towel rack. He attempted to hang a tv on the wall in the bedroom causing huge holes there. When she finally kicked him out, he took one of the dogs with him.
    The dogs pooped all over my dining room carpet when they fell ill. I have cleaned it repeatedly and can’t get it clean. The cats fight for dominance and it a constant battle cleaning up after them.
    We have had to pull up carpet that I can’t afford to replace. There is damage everywhere. I love my daughter but she drops and goes. Her stuff is all over. The house reeks of cat piss and of the giant Bull Mastiff I now reside with. I don’t have the energy to keep up with the constant clean up. My once beautiful house is now such a mess I won’t let people over. And the house stinks.
    None of this is helping my depression. I look around and feel like I am failing at life because I can’t keep up with simple house work. I just want to hide in my bed and cry.
    Thank gawd I have my sewing lately. It’s the only thing I look forward to doing. #Depression #BipolarDisorder #Feelingsorryformyself #Feelingoverwhelmed #CVID #hopeless #neverendingcycle

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    Post surgery

    #CheckInWithMe
    Does anyone else feel like because of their chronic illnesses when something major happens, for example I just had surgery, no one is concerned.?? Just feeling a little abandoned by my circle during recovery from an emergency surgery. Fighting off depression. Would be nice to know they were thinking of me at least. I’m always there for my people… just disappointing. #ChronicIllness #CVID #Depression #BPD #RheumatoidArthritis

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    Testy Chapter

    This time it’s been rough! Easiest way to put it. So now our good old pal lupus has decided to attack my bladder and it has been a spiral of craziness. It’s been 4 months since we have started treating the Lupus Cystitis with Chemo and higher doses of Prednisone 🥵 and it is takin a toll on me mentally and physically. I feel like the doctors are just kinda blindly treating me due to never actually treating a patient with it. MY BLADDER HURTS, STINGS,BURN, and ACHES all day long even more when going. After seeing how bad my bladder is they were gonna do a biopsy but decided it to big of a risk with it being so fragile so no biopsy but we do know it’s extremely inflamed and causing lots of pain on top of other things. I’ve had two hospital stays in back to back months a week and the other a week an a couple of days trying to control pain. Moon face is real( see above pic) I’ve gained so much weight and it’s only making things in life more hard then usual but it’s time to pull up my big girl undies and do what I gotta do #Lupus #warrior #LupusWarriors #sickandtired #CVID #LUPUSCycstits #tired #GottaKeepOnMovin #ItsOkNotToBeOk #HBP #SystemicLupusErythematosus #KidneyDisease #GERD #Fibromyalgia #Asthma #RaynaudsPhenomenon #BloodClots #ChronicBloodClots

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    Who is to say which is more valuable #DistractMe

    I sentiment I have super mixed feelings about is whenever someone tells me

    “ You have just missed out on so much “

    Do to my illness.

    Like I know my life is far from the

    “Normal route “

    But
    Is life suppose to be this “ paint by the numbers”

    Sort of deal ,
    Where every experience crossed off the list , is Colors added to your canvas .

    Until we all have this super similar painting .

    But what if my picture isn’t so simple .?

    What if everyone else got monets
    Water lilies .
    A slightly abstract but mainly straight forward view of the picture of their life

    And I got Van Goghs “ Starry night “
    A random mixture of strokes and swivels , lights and darks.
    That comes together to make something extraordinary.

    2 completely different paintings.
    2 completely different life experiences

    But who is to say which one is more beautiful.. more valuable .

    Just like how Christmas lights , and Roses
    Both are beautiful. Just in a different way.

    Why can’t people’s lives and life experiences be the same ?
    #MightyTogether #RareDisease #Oxygen #UndifferentiatedConnectiveTissueDisease #Spoonie #LungDisease #CVID

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    #CheckInWithMe Having a procedure done today. So tired of no one looking past my overweight, worn out body to see a scared patient.

    #Crohns #CVID #autoimmune

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    ER trips are EXHAUSTING

    Today I had to go to the ER, went to dentist Monday they gave me Amoxicillin because I have an infection in my face ever since my throat has been sore and swollen so do tells me to go. I get there I’m all excited even tho pain is through the roof a new friend with lupus recommend I go there everyone’s great even the ER, doc comes in we’re talking I’m telling him what’s wrong and he goes well why are you here? I tell him my doctor told me to come in and he says they wouldn’t see you I’m like no they said ER guy with the big degree🙄, he’s like well let’s get some bloodwork so they did that and after a pretty short wait time he’s like my labs were fine, so I question him like I know my body somethings not right annoyed I’m sure he’s like let’s get urine that comes back unusually quickly too he says I have a urine infection doesn’t say specifically I’m thinking forget it I’ll read the paper work, ITS NOT THERE so I’m gonna call and have my doctor request everything tomorrow morning #Lupus #ER #ERVISIT #Annoyed #tired #CVID #CommonVariableImmuneDeficiency