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Nothing Wrong?

A wonderful woman I dated introduced me to John Bradshaw's Healing the Shame That Binds You. She had a 2-cassette tape of one of his events that we'd listen to on weekend road trips. It was a healing relationship for me.

Bradshaw introduced me to the term Toxic Shame. It resonated when I listened to him speak of deep raw wounds are as fresh as the day of occurrence and view your true self as defective. I've always believed that at my core there was something wrong.

As with much of my recovery, I didn't do much to investigate more (you know, read the book) and see how to handle this. As with most information, I went "OOH OOH" and claimed I knew a little more about me, another identification, but little concerted effort to actually change.

I'm incredibly fortunate enough to have found a therapist where I'm ok letting things go. I'm still guarded, but the work I've been able to do with her is what I've needed for over 30 years.

I'm actually reading posts and articles on different sites as they're suggested to me. Again, not a lot of initiative to seek it out.

If I've got it right, I'm at a point where my therapist is providing a space where I'm experiencing my idealistic vision of a good mother. Imagine the unconditional acceptance that a mother gives a 3-yr old. My narcissistic mother blew that opportunity when I was around 4 or 5. As I said, I'm fortunate to be able to feel that acceptance.

It's a bummer to realize how my programming has impacted my life line.

I'm not proud of some of my past.

I scraped by thru school. Stayed awake in enough College classes to regurgitate the info back and pass tests and get a degree.

Longest I've held a job: 5 years (twice) I'm pushing 60. I have some unique responses when asked why I left a position. Can't just say 'They canned me cause I wasn't doing the work'.

There MUST be something wrong with me.

All the social gaffe's that still burn as if I just said the words,

the history of using people,

the objectification of women,

the lack of respect to others.

There has GOT TO BE something wrong with me to be like this. There has been:

My programming.

There's nothing wrong with ME

I sat and slowly wrote that on a piece of paper 10 times. I find writing very effective for transfer of energy, in this case helping to release grief and sadness. I've had great success with creation using pen to paper, but that's for another time.

I've been wanting to share like this. Amazing what some effort will do for you.

#narcissisticmom #ToxicShame #healingstory #Acceptance #Lettinggo

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I thought s/he 's the one #narcissisticmom

I hate her. yes. I hate my mom. I wish I try harder when I decided I want to kill myself. I wish I was dead long time ago so I don't have to break my heart again and again. she's an impulsive narcissistic liar. how could she? all I wanted is just to give me some times. I want to change for better. does she thinks I love laying in my bed all the time? does she think I'm scrolling my phone out of boredom? but does she knows little do I hope I came across suicide methods so I can still be dead? she sell me out saying that I'm the lazy daughter. saying I'm not good enough. saying my efforts to heal my stupid brain is not enough. fck u. I'm trying my best here. sheeshh darn it Lord. why can't you just rip my soul so that I can just die and not being a baggage to her. i try my best to help. even I feel like crying when I do a simple chores. but I still do it. I force myself to get my ass out of my bed even my doctor say don't be so hard on myself. but I did it. I did it for the sake of her. because I love her. but what did she do? she sold me out saying that I'm not good enough. I want to just hurt myself so bad rn. I thought she really means it when she said I should take my time to heal for better. but I guess she still the same regardless how hard I'm trying to explain. I hate her. #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #Baggage #SuicidalThoughts #DistractMe #EatingDisorders


Controlling Mother

I am now 41 years old. My mom almost always points out what I'm doing wrong or what I should or shouldn't do. I have a full time job. My house is paid for. I'm also a single mother to my 15 year old son. I used to had to depend on her for help with him until this past year. I have a boyfriend now. We have been dating a little over a year now. He has a 12 year old daughter. My mom thinks that he is pushing me to let him move in with me. Sure we have discussed it but it hasn't happened yet. I'm not letting anyone pressure me into doing something that I don't want to do. She questions everything that I do. She finds fault with almost anything I do. None of my choices are good enough for her. I love my mom, I really do. I just cannot handle her being so critical of my every decision and every move I make. I honestly don't know what to do because anytime I bring it up it starts an argument between us. She then starts with the poor pitiful me act and turns the whole thing against herself by saying she can't do anything right or make anyone happy. I'm at a loss! Any opinions, suggestions, and or ideas are much appreciated!#narcissisticmom #narcissist #narcissiticmother #mother #Controlling #NotGoodEnough


So Tired #overwhelmed #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #CollegeMentalHealth #College #narcissisticmom

I feel like I might have borderline personality disorder and I’m so overwhelmed by college, I’m an honors student but it feels like at what cost because it’s becoming hard for me to manage my emotions, mental health and full time school. Found out my mom did thins to my sister I didn’t know about and I’m so angry. I’m so tired. I don’t think I’ll ever see my mom again. I refuse.


Check in

I’ve just finished my fall qtr of School! Yay! But so drained of the point I’ve been staying up till 6am tho (boo). I’m in the process of moving from my apartment back into my moms to help her out. It’s not the healthiest option for me but I feel is more of a duty to help my mom financially and save money as I live in Seattle and have been laid off since March cause both my restaurants shut down. Luckily it’s been a great opportunity to go back to school but I’m highly anxious to live with my emotionally toxic mom. She’s a food woman and I know she’s lonely and getting older so feel heavily responsible to be there as I’m an only child since my older brother passed away in 2006. Also don’t have family who live in my state. I love her so much, but am also so scared of getting set back in my emotional introspective healing process. I have strong spiritual energy on my side though so I believe I will be ok. I also know I’m going back to an emotionally harder habitat as a cptsd survivor. I would greatly appreciate any prayers or positive energy towards me through this transition and ask your help to strengthen my life in this situation. Thank you #help #CPTSD #Anxiety #Depression #narcissisticmom #Healing #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Pain


Yoga Based Therapy #Abuse #Bullying #CPTSD #ptsd-old

The bundle of emotions, pain, and memories of traumatic events (in some cases) can be stored in the muscle. This is more prevalent when the victim covers or masks these experiences with extreme exercise such as endurance cycling, bodybuilding, continuing military deployment, or perhaps training for the NFL. In later years, these memories return in many forms, PTSD and Complex PTSD are both common. In many groups (one example being the military) this pain is often covered up in the name of being brave, a stance that has led to approximately one suicide/day among military vets since 1963 (current military suicide rates are a little higher). For me, bravery is when the victim confronts those memories, processes the emotions, and works to gain control of the consequences that they, and those around them, endure as a result of traumatic events in their past.
In yoga-based treatment the client tries to induce a flashback through the exercises. The client then continues working to extract as much of the negative emotions as possible, they then go back and help the emotional wound heal through loving and at times spiritual care of the area that has stored this negative energy for so long. Perhaps someday the AMA will recognize the value of Holistic Medicine and this type of therapy will be available more people. Sadly, there are many cultural mindsets that are preventing this from taking place, even if it would save lives. #PTSD #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #narcissisticmom #Narcissiticabuse #narcissisticabusesurvivor #NarcissisticMother #Narcissistfather #Bullying #ChildAbuse #childabusesurvivors #ChildAbuse

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Boundaries can be messy.

Gas lighting made me think that every boundary I ever tried to set was nothing but a nasty grudge and was wrong. I wasn't wrong for trying to protect myself, she was wrong for putting me in a position where I felt like I had no choice but to protect myself. #narcissisticmom

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How can you "unlearn" or "unthink" ideas that a #narcissisticmom planted in your mind? 36 years of #narcissistic abuse... how do you #recover ??

I don't even know who I am...

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How could she??? #narcissisticmom #TraumaRecovery

For all those times I doubted myself, ‘she didn’t really mean it’ and ‘she couldn’t help it’ - I’ve come to terms with the fact that YES SHE DID & YES SHE COULD HELP IT!regardless of WHY... healing can only happen if we place accountability on who hurts us 😡😢👊🏻❤️