I kinda just need to vent.
My boyfriend is the only person I talk to (somewhat) about my struggles with depression. For various complicated reasons, I stopped talking to my family and friends about it, and have convinced them all that I’m “recovered.”
But even with my boyfriend, I hold back a lot. I never want to burden him or bring him down with me. He’s told me several times it’s okay and he wants me to talk to him and he wants to help.
So, after a long period of refusing to talk about it, I finally gave in. I told him when I was having a bad day. He offered some cheerful, “it’ll get better!” encouragement, which doesn’t really help but I knew he meant well.
However, the second time I opened up to him…it was like he wasn’t listening. It was a Saturday, and weekends are the only time we get to hang out. I didn’t hear from him until after 3, so I was already feeling a little discouraged and lonely. Finally when we were texting, and I started opening up about how I was feeling, and kept hinting—then flat out saying—that I was lonely and would like some company…it felt like he was avoiding it. He would occasionally say “well we can hang out if you want” which I’d just said I wanted to, so that felt like he really preferred not to. So I gave up for the day.
Next day, same thing. We had made plans for the day previously, but when I asked about it (3 times) he avoided the question, and started sounding more and more irritated. So I finally said “okay, clearly you need to just take the day and relax.” Eventually he said he was just exhausted and stressed and that we should still hang out in a few hours, but he needed some time to recharge.
5 hours later, it’s the evening and we’re running out of time to do anything. He hasn’t texted. I finally say “so I’m guessing we’re not going to do anything today?” And he just says “yeah I don’t think today will work out. Sorry for being flaky.”
Is it wrong that I’m really frustrated? Weekends is the only time we get to see each other, and it’s pretty frequent that that time gets limited because he takes so long to initiate or respond. And this time he just avoided it all together. Even knowing that I was REALLY not doing well and wanted some company. And all this after telling me over and over that I should go to him for support when I needed it…I finally do, and he’s grouchy and distant.
Today he seems to feel bad and has apologized multiple times. But I’m having a hard time doing the “forgive and forget.”
I’m sorry this is so long. Kudos if you’ve read to this point 😅 I just needed to vent, and there’s not really anyone else I can talk to.
#ChronicDepression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #BP #Relationships