Letting people in when they constantly disappoint you
I kinda just need to vent.
My boyfriend is the only person I talk to (somewhat) about my struggles with depression. For various complicated reasons, I stopped talking to my family and friends about it, and have convinced them all that I’m “recovered.”
But even with my boyfriend, I hold back a lot. I never want to burden him or bring him down with me. He’s told me several times it’s okay and he wants me to talk to him and he wants to help.
So, after a long period of refusing to talk about it, I finally gave in. I told him when I was having a bad day. He offered some cheerful, “it’ll get better!” encouragement, which doesn’t really help but I knew he meant well.
However, the second time I opened up to him…it was like he wasn’t listening. It was a Saturday, and weekends are the only time we get to hang out. I didn’t hear from him until after 3, so I was already feeling a little discouraged and lonely. Finally when we were texting, and I started opening up about how I was feeling, and kept hinting—then flat out saying—that I was lonely and would like some company…it felt like he was avoiding it. He would occasionally say “well we can hang out if you want” which I’d just said I wanted to, so that felt like he really preferred not to. So I gave up for the day.
Next day, same thing. We had made plans for the day previously, but when I asked about it (3 times) he avoided the question, and started sounding more and more irritated. So I finally said “okay, clearly you need to just take the day and relax.” Eventually he said he was just exhausted and stressed and that we should still hang out in a few hours, but he needed some time to recharge.
5 hours later, it’s the evening and we’re running out of time to do anything. He hasn’t texted. I finally say “so I’m guessing we’re not going to do anything today?” And he just says “yeah I don’t think today will work out. Sorry for being flaky.”
Is it wrong that I’m really frustrated? Weekends is the only time we get to see each other, and it’s pretty frequent that that time gets limited because he takes so long to initiate or respond. And this time he just avoided it all together. Even knowing that I was REALLY not doing well and wanted some company. And all this after telling me over and over that I should go to him for support when I needed it…I finally do, and he’s grouchy and distant.
Today he seems to feel bad and has apologized multiple times. But I’m having a hard time doing the “forgive and forget.”
I’m sorry this is so long. Kudos if you’ve read to this point 😅 I just needed to vent, and there’s not really anyone else I can talk to.
#ChronicDepression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #BP #Relationships
Lately, I've been questioning myself as to why I've been living with this empty feeling inside of me for more than 20-some years. I don't remember exactly when it started but I remember being 12 and wanting to fill the void by having a kid as soon as possible (thank god I didn't). The difference between then and now is that I know, thanks to therapy and my diagnosis, the reason why I feel empty. But knowing doesn't help make it go away.
There is this thing inside of me that keeps repeating "I don't want to live but, I don't want die." I can't die because it's going to hurt people around me. I can't die because I know what will happen to my 12 years old sick cat if I leave and I promise him I would be his forever home. He doesn't deserve to be abandoned by the person that saved his life 4 years ago when no one else would (Kitty is probably the one thing that keeps me alive, frankly.)
But this "I don't want to live" rips me from feeling anything but pain, anger, disappointment, and what would be considered "negative emotions".
People keep telling me that to fill the void I need to find happy moments. The thing is; those don't exist. •"Spend time with your friends, laugh and exchange" - I do that every week and I come back home more exhausted than when I left. It leaves me feeling anxious about "if I was normal enough" or "if people realize how hard I try to fit in" I'm not enjoying at all. •"Go get your favorite coffee or meal. Make it something special!" I dislike eating and as much as I like the taste of coffee, thanks to ADHD brain, it makes me tired and I need a nap. Again, not enjoyable. •"Do relaxations, meditate, find something peaceful." If you want me to go up a wall exorcist style while growling and foaming at the mouth, force me to meditate/do relaxation. It incites a rage inside of me in the proportions I can not control.
I get it "do things that makes you happy" but nothing makes me happy. Nothing fills the void. Well not that's not true, the cat fills up the void... But it's like a 25% on a scale of 100%. It's not sustainable though. When he dies, because he eventually will, I will have nothing to live for. The "I don't want to die..." part of the above statement may vanish and that, THAT is scary. I don't want to go there. I've been there before and my love for my family was not enough. It will never be enough because they are responsible for the trauma I live with.
Is this normal? Feeling empty. Not finding things that brings a little sunshine in your life. Living one foot on the other side of "the line" and that it wouldn't take much for me to completely tip towards "that" side? Is it normal that I can't find a reason to live for myself? I'm tired of hearing "life if beautiful, you just need to find the beauty in yours." Is me disbelieving this and thinking that life sucks make me a monster? Am I too far gone to be repaired? Although I don't believe in hope, should I hope it will get better?
A confused human,
Stop telling me to seek help. There is no help.
Finding a therapist and a medication regement are mentioned in any article about surviving mental illness. I need others to acknowledge that mental health care isn’t real option in US. Not for poor people. I have 20 years of experience being shuffled around and looking for care. Seeking out care is an endless parade of bills waitlists, dead ends, incompetence and sometimes neglect and abuse. I really need this to be acknowledged. To the people that keep recommending this: where are you coming from? Are you just rich? Are you also hopeless but can’t admit it? Are you just out to make a quick buck by copy-pasting platitudes with out any concern for a reader? Do you think I just won’t notice?
When I tell someone that my experiences with calling suicide hotlines have been at best unhelpful and at worst deceitful and traumatic, and then continue to offer that as an option (the only option frequently), how is that ok?
On good days I think “well I deserve these shitty services because you get what you pay for”, never mind the bad days.
Self Sabotaging #selfsabotage #BP
I was doing so good .... but today I couldn’t help it ... while I was at my ex’s place after visiting my 2 daughters, I quickly ran into my old bedroom, stole things out of his room and threw them out ! I’ve done this many times, haven’t in months... but today.. I blew it... why do I do this ?
Does anyone else find it suspect if someone refers to themselves being ‘manic’ when this said person does not have a diagnosis of #Bipolar ? I genuinely want to know your thoughts. Does bipolar have dibs on this term? Do other mental illness have this quality? Or is the term #Mania inherently a bipolar phenomenon? #BP #manicdepressive