My partner and I have been together for a year and a half now and we both have BPD. Sometimes I feel like mine is worse than his bc he’s literally my FP. He’s says I’m his but I know I love him more. Every time we’re not around each other he’s always in the back of my mind or I find a reason to talk about him/bring him up bc I love him so much. Whenever I upset him it feels like my world is completely crashing and I want to do everything in my power to make up for it. There’s been times where I’m 100s of dollars in the negatives bc I keep wanting to buy him things so he won’t stop loving me. Not that he’s done anything to make me feel like I need to buy him things for him to love me but my paranoia tells me I need to. I need to be the best partner ever so he never has a reason to stop loving me. This all will sound insane to everyone but in my head this makes perfect sense to show him how much I love him. I am willing to change so many things about me or what I want for my future just so I can be with him. I feel like this all sounds over the top but I honestly can’t stop myself from doing it. It’s almost like it come natural. #Bpdrelationships
It's funny after my last post we have both been so good constantly communicating and really happy and enjoying each other's company and last weekend she asked if we could forget the whole breakup thing to which I replied of course. I could never stop loving her for wanting to look herself no matter how much it pains me.
Also in this time she was extremely supportive to me as my great aunt ( who was pretty much seen as my grandmother) passed away and my mother's chemo treatment.
However no matter how great it feels/gets I always feel the looming sword of Damocles hanging and ready to end it at any point.
throughout the week I feel she's getting distant again this is always a problem for me cause I'm not sure whether to give space or support. she's had some trouble with the neighbours and I don't know how to help her during this time if I don't know how to respond in general.
So I gave a brief description in a previous post a week ago but I've done more research of bpd since.
I could be completely wrong in my assumptions but in the big scheme it wouldn't change much everything I've do to help her I do because 'I LOVE HER' and want her to struggle as little as possible. Of course more affection would be great but only if she is feeling those emotions.
I don't want it because I helped with bills or whatever and anyone who expects it either thinks their partner is a pro or doesn't believe they are in a partnership where you both strive to the same end.
Anyway that was a side tangent I never ment to go on
But for a while now I've been thinking how I've been putting so much effort into the relationship and it seemed like she was putting in so little.
Like I'd travel hrs to help her with whatever just so her life was a bit easier and so I could see her and sometimes I wouldn't even get a response to a message I sent but I can see she viewed it.
After some research and I still understand so little my need to get a response is more my ego than anything else.
My major thought is sure on the outside to anyone observing it would seem im putting all the effort in but I still have no idea how hard it is for her when she is spiralling and can't get out of bed how much mental exertion and effort it takes her to send me a sms only to lower my stress and anxiety a fraction.
Just something I will have to talk to her about
I have attachment issues. I know. Everything is either “black or white” for me. I know. So when I spend time with my partner on the weekend, then we part ways to go back to our own lives... my mind starts to spiral, ping ponging in around my skull all sorts of “unrealistic” thoughts, constantly rumenating. Overthinking. Self sabotaging. Risking the chance of creating a fight between until we meet again over something trivial OR may not have even been there at all. My extremely supportive + understanding partner says he wants to know what I’m thinking/feeling so he understands my triggers + why I split, starting to recognize those signs.
BUT WHY CANT I JUST GO ABOUT MY DAY NORMALLY like everyone else, moving along from one activity to the next?! Why do I have to suddenly over analyze, over think, worry, fixate and fuck up the next thing that is to come?? #Finthehead #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #Bpdrelationships #Depression #MentalHealth #PTSD #Hope #self-help
I was in a long term relationship from my freshman year of high school until about 25. Though this relationship had its breaks, we were largely together during this time. We had one daughter and our relationship went downhill afterwards. I made decisions I am not too proud of. To be honest, I am a difficult partner. I am easily triggered by perceived abandonment and neglect and would fill this void with cheating. I blamed the lack of support I received while pregnant, the worthless feeling I felt when he wouldn’t marry me, as an excuse to cheat. We tried to reconcile several times for several years following, until 2017. He has struggled with understanding my BPD. Eventually, he decided to end things completely and I had a total breakdown. I finally sought treatment and began medication because I was so in fear for my life. We began seeing each other romantically again at the end of 2020. While we are both trying hard to make it work, I am fearful that it is beyond repair. I spend hours crying sometimes because I keep all of my feelings inside. I am so afraid that having an outward expression of my emotions will chase him away. He still doesn’t understand how easily I get triggered. Today, I had an awful day at work, I told him I felt unappreciated and was thinking about leaving. He immediately went into, they’ll just replace you, and suggesting I’m lucky to have a job. I just wanted to be supported. That’s it. I told him I felt invalidated. He apologized but then said I was taking things too personally. I stopped responding after this because I just felt so misunderstood. Now, I am again in fear that I emotionally overreacted. I am struggling to understand a normal human emotional response. I’m also struggling to understand if I’m overreacting or not. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Bpdrelationships
This turned out to be a huge task, but an important one. I decided to break it down into part or different essays.
I know for a fact one will focus on different types of BPD, one will be about the symptoms of BPD in relationships (black and white thinking, splitting, splitting black), and one will be about some reasons why we develop this personality disorder, and why we form the relationships we do and perhaps act the way we do, although this might be part of the different types of BPD essay.
I hope this will encompass the picture that is Bpd and the hardships of relationships.
I've recently come to the decision that for me ethical non-monogamy is key for me. As pwBorderline it sounds counterintuitive; however I recently realized that I don't need a FB because I FINALLY found a group of friends that see me for me. I can't expect one person to give me everything. It is a freeing feeling.
Now the issue I'm coming across empaths as potential partners. I'm seeing one woman who is a healer/ empath. I told her as soon as she said it to not try to heal me because it would break her. We communicate well. There are some small borderline things that always come up. (Super proud I didn't over share.) It gives the impression that I want a relationship. (Never again)
Not everyone with bpd is the same...but maybe some can relate. Here is one of my relationship survival tactics. I hate it. But it’s true. Sadly it’s been true my whole life. I just began dbt and therapy and I hope it helps.
“I’m always looking for clues”
I am highly observant and extraordinarily perceptive. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. It’s part of my personal evolution. When you trip on a curb, you’re likely to remember that curb tomorrow aren’t you? Pain hurts. But I think most would agree that being surprised by pain hurts worse. Maybe it’s the shock. Maybe it’s the sting. Maybe it’s that we never got the opportunity to plead. Maybe it’s the absence of choice to run from it like we get when we see it coming. I don’t know. I do know I don’t like pain. I’m sure you don’t either. Some learn to appreciate pain, as a “teacher,” they say. And good for them. But I’ll be the unruly student. Especially when it comes to emotional pain. If it hurt just a little, and then went away, I think I’d do better letting it have its place. But when I get hurt emotionally, the pain consumes me. It wrecks me. It breaks me down and folds me up. My own personal pretzel drama. And to be surprised by pain, well, that is not a classroom I am well suited to attend.
But I am well trained. The “Self Learner.” In the art of avoiding the surprise of pain. Disappointment. Rejection. Abandonment. And being observant is my first line of defense. I’ll look for social cues. Like your body language. Your expressions. Not just what you express, but how you express it. And I’ll run that through my flawed but useful database of your past “tells.” I’ll listen to your tone of voice, your tone of text. I’ll re-read your messages to figure out what you “really” meant. It’s all on my radar. If your arms are folded. If your eyes look frustrated. If your smile is forced. Are you attentive or looking off into nowhere? Many times I’ll have to ask you to repeat yourself, because I will have been paying more attention to “what you’re saying” than what you’re saying.
And when I pick up on a “tell”...well it’s my interpretation that is the most “logical.” Always assuming the worst is coming, I begin the boxer’s defense. I’ll move in close, and smother, where I can’t be punched, or push away and stay far enough out that I can’t be reached. Either way I saw it coming. No surprises. And that is how I survive. If I can see it coming then I can plead, or put up walls. Or I can run.