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TRIGGER WARNING: trauma and dissociation

Eversince I was little I struggled with foggy memories. I remember when I was 11, I didnt remember anything about when I was bullied at 8 years old. I did, however, know those things happened. I have had these foggy memories ever since I can remember.
Now I am 21 years old and I was just smoking a cigarette and thinking about what I would’ve done differently at 15 years old. But I just thought about my first job and I just cannot remember everything correctly. I do know those things happened.
I remember saying to myself in my teens that whenever something happened, that I KNEW it happened and I HAD to remember because it was real. But now thinking back at it, I was probably dissociating. And the reason I am not remembering everything correctly is because I was dissociating. I have been dissociating since I was 8 years old.
#Anxiety #Dissociation #bordeline Personality Disorder

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🦖 🐶 Halloween ready anyone?

My little buddy comes with me everywhere and often makes people and kids laugh. Today someone day thank you for making my day. 💕 I like taking him places or in stores on his bagpack because I get to see a smile on everyone’s place and it just feels great to get so much happiness and spread it. #Halloween #Sharethelove #pettherapy #bordeline Personality Disorder #CPTSD #DBT


Am I borderline ? #bordeline Personality Disorder

I try to see why I act the way I do .
I have an intense fear of abandon .
I had suicidal ideation since I was 15.
I tried once , couple year ago but was too drunk to actually do it.
I can’t make real connection with ppl ( or I think I can’t )
I feel empty inside when I’m not in a relationship
Every time I relationship ends , I feel like killing myself .
But I’m not someone who will get angry , I don’t overuse drug or alcohol , I don’t get mood swings …
So is there someone that is diagnosed borderline with symptoms close to mine ?
What do you do to help ?

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A poem freestyle , I’m not a poet but it helps #bordeline Personality Disorder #Depression #Anxiety

I’m not a poet but it helps calm me down to write it out . This is about me suffering with my mental illnesses and how it effects my https://mentality.Hope you all find the strength to stand at least once more.

Title- Once more

The pressure the stress on my knees
But firm I stand here with a plan
watching my knees fight against me
I look I search I find anything to mend
I feel them shaking begging me to give
My heart is heavy, legs r numb
I know they will buckle ,it’s soon to come
Another failure another mistake
Why do I try to stand when I know my will always breaks
The lies inside, deep below
I keep my cool but I still know
I’m not strong enough to stand , I have no plan
I bend I break, on my knees I lay
I cry ,I hope for a better day
I’m enough, I’ll be okay
Let get back up, let’s start again
Up I stand , like a fool I feel
I count the seconds , minutes and days
How long can I go
Contemplating reason , what is my purpose .
Can I do this , am I even worth it
It feels like I’m Standing just to fall
I breathe and say
If we choose to stay alive then we will try again
It’s Hanging over me, I just want to stop
Just give up it up with my regrets and mistakes
they’ve filled me to the top
If I can’t get this right , my life I want to stop
For Another day goes by and I wake up
here I stand , and I’m alive , so I will stand one more time


My borderline survival skills are exhausting #bordeline #howiwork #Bpdrelationships


Not everyone with bpd is the same...but maybe some can relate. Here is one of my relationship survival tactics. I hate it. But it’s true. Sadly it’s been true my whole life. I just began dbt and therapy and I hope it helps.

“I’m always looking for clues”

I am highly observant and extraordinarily perceptive. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. It’s part of my personal evolution. When you trip on a curb, you’re likely to remember that curb tomorrow aren’t you? Pain hurts. But I think most would agree that being surprised by pain hurts worse. Maybe it’s the shock. Maybe it’s the sting. Maybe it’s that we never got the opportunity to plead. Maybe it’s the absence of choice to run from it like we get when we see it coming. I don’t know. I do know I don’t like pain. I’m sure you don’t either. Some learn to appreciate pain, as a “teacher,” they say. And good for them. But I’ll be the unruly student. Especially when it comes to emotional pain. If it hurt just a little, and then went away, I think I’d do better letting it have its place. But when I get hurt emotionally, the pain consumes me. It wrecks me. It breaks me down and folds me up. My own personal pretzel drama. And to be surprised by pain, well, that is not a classroom I am well suited to attend.

But I am well trained. The “Self Learner.” In the art of avoiding the surprise of pain. Disappointment. Rejection. Abandonment. And being observant is my first line of defense. I’ll look for social cues. Like your body language. Your expressions. Not just what you express, but how you express it. And I’ll run that through my flawed but useful database of your past “tells.” I’ll listen to your tone of voice, your tone of text. I’ll re-read your messages to figure out what you “really” meant. It’s all on my radar. If your arms are folded. If your eyes look frustrated. If your smile is forced. Are you attentive or looking off into nowhere? Many times I’ll have to ask you to repeat yourself, because I will have been paying more attention to “what you’re saying” than what you’re saying.

And when I pick up on a “tell”...well it’s my interpretation that is the most “logical.” Always assuming the worst is coming, I begin the boxer’s defense. I’ll move in close, and smother, where I can’t be punched, or push away and stay far enough out that I can’t be reached. Either way I saw it coming. No surprises. And that is how I survive. If I can see it coming then I can plead, or put up walls. Or I can run.

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Why we should be grateful and what is benefit to be grateful

We always be encouraged to be grateful and gratitude all the time
We will always saw a lot of post on fb or ig but we don't know why we should do so.
Then we don't have any motivation to continue...
Based on my experience
If we always be grateful then we will always happy even people just do a simple things for us
We will not have high expectation and easily to satisfied
We will be more positive and happy because all the things happened we know have reason
Yes these are all I experience now
We may not be have something special in our daily life but we can make it
If we enjoy it then no matter we are alone or with people we do happy too

Try it! And tell me your experience

#bordeline Personality Disorder #PersonalityDisorders #Lonliness #Emptiness #alone #enjoy


Why am I experiencing this?

I don’t know why but I keep confusing dreams I had for reality.

in my dream I ask my teacher a specific question.
Reality: confused on whether or not I asked her that question in real life.

I keep confusing what I asked or did in dreams with reality. Am I going crazy? Why am I mixing up dreams/nightmares with reality?

#Schizophrenia #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar1Disorder #Bipolar2Disorder #OCD #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #BPD #bordeline Personality Disorder #BodyFocusedRepetitiveBehaviors #MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #CollegeMentalHealth #College #Selfharm #Depression #MDD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #GAD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #DID #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #Dissociation #Derealization #Nightmares #Sleep #MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

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Getting back to #Nature when you feel #disconnected

Iately I've been finding that when I take time out from the world, especially in the garden, I feel really level headed and more at peace. Getting my hands dirty and stepping barefoot on the grass really is very soothing. I've never been interested in gardening untill now. Maybe it was turning 30 that my mindset and needs has made a change?
Perhaps it's the therapy I needed?
#bordeline Personality Disorder

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