Coming up is a retirement party for someone whom I worked under for 15 years and had a wonderful relationship with. I left the job 2 years ago as a result of my symptoms getting in the way of my ability to perform my job duties.
Part for of me wants to go to the party, because this person was very supportive and meant a lot to me. I should be able to do this.
But as it comes closer- I’m filled with anxiety and dread of the prospect of going. I’ll have to see a lot of people who I was really close with but haven’t had any contact with for the last 2+ years. I feel this deep sense of shame for a multitude of reasons.
1. I’ve been unemployed so if they ask what I’m doing now, i could say “watching Netflix and trying to regulate my emotions while recovering from neuromodulating surgery to fix my broken brain”
2. I’ve gained a lot of weight since I last saw everyone as a side effect of meds, and even though I know that’s not something that should effect my decision, I’m honestly embarrassed and disgusted by myself.
3. I’ve always been socially anxious, so even if I was stable I’d be experiencing anticipatory anxiety. I haven’t really socialized at all in over a year.
I thought I was beginning to stabilize, but since this event came up I can feel myself losing the ability to maintain an emotional equilibrium. Each day I spend more and more time in a state of panic, self deprecation, and general depressed moods.
I know I should, and part of me does, want to go, but every time I think about it feels like someone’s sitting on my chest and I end up crying, a lot. I’m so disappointed in myself, but I honestly don’t think I can handle socializing with these particular people at a large scale event, especially bc I used to be someone they respected and even looked to for guidance.
I’m a shell of my former self and rapidly declining. I was starting to do better, but this has sent me into a downward spiral. And to top it off, my psychiatrist of over a decade abruptly retired around the same time I found out about the event due to an acute onset of heart disease.
It’s in 2 days. I made up a story that I had to go see the neurologist so I might not be able to make it. I’m so disappointed in myself because I’ve spent most of my adult life making up excuses (lying) about why I can’t attend things because the real answer, that trapped in a cycle of negative emotions and can’t function, is just not an answer most people would understand. And I don’t fault them for that because I’m barely navigating through it myself. But I finally have started to accept myself and my limitations and have been telling the truth and this feels like a total emotional relapse.
I don’t really know why I’m posting this. Maybe just for myself to put into words what I’ve been feeling the last few days before it consumes me or my mood rapidly changes again and I have to reexamine/reorient myself to another group of feelings.
So there that is. Thanks for the space to let me work through my stuff and really make myself become consciously aware of my constantly shifting feelings.
Bipolar Disorder sucks.
#Bipolar1 #MentalHealth #SocialAnxiety