Today is such a hard day. EVERYTHING hurts. And I mean everything. Every muscle. My back is excruciating. I could list every limb and section of my body.....it's all full of pain. Including my headache. I get severe headaches which more often than not coincide with flare ups of my CPS. Plus I am beyond exhausted and feel on the verge of tears every second. I am alone. If I was with anyone and could talk about it, they wouldn't understand anyway. It is such a draining and lonely disease or problem. I am breaking down. I am isolated. Inside I am screaming . I am on the edge. Please make it stop. #ChronicPain #ChronicPainSyndrome
Here I am. Invited by the founder, reluctant yet holding on to a small piece of hope to meet and engage genuinly with real humans wherever you are. I was an active younger woman, now permanently disabled and fighting to not lose my Tigger mindset in my Eeyore body. I have few friends and emigrated to a new country 19 years ago, that is I am from the USA and live in Sweden. I am a writer, a mother of a young adult transitioning from m2f and have had very unhealthy relatonships with my biological parents both as a child and as an adult. I have extreme anxiety, am an empath, I have been feeling others emotions and trying to help them since I was a very litte child. I love animals, have two bunnies and I am mostly writing on my blog or laying on the sofa by the fire or in bed with a netflix film. I am sad that I still can't get passed the hurdles which may lead me to a healthier self image. I don't really know how to begin, so I will end.#Lonliness #Anxiety #ChronicPainSyndrome #Depression #physicalabuse #mentalabuse #SexualAbuse #holidayblues
This weekend i did 2 watercolors of my nephews. I'll have to post the other another time. I haven't watercolored in decades, and, even then, it was not portraits. But it felt nice to play with the paint. Heading out in a while for the 2nd in a series of 6 epidurals in my neck as a trial for my next procedure. They are so painful >.< One step closer to getting my nerve endings burned for relief, hopefully! The things we do for pain relief. 😑 #ChronicPain #ChronicPainSyndrome #chronicmigraine #ChronicMigraineSyndrome #FamilialHemiplegicMigraine #SpinalStenosis #AnkylosingSpondylitis #spinalcordstimulator #watercolor #Art #ArtTherapy
Let me travel the road in the midst of the throng
Where suffering humanity goes
The ones who are poor, alone, and diseased
And may I help shoulder their woes.
Let me open my eyes where heartaches abound,
May I lift them to God in my prayers.
When troubles are many and friendships are few
May they find Someone who cares.
Thank you to everyone for hearts and comment on my posts.
I was really angry and decided to pity-lash out at the only community that GETS IT.
I also went all day without eating until a few mins ago, now feeling more like myself.
Totally unexpected, my Dr and their staff were great today! They had to dismiss an employee - the one that screwed up my prescriptions. So I doubt I'll have that problem again. The Dr is an older guy and he is just so nice. He genuinely seems interested in making my health the best he can.
And already has shown sensitivity for my concerns! And already changed some meds that have improved my daily pain!
I then took a drive to Nantahala Forest, soaking in the sun driving the winding roads faster than usual because it is so much fun!! One of these days I'll share some photos of my favorite place.
Thank you Mighties!
I kept this baby colt this year, my unicorn. I dream that I’ll ride him some day and we will have adventures. But today we only walked half as far, the bone on bone in my knee said “no farther or you’ll pay”. He was gentle. He’s learning to slow down to match my pace. I chose a calm colt, one that won’t challenge me more than I can handle. Yet for every yank on the rope is another hour I won’t sleep due to neck pain. Every time I bend over to clean a hoof adds up to a future injection or surgery. My hands ache and my feet are anxious. My chest tightens with anxiety of not being good enough. Not strong enough. But today the sun was warm while the wind was biting. The sunset glorious warns of freezing temperatures to come. My colt relaxed and grazed. A hand on his furry head took all worries away. I don’t live well most days. I don’t live at all without my horses. He is there. Someday I will step up on him just like I do his grandmother - with no fear. An initial jolt of pain takes my breath away, then my body remembers those youthful days riding for hours. It melts into the horse. My mind becomes the sunshine, the trees. I don’t want to get down. Getting off is the hardest part because I can’t walk! I need my unicorn. I’m always pain free when I ride, gazing to the distance, gliding. The doctors don’t understand why I can’t quit horses. #ChronicFatigue #Osteopenia #ChronicPainSyndrome #Osteoarthritis #hyperaldosteronism #TraumaSurvivors #DegenerativeDiscDisease #Insomnia
So I've been trying to pull myself out the depression, that comes after a majorly triggering and retraumatising 6months. I've been doing this via 'Positive Proactivity' setting up an activity a day that I can get out of bed and aim for..
I had to flee my local area, so now I'm trying to get to know people and build a support network in a different county, it's challenging in covid-times.
it's meant jumping head first into as many support groups, causes, art projects and charities I can engage with..
I'm really proud of myself for making such leaps from not being able to get out of bed (2weeks ago) to volunteering, reaching out for personal support at the same time as making a new social group.
The only issue is pushing myself so hard has caused my fibromyalgia to flare, I had kidney failure 3months ago and I need to remember I'm still recovering from that to!
I struggle to find the balance between body and mind.
I did change my plans an not go badger watching tonight, I'm learning to let people know and stop before I push myself into a full on flare up and a month of being bedridden.. thats progress for me!
I should be proud of myself ive achieved so much in the last 10days!
Yet I find im still kicking myself a bit that I pushed myself into a flare up.. I always take it like a failure when I have a flare up, it's like apart of me still subconsciously sees my fibro as a 'weakness' or a personal failure. I'm learning that is not true, it's just a question of balance!