compulsive

People should not be able to just use and abuse you while taking you for granted. They often say they’re going to pay you back when you aren’t even asking for anything in return. I guess this kind of makes me feel like being alone is the ultimate resort as opposed to a beat up pillow top mattress. I’m not #narcissistic , but personalities can be terribly #colorful , #compulsive , and #Complex . Like I have a #Bigheart . When I’m at work, I feel extremely welcoming and hospitable. I also have social anxiety along with cardiomyopathy, and the best way that I’ve been coping have not been the best. I quit my #Workout routine because of how overwhelming things got. In March, I suffered a massive #PanicAttack that led to a fluid buildup in my lungs and I’ve been trying to get better since. Going #Backtowork made me feel frightened because on top of my #BPD , I often feel I’m not useful or too useful. Not everyone deserves to be taken in and showered with #hospitality . I feel like that only makes me seem #hypocritical . On top of that, I’m battling #Addiction and #Depression .

I have struggled for years with #diet cola sodas and chocolate. On again, off again. Also with compulsive eating since childhood. The overeating numbs but takes me to depression. The caffeine gives me a lot of pep and numbs anxiety initially, but then takes me to such high levels of anxiety that I feel barely able to stand it. Then I do it all over again day after day because I am addicted to it.

The sugar and caffeine affect my sleep. I know of many studies indicating that aspartame is very bad for our brains and bodies, as well as having a laxative effect, which also may mean that I'm not absorbing my psychiatric meds as much as I need to, as well as regular nutrition. I drink a lot of it, and I'm really afraid to 100% accept all of this within myself because I don't know how to let go.

The cravings and loneliness and depression...my mental health struggles started very young, and have gotten worse with age. There was a time for 2 years when I ate 3 meals a day, no chocolate, no sugar, did have diet soda but less than I do now. Rarely had depression then, but after two years of doing OK I started to go downhill over period of weeks and went into an outpatient program to get back on my feet.

I was also in very difficult perimenopause, and insomnia started then and has continued. It's been a mess, and holding down jobs have always been up and down with the depression and mood swings.

If you struggle with these, what helps you? How do you deal with intense cravings and loneliness and lack of sleep when even a CPAP machine and you don't work well together, and you've tried therapy and groups and classes etc to help with those aspects of mental health? I always take my meds as prescribed.

I would more than love to hear your shares. Thank you for listening and any experiences you can share.

#sugar #Caffeine #aspartame #diet soda #Depression #Anxiety #mood swings #Cravings #Sleep #compulsive eating #Outpatient #Perimenopause #Insomnia