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How tall are you?

I've always seen above people's heads... or I remember a time years ago when I was in elementary school, fifth grade... Mrs. Vogel a great teacher, said to my mother "I love that Amber reads so much however it's the context of what she is reading that bothers me." I loves to read, I still do even though other things have gotten in the way of my passions and enjoyment. It was my escape from the painful reality that kept my face in book after book and story after adventure. Man, do I miss that fifth grade girl right now because this almost 40 year old woman doesn't even know how she is going to make it through the week. I didn't realize until tonight that I am really so different from my family and pretty much all of them. I also didn't realize tonight that the same sad and lonely fifth grade little girl is still inside of me and now she has been woken up... BUT this time she isn't going to hide her face in a book or story or adventure of another fictional characters life. Nope, Nope, Nope!! She is going to figure out how to get herself out of this dark hole and finally LIVE!! And when I say live I mean live her own adventures without regret because those "around" her don't understand and she is going to tell her own stories with apologies because they are hers, the good and the bad and all of the bullshit in-between and she isn't going to hide her face behind a fiction character that makes the real her seem so small. I think tonight, I learned that the reason I am a six foot tall, strong, fierce, emotionally messed up beast of a woman is because this whole time I've been holding things most couldn't even imagine but I held them. I held them on these strong broad manly (🤣🤣🤷‍♀️) shoulders because God built me to be able to withstand the pain that others may have crumbled under and I think for the first time in my entire messed up, confusing, angry, bipolar and happy life... I understand from a oddly different perspective... now to figure out a way to keep this same energy and vibe and apply it... that is the real struggle I'm about to face... but I am going to with all my might attempt to face it differently than I have faced so many battles before. Because I've always known this I just didn't put it to work the way I should have... I HAVE GOD ON MY SIDE! I HAVE FAITH ON MY SIDE! I HAVE A DESIRE TO HEAL! I have so many things that this emotionally damaged person deeply inbeded within me took over for many years. But I know how to work with her now, live with her now and damned if I'm going to second to her also. This is my life and I am going to live it now... #eyeswideopen #BeautifullyBroken #aware #DayOne


The Turning Point

I am writing this as a reminder to myself that today is the day I decided enough was enough. That I will not let this chemical imbalance rule my life anymore. I am going to get help. Today is day one, and I am going to share my journey here to keep myself accountable. I hope that it will help me, and maybe in turn help someone else.

#BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #DayOne #EnoughIsEnough

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Honoring my body even when I don’t want to.

I overslept this morning, as usual I wasn’t able to turn off my brain last night till about 3. Normally I would wallow in the fact that I already messed up my morning and decide to make my day one tomorrow, but I’m instead trying to allow it and just continue on. I feel zero hunger (especially without smoking) but I’m going to try and feed myself anyway. I’ve been reading a lot about celery juice and how it helps with inflammation and a bunch of health issues so I’m going to try and incorporate that in my mornings on an empty stomach when I can. Along with a blueberry banana peanut butter smoothie and a big glass of water.

I’m also starting my day with some journaling and a few affirmations (which I still feel so silly saying when I don’t necessarily believe it). This week my affirmations are going to be very simple-

I honor my body even when I don’t want to
I am worthy of love (or I’m worth it). This second one is going to also function as a counteractive statement to my continuous thoughts of “what’s the point”. What’s the point? Because I’m worth it. Again, I don’t really feel that way right now but the point is try and change that right?

Anyway I know this can seem like a lot, I definitely don’t have as much trouble with my day ones as I do with the following days, and often times I overcommit myself which almost set up those following days for failure. But the goal is progress not perfection and one step and one day at a time. It feels nice having a place to write all this and I’m really hoping that by doing this I’m able to not only keep myself accountable, but also help others to do the same and reach some of their goals on their self-love journey.

Feel free to share any thoughts, have a great day everyone! #Depression #Anxiety #Selfcare #DayOne #Selflike #wecandothis #Support

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“Self-like” Day One + goals for this week

So I’m thinking about my new “Day One” and how I can approach it so that there’s an actual chance of some progress. I tend to get overwhelmed when I think about day ones. I’m bombarded by the amount of changes in habits or routine that I’d like to make. It feels like everything needs work-especially when you’re deep in a depression. I also am always a little jaded going in as my belief in myself seems to get lower with each small failure. So the thought of self-love, while it sounds magical, feels almost unattainable right now. Maybe as a long-term goal. But for me, personally, I need to just work towards liking myself.

Self-like is the goal for now. Here are my goals:

1. Feed myself- pay attention to my body and be mindful to choose foods I know will fuel and make me feel good. I’m aiming for 3 meals a day but two is okay too.
2. Stay hydrated- I know this will help with my energy and digestion and keeping my water bottle handy will help with this.
3. Movement- this is going to be the trickiest for me as some days I barely make it out of bed. I’m going to try to get in a daily walk, or at the least more movement around the house. My body deserves it (even if I don’t believe that)

Here we go! What are your goals in this? #Selfcare #Selflove #Depression #Anxiety #OnedayAtaTime #DayOne


Day one forever? #Depression #Anxiety

Really struggling to take care of my basic needs recently- feeding myself, basic hygiene, getting out of bed etc..
Every time I try to make a plan to take care of myself, my head rings with “what’s the point?”. I know things like gratitude, exercise, meditation, getting out in nature will all help me- but can’t seem to keep up with anything for more than a couple days. I feel like I’m forever starting “day one of a new and happy me” and it just doesn’t happen. #help #DayOne


Start of a new chapter #Anxiety

Finally got around to seeing a psychologist today for the first time. Not ruling out medication as an answer, but I thought it’d be good to explore as many options as possible. #DayOne #GAD #seekhelp #Anxiety


Day One

Day One. Went outside. Played with and walked dog. Went to gym. Took a nap. Read a book. Held my ground. #Heartache #DayOne #Trying