DBT

Do not look for healing, at the feet, of those, who broke you.

I read that, paused and cried for a https://second.I am enjoying the holiday week.im grateful
and trying as hard as I https://can.Rereading past entries, looking for dates, I came across a couple, that showed how good I was doing.
Why would a group of people try and set a person off, for fun?Let's watch her get upset, fail? For why? For a group, that has everything, to do that,is something much deeper than,teach her a https://lesson.I fail constantly and when I see someone else, struggling, I go to them, even strangers.

You sat and watched me struggle, you knew, I was https://confused.Then you laughed at, my confusion,over time, again and again.
We are not the same.

I write as a way to express https://myself.I do not have anyone to talk to on a regular https://basis.Ive been told, I like to hear my own voice, that one hurt. I have my art, writing,my son, my pets and small https://goals.I do not have friends anymore. When your health flips, your mind goes whppidy doo, https://too.Then your mental health becomes, top priority and it is not easy, at https://all.There is no faking https://it.I realized, a few years ago, I had less than a https://handful.I depended too much on my spouse,one friend,who actually didnt even like me and a https://frenemy.I do consider, a group of women, I shared a classroom with,my lead teachers, my https://friends.All of our lives, are busy, but that bond,will never sever for https://me.I have had enough, of
Relatives who are nice to my face but gossip when I https://left.I found, a majority of people in my world, did that, to https://everyone.Certain ones, have spent yheir entire lives spreading a narrative.So, I removed myself. I only became more aggressive and outside my character.
I cannot grow when all around me stays, as https://is.I cannot be,the only one looking for growth, accountability and change, to only be met with stonewalling and https://defensiveness.To expect someone to have a expiration date, to their own discovery, is wrong.in two months, you must be https://healed.Are you serious!

Not knowing the layers of trauma, a person has been through,is why, you don't play judge and Jury, to someone elses experience.
You sit with them, learn, at their pace, what is unraveling and https://why.Not set up to destruct to https://rebuild.That is playing with an order, already set, that noone but that individual, can https://dismantle.You are doing a disservice to your loved one, if you think, you know best.you only know, your perception, not theirs.

If You, will not, by choice,communicate, answer openly, or share insightful thoughts, engage and be vulnerable,I do not want to be around you.

If you, chastise,shame and belittle me, for my past, to https://others.I do not want you,in my life or around me or mine.You're toxic and talk poisons, not support.

I want open minded,pure heart,self aware, no shame and no more $$ transactional relationships.
If you give me a gift, do not hold it over me, later, to get something you https://want.I do not keep score with kindness.

I am done with petty jaded gossip,enabling meanness and https://ugliness.And if Im a bitch for it, please, call me a https://bitch.My boundaries, have turned me into the https://asshole.I understand this.

I am bullying the https://bully.Im sick of watching people get away with mocking, belittling and denying someone elses struggles and https://experience.Who does that?

Projecting your inadequacy on to me, is weak and goes unwarranted.
I am good alone, when the company, you keep, stabs its own on the regular.
Sometimes loyalty protects those for shame and for history sake, rather true character. I will find out more as the weeks go https://on.I will keep writing, resting and building. All I can https://do.I will not be forced to "heal" at anyone, elses https://pace.When you delay the process,hiding truths, you compound the fall. And I wont apologize for being transparent, because I was.
I will not pander, to hiding parts of myself, for a couple people to feel comfortable with their own https://issues.Stay in your own lane, even when invited.

I thought if I was transparent,others would https://follow.I believed it for https://years.I would smile, be forthcoming and it would be reciprocal,just https://enough.Did I know my vulnerabilities would be turned as weapons, no.am I surprised, now that the players are exposed, not one bit surprised.
Women, who coddle grown men and give excuses for men, who belittle, dismiss and undermine, other women, are the https://problem.They joke, make light, pander to the one who, doesnt care, shows zero concern and turns prideful when https://questioned.But he doesn't hit her, so prop him up and pat him on the head..I am so tired of these excuses, from women.Atleast, he didnt hit you? DID YOU REALLY SAY THAT!Four women, so https://far.I should have been grateful, they are https://saying.The bar is, to not be hit and I should be grateful.Nope, I deserve better.it could be worse so I better appreciate what I https://have.Excuse me.No, he needs to appreciate what he https://had.He needs to be happy we held him up, plated the role he wanted, for his https://comfort.The audacity to portray something you never, tried to https://grow.No effort, all forced and instructed, to get it done.
Something I have begged for, curtesy and https://inclusion.To turn and portray, my lowest point in my life, as a catapult to https://leave.That is not my cross to https://carry.I have not worked this hard and long, in my life to be called, lazy, attention seeking😄, golddigger,thats funny,a cunt(family favorite for them)a bitch, a nag, a whore, controlling(another funny one) and messy, my https://favorite.All said by the women, in his life. I cant imagine why a woman, wouldnt want that environment? Really ladies, wise up, try teaching men how, to speak to a woman,behind their backs as well as to their https://face.Try encouragement or honesty,stop plotting revenge to save face for tea time, try telling them, they are wrong for treating their spouses like an option, a burden and maybe, NOT decide to phase them out with gossip and https://slander.Be a man, speak for yourself and stop playing BOTH SIDES.
The women around your husband, should support the wife, not insult them, stalk them, gossip and trade stories, to isolate https://them.But I now know.Amazing,the charm is thick but he sure had enough of them on the sidelines, waiting.Funny, all rallied around pretty quick, for never being involved https://before.And how not one ever came to me, sad bunch.Huh, isnt life funny when the curtain gets pulled https://back.I wasn't wrong and that really bothers people, sorry.

I find humor in being called strategic and cunning, after a manipulator fails.
When a bully, flops to a quiet room and a joker, falls https://flat.All types of gaslighting, phycological warfar and DARVO, I will see through your reverse phycological https://game.It is not a game I play, unless you deal that hand https://first.Do not cry foul, when you https://fumble.You should never underestimate a woman, who follows patterns in behavior.
Bating,gaslighting,munipulation, coersion...just stop, it is played and https://abusive.And definitely don't do that to a person in, active therapy.

👋 👋 👋
Hi there, today's journals are brought to you by the cracker barrel west side https://gbots.All hanging on, waiting for that call, to drop the HaMmer 😆 🤣 😂.Get a hobby https://trolls.New wives, girlfriends or something, therapists https://maybe.Its cold out https://there.Im really not a bitch, happy when left to https://thrive.But step on my line,nope.No longer nice.

I am a reflection, of your inauthenticity, in times of judgements.

https://Oops.Did I say that.
Be safe.
Resist,Own It, Resolve
Then stop.

The exhaustion from yesterday is still https://there.I see that for two years, those around are reaching me a lesson in https://FAFO.Great.I had already taken that https://hit.Years ago and I was truthful, time and time again.no reaction, is a reaction in https://relationships.I was doing the work.no one else https://was.I will not be shamed for someone not reacting,stepping up or acknowledging there was a https://problem.I won't play your https://game.I have been mean https://arsehole.And for others amusement, https://great.Thats "auto fill", the last sentence 😉 😀 https://Nice.This will be my best journals yet!