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The thoughts that I'm having #cronicpain #CPTSD #PTSD #CheckInWithMe #ComplexRegionalPainSyndrome #Deppressed #Worried #Anxiety

So, I've had 2 dr appointments that have left me in a state of disbelief and sadness.

The first was my pain management doctor. I have been telling him for at least 6 months, that the meds I'm on, are barely helping. The morphine pump was brought up. (He refuses to go any higher on my meds, and I'm on a couple that are heavy hitters. He agreed that the pump was the next step. I was crying during the whole conversation, as well as crying at the drop of a hat for the next few days. This is a subject that I've discussed with my therapist. I thought that I was at peace with it. Far from it. I realize that the pump is the last stage, and that is terrifying. What happens if the pump no longer lasts? Where do I go from there. I've been hurt for the past 14years. I feel like I've done well avoiding the pump.

I now have to make an appointment with my old neurosurgeon, to find out if he's on board. Getting an appointment is easier said than done. Yea life!

On top of that, I recently went to my new gyn (I finally found a great one, woot woot!), and she wants me to have a mammogram due to the fact that she found a lump. (Cancer runs on both sides of my family) I'm not at all happy about the news, especially the look she had written on her face which read "worried". I'm looking at at least one surgery. I'm hoping that it's nothing, but a nagging voice is telling me to brace myself.

My family is aware of the pump. I haven't told them about the mammogram, because I don't want to worry anyone, unless I have to.

On top of everything, I feel like I have no one to turn to. I'm tired of the ulterior motives. I just want to connect and have support. Is that really such a hard request?

Post over it

So, I just am feeling so out of it. I am just like done with life right now. I am sick of being tired all the time. I am sick of feeling like crap. I owe tons of money that I just don’t have. I am stuck in a dead end job. Part of my family won’t talk to me. My fiancé is dead. My daughter’s father is dead. I take antidepressants and they don’t help. I kinda want to die. I would never do it. But I just don’t want to be here anymore. it sucks! #Deppressed #Overit #exhausted #Sarcoidosis #MicroscopicColitis #PCOS #Death

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attention seeker

I steal my dad's alcohol on purpose to a point where it is noticeable because I want to get caught because deep deep deep deep deep deep down I want to get help and I want to live. #Deppressed #selfdestruction #Selfharm

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Should I leave my job

My job is slowly killing me I work in a kennel I use to love the animals but know I just hate everything about it I am always so anxious and depressed and my manager is a bully and uses me. Should I leave? I'v been working there for 4 years it's getting worse with time #Deppressed #anxious


Yeah #Deppressed #sad

So everyday...i keep telling myself to stop cutting and planing to end everything, but still i do it all the time...
My parents know that i've done it few times and that's why i keep visiting the psychologic but they dont know that i still do it sometimes and they dont even know why...I'm not surprised if they wont even ask that, cause well...propably they dont want me to think about my ''past''
The fact is that i don't even know why am i doing things like that...well sure, i dont have any friends or self confidence but at the moment not even anything hard to go trought....everything hurts so so so much but still it's like i fell nothing....i just want to feel something


Jobless and depressed

I used to have a job that paid me a lot and I left because I could not deal with the anxiety it gave me. Ever since then I’ve been job hopping and leaving jobs because I get so anxious. I wish I had the confidence to stay in a job but I’m so terrified and I hate myself because of it. I wish I could be normal and not deal with anxiety and depression. I feel so alone.
#ihatemyself #hate #Deppressed #Anxiety