So, I've had 2 dr appointments that have left me in a state of disbelief and sadness.
The first was my pain management doctor. I have been telling him for at least 6 months, that the meds I'm on, are barely helping. The morphine pump was brought up. (He refuses to go any higher on my meds, and I'm on a couple that are heavy hitters. He agreed that the pump was the next step. I was crying during the whole conversation, as well as crying at the drop of a hat for the next few days. This is a subject that I've discussed with my therapist. I thought that I was at peace with it. Far from it. I realize that the pump is the last stage, and that is terrifying. What happens if the pump no longer lasts? Where do I go from there. I've been hurt for the past 14years. I feel like I've done well avoiding the pump.
I now have to make an appointment with my old neurosurgeon, to find out if he's on board. Getting an appointment is easier said than done. Yea life!
On top of that, I recently went to my new gyn (I finally found a great one, woot woot!), and she wants me to have a mammogram due to the fact that she found a lump. (Cancer runs on both sides of my family) I'm not at all happy about the news, especially the look she had written on her face which read "worried". I'm looking at at least one surgery. I'm hoping that it's nothing, but a nagging voice is telling me to brace myself.
My family is aware of the pump. I haven't told them about the mammogram, because I don't want to worry anyone, unless I have to.
On top of everything, I feel like I have no one to turn to. I'm tired of the ulterior motives. I just want to connect and have support. Is that really such a hard request?