hate

I try not to burden others, but when you have lost all hope and there is nothing else you can do... No one cares and all they do it HATE you for all you do, say and live. What am I supposed to do? People always say there is help, but there is not. People who are supposed to be trained to help others who have the knowledge and know how choose not too. What is a person to do when all hope is lost and there is nothing left? I can't stop nor get past this pain. There is nothing left in this life anymore... The only Love I felt has long gone.

I recently joined 'reddit' and posted a comment on a self harm scar. My comment was insensitive and I will not repeat it here. It was the reply that I received which really opened my eyes to my own trauma.

The reply from the "redditor" was "I am sorry you are feeling powerless over your own body". I never thought about it this way. I know one thing for sure. The trauma took something away from me that day. It took my confidence and my care free attitude and left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I want that happy go lucky kid back. The other side of the argument is finally growing up and entering the 'real world'. It could be a combination of both although I consider it was mostly my poor decisions catching up with me.

12 long years have passed since I was assaulted and time has done little to heal the pain. I am just as angry and grief stricken as the day the incident occurred. I was not in control of the situation and maybe this is why I feel the way that I do?

Revenge plays on my mind a lot and I catch myself drifting in and out of seeking vengeance. I have medication which temporarily assists in levelling my emotions and focusing on the here and now.

My mind will play tricks on me from time to time; starting me off on a road of revenge only to lead me to grief and misery. I am of the belief that revenge will do little to heal my pain as the damage has well and truly been done.

#power #powerless #MightyTogether #TheMighty #Friends #foes #Love #hate #betrayal #Depression #ChronicFatigue #PTSD #Pain #suffering #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Scars #Trauma #Revenge #rut #despair #hopelessness #self #Selfesteem #Confidence #Happiness #Hope #pleasure #Healing #Recovery #Addiction #selfmedicate #Hope #Emotion #CPTSD #Grief #Survivor

I get very angry because I am frustrated at my own decisions. I beat myself up about the friends I kept and how they took advantage of me. I don't know why I am so angry when my mum is just trying to help. I think it's more to do with the fact I don't want these problems and I should never have to deal with them in the first place.

I kept bad company in my late teens and was getting into a lot of trouble. I need to remind myself that none of the decisions I made are my mothers fault - I need to start taking ownership of my own life. I was involved with the wrong crowd and I have to accept that nothing positive comes from that type of existence. I know it is difficult to come to terms with and I am deeply sorry for my decisions.

I want to stop getting angry at my mother and stop blaming her for all the negative events that were inevitably going to occur. I was not cut out for that life and my parents were trying to warn me before anything happened to me. Luckily I managed to survive without any major life changing events but I am left with the mental trauma that I am not equipped to deal with.

I need to stop getting angry and start living life on my terms. My time on this planet is not perfect and the decisions I make merely reflect an imperfect life.

#PTSD #anger #Depression #Sadness #Drugs #Addiction #Guilt #Friends #association #nobody #empty #assualt #Trauma #Pain #hurt #betrayal #lies #Truth #hate #End #time #Life #Happiness #dreams #Love #Positivity #Support #Love #Rage #control

Whats this uncontrollable feeling i have. I feel like my body is going to explode and everyone around me will take the hit. My wife, my son, coworkers i feel as if i dont care who i hurt anymore... there are only so many things i can smash so many time i can hurt myself before i turn on the ones i love. I hate it i hate it so much why do i have all this rage. #anger #hate #MentalHealth #nowheretogo

Pretty much this whole month, I wish it didn’t happen. First I wound up with a cellulitis infection that had to heal. On the heels of that I tested positive for Covid! I’m three days into it..and my symptoms are super congestion, headaches, sneezing, (my nose is raw) occasional coughing fatigue, and some stomach upset. This strain of the variant virus is like an awful head cold.

My husband who goes out and about everyday has so far tested negative. We have both been fully vaccinated and I’ve even had double boosters.

I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, Psoriasis, psoriatic arthritis, and metabolic syndrome, and had just recovered from a skin infection. I wondered if it was my weakened immune system that made me an easier target for the virus? So far three friends I’d seen a couple of days before I fell ill, all have been fine. -They might be asymptomatic, or hopefully by some miracle I’m the only one who’s become ill?

I was thinking last night that I would hate to be in a physically sick state like this for a duration. I just deel with the other conditions I have..

It must truly be awful to be physically, chronically ill.

I texted my oldest daughter something like the sentance above, with the addition of my current state of health. I doubt she’d even read or respond to it. I have sympathy and can also identify with crap people go through. My 40 year old daughter ghosted us. Without explanation or reason and there was no provocation on our part. She’s got Stage 4 cancer, so on some level I get the block out of people, loved ones, she conveniently doesn’t wish to deel with any longer!

So, I have taken a Red Sharpie across my paper wall calendar and drawn a large X through the month of June! I feel like I didn’t get a June 2022! #illness #COVID19 #Depression #PTSD #sick #AutoimmuneDisease #hate this! I’m in sick #bed mode. #I tried to do a least one productive thing today. I just want to feel better and get back to functioning on some level..

i hate everyone and everything. why keep going? nothing changes. no one changes.