dispair

Hey there! I've been struggling with social anxiety for a while already. During the pandemic I met a group of people and they felt good. I thought I had found my people, you know? It was hard at the beginning, always feeling awkward and odd. But eventually I started to feel more comfortable and even "at home". It of course took me longer than it did to others, but I was finally getting there and it felt like a huuuge success on my side in spite of being an anxious introverted.

Recently,though, I noticed for some of the conversations they have when we meet that some of them, whom I actually considered to be closer with, have been meeting to chat and whatever and not including me. And God it hurt. It felt like all the struggle I went through to try and warm up to them was absolutely pointless. I know they didn't do it with a bad intention, they're actually real nice people.
But not getting invited at the end of the day feels like you're invisible, irrelevant. Like you're okay and nice and all but just enough for you to be considered for other plans

I know the best way to deal with this is by talking it out with at least one of these people, but I'm terrible at being vulnerable and opening up about the things that hurt. It gives me major anxiety just to think about it. And I also feel that if I talk it out and they start including me, are they really doing it because they like me or because they pity me? Gosh! too many thoughts in my mind and I just feel hopeless.

Sorry for the long post. Hope to hear your thoughts on this one. Thank you

#SocialAnxiety #Openess #dispair

So I haven’t yet been officially been diagnosed with crps, but I have many of the symptoms. I have come to contact with several neurologists, so hopefully I get answers soon. I have had pain now for almost 3 years. I was totally normal, then I was grabbing my suitcase from a high night, and I stretched to get it, and that’s when all my pain began. I thought I ruptured my gallbladder, that region of my abdomen is the origin of all my pain I experience today. For a while, I thought I had gallstones. I went to doctors, and emergency rooms so many times. I have had an unbelievable amount of ct scans, c-rays, and ultrasound scans, all over my body. Nothing came up. I had a HIDA scan done to my gallbladder, that test came back fine. My pain came and went for over 2 years. Around New Years, my pain then extended from my upper right abdomen, and caused parathesia in my back, shoulders, and arms. In April, I went on gabapentin for my pain, it took my pain levels down, though it never disappeared. By mid July, my pain came back like how I remembered from the winter. Now over the last 3 weeks, it’s intensified to levels I have never experienced before. Now it feels like a combo of being skinned alive, then set on fire, and then being tortured with a sander. I have upped my dosage of gabapentin, added cbd oil, and gummies, as well as ibuprofen, Tylenol, aspirin, as well as prednisone. I also try magnesium and vitamin b12, not one of these things bring me any relief. I’m in so much pain every moment of the day, I now mostly stay in bed. I’m 24 years old, unemployed, in my parents house, and cannot contribute financially, I had plans to start nursing school this fall, which is safe to say that will no longer happen. I am seeing all my peers getting into relationships, getting into careers, and buying homes. All the while I feel so hopeless. The pain has made me very hopeless and depressed. I now feel like I will never achieve any of those goals my peers have. The only thing I have going for me is decades longer of pain, and that thought breaks me everything I think that way. This is no way to live my life. I cannot go on another 55 or so years with this misery. I’d rather end it, and die young, so I will no longer be tortured by physical pain, and being tortured by seeing everyone fulfilling their dreams, and goals, while I can’t stand the feel of clothes on my body. I really need to hear advice from someone. #Pain #IfYouFeelHopeless #Depression #dispair #Misery #depressed #ChronicPain #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide

I've always had ups and downs, I've spent most of my life trying to understand myself, heck even figure out who I am, but even in my darkest times I would still have that slight bit of hope that tomorrow could be better, im all our of tomorrows, im tired, and I just don't care anymore, I just want it to end, it's strange cause if it was another person I'd do anything to save them, but for myself I just want it to end.

#anger #Rage #frustration #dispair #Depression #Hoplessness

I have a sickening amount of bitterness, frustration & anger in me. I have a darkness and rage inside of me that is completely psychopathic & dismal. i learned to harness hatred as a weapon when i was young & growing up i have used it to trick, manipulate, & provoke "wicked" people into situations where I could justify committing violence unto them. I started as child & brought this behavior into young adulthood & now, understandably, the consequences become more serious. However lately ive been inflicting harm unto myself by creating toxic and unhealthy situations in a sick effort to keep my rage a sharpened weapon. I tried therapy twice before & have recently returned because i think i deserve a fate better than suicide. The toxicity of MY COMMUNITY specifically continues to fuel the fire & sharpen the blade that is my pain & rage.