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Bipolar1 and Sunbstance Abuse Relapse

I have a personal experience I need to share!
Part of my history is #SelfMedicating /#SubstanceAbuse ; sober going in 20 years. My mental health diagnoses were re-evaluated approx. 2 months ago (new, wonderful psychiatrist). #Bipolar1 was established; with it came medication changes. I have been “controlling” a simmering rage-type mania for a week. I always observe, watch, connect the dots of everything. With this mania my body is feeling an empty yet POWERFUL “need” to SELF-MEDICATE. I am incredibly grateful I have no desire to do this and grateful I recognize this ‘need’ as a RED FLAG FOR IMMEDIATE MEDICATION RE-EVALUATION!! A video-called my psychiatrist. She looked at me and said “You you look manic.” (She’s great!) My meds were tweaked; I’m feeling better. I want to share this to remind anyone that it is vital to be in touch with your mind and body; we are the ones in charge; if you notice/feel any changes, if something doesn’t feel right, if you feel unlike yourself, PLEASE let your medical professional know. You are precious. Don’t dismiss any symptoms of any kind. A tweak in meds, a new trajectory in a therapy ,etc could possibly prevent a catastrophic event, such as a substance abuse relapse, from happening. I truly love all of you MIGHTIES! We are all awesome, aren’t we🥰🤩? We deserve the best. I wish you all well!
#Bipolar1 #GAD #Depression #ADDADHD #PTSD #SelfMedicating #substancemisusedisorder #PTSD



1 year 2 months sober and it's like being back at day 1... my heads trying to forget the horribleness drinking brings and just remember the positives.

I guess Alcohol’s been my glue for that long I’ve found myself more and more missing it’s ‘stick me back to together’ abilities at different occasions.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m saying to myself ‘It’s not worth it’…”just one doesn't work for you” and all the other good reasoned and sensible stuff....but it seems to just stop me in the moment, and not remove the nagging voice in my head saying ‘it's the answer to all your problems’

#SOBER #SelfMedicating #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD


Feeling Catastrophic

I woke up feeling spaced out this morning, I powered through and saw the funny side. I didn't even drink last night.
About an hour ago I started getting anxiety pangs and palpations, I wasn't consciously anxious about anything.
I realised I had been shakey all day and going light headed. Then suddenly everything felt catastrophic, Im catapaulted to my mental prison where I see no way out and Im forever trapped in this lonely, damn right scary black hole.
I went to the shop to pick up milk... and what was going to be 1 bottle of wine, which I argued internally about the pros and cons of for a good few minutes, then walked out with a box of wine (3 bottles).
I'm fully aware that alcohol is a depressant, yet I needed to self medicate and hide the immediate trauma I was feeling.
Im newly diagnosed with EUPD and Cyclothymia and right now I want the damn ride to stop!
Everything is confusing and isolating and more than anything I'm struggling with my identity.
I see my behaviours and triggers, it's like watching my own ship slowly sinking. I don't have the willpower to stop myself.
I see the worry and concern on my loved ones' faces and it makes me push them away more, because I can see what I'm doing and it's frustrating as hell.
I'll be happy as Larry again tomorrow, or maybe even later this eve... until then, I'll hold on tight with white knuckles #CyclothymicDisorder #EUPD #SelfMedicating #MentalHealth

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Mental Math at 4 AM

My long-term depression has been well-fed during the pandemic. As a result, sleep issues that I have not tangled with for over ten years have resumed. Yesterday, during the daylight hours, I was rude to a very sensitive and dear friend of mine over something achingly stupid: I made fun of her tabletop role-playing character.

My friend is very attached to her characters in general. She prides herself on creating characters who bend the rules or who stand out in a certain way. Outside of sessions, she commissions tons of art, spends untold hours researching and developing backgrounds, and writes letters and stories about her characters. She likes to homebrew, which is making up supplements to the official game, for laypeople.

She has been low key irritating me over a few sessions because she requested a gun in a setting where almost no one has a gun. Additionally, I think our characters are in competition--for what, I honestly do not know. It feels like screen time lately.

Today, I was wildly out of sorts because I was having a hard time talking over people in our weekly Zoom chat. I felt like people kept inadvertently steamrolling me, and I was exhausted. I made a comment about how her character had taken up gun worship. It immediately felt like a mistep, and I am pretty sure our interactions for the rest of the session were limited and snippy.

I drank a lot as a result. I imagine that is also part of the problem. I feel like a big, bitchy mess. Because I drank, I could not get to sleep or stay asleep. I am awake now, practicing mental math for a test that is going to hand me my own ass in a few months and calculating the regular anxiety formulas: How bad is the damage? Did I actually hurt her feelings or am I projecting? Will she think it's weird if I apologise for something she hasn't noticed? Since when did my social life become so fixated on a game? Why do I feel more entitled to social resources just because I am depressed? Honestly, isn't everyone just as depressed? Does it even matter?

I am trying to keep my life together, but I am not doing such a great job lately. I know sleep would help, but I don't really feel like I deserve to sleep. I feel toxic, and there is no place for me to isolate or escape.#Anxiety #Insomnia #SelfMedicating #Depression

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#Bipolar #SelfMedicating #BipolarAwareness #saveus

My daughter's best friend lost her mother last night to a heart attack. She was bipolar and had been self medicating with alchohol. I am so extremely sad, scared and angry. I am sick of having to hide you I am. we all need and deserve to be who we are, where ever we and not be judged. We are people with a mental illness not just a mental illness. We deserve love and respect, not disrespect and judgment. #EndTheStigma #Bewhoyouare #Hope #peace

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Poem: Masks

The masks I wear are several.
“I’m okay”, is one,
When I don’t want to say
What is hurting me that particular day.

The “hiding” mask is my most favorite,
With that mask I can simply stay in my pen,
And not have to reveal what is within.

The “false brave” one is my common,
For with a pill I can pretend,
To not be anxious,
cause of course, that’s such a sin.

I’m sure there are others that I don
Here and there,
Only if could learn to handle life,
Maybe I could be mask-less I swear.
#Anxiety #Hiding #medicate #ChronicDepression #SelfMedicating



These drugs are killing me.

My doctor recently said she thinks I might be bipolar. I always thought it was a mixture of adhd depression and anxiety. I fucked up my meds and now they aren't working. I'm self medicating with hard drugs. Hard drugs I know are killing me but I can't stop, the waves of emotion are too intense. I can't function having energy one minute then crying and feeling hopeless the next. I don't love myself, I don't know how. I expect other people to love me but don't do it myself. How dumb. I don't know what the point of this post is, I'm lost. #Emotions #rollercoaster #Drugs #SelfMedicating


Got Caffeine? Day 5/6

So I pushed myself too hard yesterday aaaand today I have been dealing with alot of pain. Took it easy today and just chilled.

Took 100mg at 6:30am and another at 11am yesterday like normal. My brain fog was doing backflips so I didn't really have the thought to notice other symptoms.

Today I missed my morning dose but took 100mg at 11am. I did not want to double dose due to the caffeine crash the other day. Took the day off work to recover and am going back tomorrow.

I notice that the fibropains and the brainfog are mostly unaffected by the caffeine but my mobility in my fingers is doing much better due to reduced swelling.

Will continue to keep you updated when I can. We all know fibromyalgia is a fluctuating nicklepooper so the inconsistency I to be expected in the future as well, please keep this in mind if you choose to keep following whatever it is I am doing. XD

#Fibromyalgia #BrainFog #SelfMedicating #Caffeine

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