My long-term depression has been well-fed during the pandemic. As a result, sleep issues that I have not tangled with for over ten years have resumed. Yesterday, during the daylight hours, I was rude to a very sensitive and dear friend of mine over something achingly stupid: I made fun of her tabletop role-playing character.
My friend is very attached to her characters in general. She prides herself on creating characters who bend the rules or who stand out in a certain way. Outside of sessions, she commissions tons of art, spends untold hours researching and developing backgrounds, and writes letters and stories about her characters. She likes to homebrew, which is making up supplements to the official game, for laypeople.
She has been low key irritating me over a few sessions because she requested a gun in a setting where almost no one has a gun. Additionally, I think our characters are in competition--for what, I honestly do not know. It feels like screen time lately.
Today, I was wildly out of sorts because I was having a hard time talking over people in our weekly Zoom chat. I felt like people kept inadvertently steamrolling me, and I was exhausted. I made a comment about how her character had taken up gun worship. It immediately felt like a mistep, and I am pretty sure our interactions for the rest of the session were limited and snippy.
I drank a lot as a result. I imagine that is also part of the problem. I feel like a big, bitchy mess. Because I drank, I could not get to sleep or stay asleep. I am awake now, practicing mental math for a test that is going to hand me my own ass in a few months and calculating the regular anxiety formulas: How bad is the damage? Did I actually hurt her feelings or am I projecting? Will she think it's weird if I apologise for something she hasn't noticed? Since when did my social life become so fixated on a game? Why do I feel more entitled to social resources just because I am depressed? Honestly, isn't everyone just as depressed? Does it even matter?
I am trying to keep my life together, but I am not doing such a great job lately. I know sleep would help, but I don't really feel like I deserve to sleep. I feel toxic, and there is no place for me to isolate or escape.#Anxiety #Insomnia #SelfMedicating #Depression