fatphobia

I’ve had an eating disorder since I was 12 and recently started medication that causes me to gain a lot of weight. I don’t want to hate myself because of this I don’t want to be fatphobic and I’m working so hard on loving my body as it is at this moment but social media and the world is making it impossible. I googled plus size clothing cuz I was really struggling to find stuff that fits comfortably but still looks good (extremely challenging). Since then all I’ve had on my TikTok(now deleted) is people telling me I have to lose weight. On instagram all I see is people that have lost weight. My family is also fatphobic so it’s just everywhere. What I dont understand is why after googling plus size clothing does weight loss come up? Surely the algorithms should show me plus size clothing. But no, apparently fatphobia is absolutely everywhere and it’s suffocating me. #fatphobic #Fatphobia #weightgain #Selflove #Selfcare

Over the last 7 months, I have lost about 40lbs unintentionally. I am still overweight (about 30 on the seriously antiquated BMI chart). I also have a lot of other symptoms including swollen axillary lymph nodes. Four months ago, my doctor authorized an ultrasound and a biopsy was done. It returned results of no cancer or lymphoma. Since then, I saw a gastroenterologist who put me on a low FODMAP diet for IBS, refusing my request for a colonoscopy because I had a clear one 6 years ago. I said that I have new symptoms, but he wasn't convinced my problem isn't anxiety/food-induced IBS - mixed c/d. I did the diet with very little change in symptoms. At my follow up, I asked for a colonoscopy, and he gave me excuses why I am fine. I asked about the weight loss and he said, "Well, at 168, your BMI is still..." and then I cut him off. I said I didn't want to hear any talk about my BMI. I am losing weight unintentionally and fairly quickly. The fact that I am overweight is irrelevant. I yelled at him until he said he'd order a colonoscopy/endoscopy. Luckily, a different doctor will be performing it. My primary also doesn't seem to care that I am losing weight. She refuses to refer me to rheumatology because my "bloodwork is fine," even though I have symptoms of a possible autoimmune disorder. My therapist even called my PCP and asked her to refer me, but she won't until the GI is done with what he's doing. I am having symptoms unrelated to GI and there are waitlists for most providers who accept my insurance. I don't understand why I have to wait when my insurance doesn't require it and I am suffering. I've spent the last 18 months trying to get care for my pain and symptoms. It took me 6 months and changing providers to get a referral to ortho and neuro because all my symptoms were blamed on anxiety. I am still being held back because I have mental illnesses and am overweight. I'm tired of all the stigma and bigotries in medicine.

Noone is going to make me food or run me a bath. I have to wait sometimes weeks for someone to carry my laundry down so I can do it then gaia knows when it'll come back up. So I often have to wear dirty clothes. Which my mother encourages because we apparently can't afford to wear our clothes once. Yet she can afford all kinds of junk food and other miscellaneous stuff. She recently brought home kittens and I have to feed them and clean up after them. Which I never agreed to. My bedroom is destroyed, garbage everywhere, and noone will help me clean it up. I can't do chores anymore and my family had gotten comfortable with me doing almost all of them since I was a kid. Never had a choice, parents worked all day and my brother's were fucking abled bodied princes who got to sit around playing games all day. When they were in the 20s I stopped cleaning up after them and hell ensued. I was shamed and guilted and abused so bad for refusing to do it. So I continued to do it when I can. Often it was a condition of me moving back home everytime welfare kicked me off or a roommate or landlord fucked me over. I could barely take care of myself, yet I'm expected to clean up after grown abled bodied men? Sexist abliest bullshit. I can't get homecare. I've been waiting on specialists for over 15 years. Mum can't afford the CBD oil anymore. We've got cannabis in the house but who knows how long we can keep getting it and it comes with a whole other set of problems. I'm exhausted and suicidal tho I'm too scared I'll fuck it up to attempt it. But somedays I come close. I'm so scared of becoming a vegetable. The worst part of this is that for a few months this year I had gotten healthcare and physically I was doing better but the medicine was causing me severe panic attacks every night, couldn't sleep in my bed for months. My mum's abusive boyfriend added a board at an angle to my bed just to get me off the couch cuz they were afraid my fat would break it. Then we couldn't afford the dosage of CBD anymore. So with both meds down, I'm slowly declining again. I hate that I'd had that good period of time because it gave me fucking hope and then it was gone as fast as it had come. Cruel as fuck. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of nobody believing me. I'm tired of the world telling me I don't deserve healthcare and basic human rights. I'm trans, fat, disabled and queer. The world hates me. I'm tired of being alone because the only people who will be friends with me are too tired to interact even online. I'm exhausted. How do YOU do it? #Anxiety #Depression #Disability #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #ChronicMigraines #chronic dizziness #CPTSD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Autism #ADHD #restlessness #exhausted #NeedSupport #needhealthcare #CarpalTunnelSyndrome #Osteoarthritis #trans #queer #Fatphobia