heartbreak

Today marks one year since the hardest day of my life so far.

I played a concert tonight under one of my collegiate mentors, who is one of the strongest and smartest people I know. I’ve had the opportunity to play first chair these past three weeks, and it was extraordinarily special to play first for her.

I listened to our rendition of “Shenandoah” on the way home, driving near the airport at 12:30 am. Without even thinking about it, I said out loud to myself: “I think I am finally healed.”

My heart has and continues to be mended. I am so grateful to feel finally some inklings of healing.

Things come and go and it is okay to feel all feelings about all of it. I wish I could go back to my younger self and tell her all of these things.

Eternally grateful for my achievement and growth in the last year. I could not have imagined a year ago that I would be here.

Oh, Shenandoah, I’m bound to leave you,
Away, you rolling river
Oh, Shenandoah, I’m bound to leave you,
Away, I’m bound away, across the wide Missouri.

#Grief #Anxiety #heartbreak #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Music #breakup

i sleep Alone

eat Alone

and breathe Alone

so why wouldn't i be okay with being

Alone?

and then i let you in.

so now we do things together

from hugging and kissing

running and talking

but,

now you're gone

you decided you wanted someone else

and that's cool i guess

but now i don't eat and i can't sleep

it's hard to breathe cause at times i don't want to

but it's fine because now i bleed

Alone.

but it's fine.

i "like" being Alone.

#MentalHealth #SuicidalIdeation #PTSD #Trauma #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Suicide #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #heartbreak

Maybe you're right. maybe this is all I can be, but what if it's you and it wasn't me? Maybe we could be something more than what we have been. Maybe we could be more than friends more than what we are. we could be lovers? But then ill show you the darkest parts of me. the ones i don't want no one to see. the side of me that left me pleading. yet. you want me?

#Lovelost #heartbreak #Depression

After 200 days, I ask:

Why do I still leave my bedroom door open as a symbol of thinking he may return?

Why do I wonder what he’s doing during moments in the day?

Why does it never seem as sad but I feel sad because I’m not sad?

Why do I still remember what my life looked and felt like?

How can I still remember what he looked like or felt like?

How can I still think he’s decent when he said undeniably hurtful things?

Why is my job and life still much harder without him?

Onward we go to another 200 days. 💔

#breakup #heartbreak #Anxiety #Grief #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #nocontact

I’ve been pretty stoic about it in my waking hours but I see him when I sleep.

I dream about his family. Having a conversation with him. Running into him at school. Or in public. I have only a foggy outline of his figure and have lost any semblance of his voice completely.

I’ll never forget a dream from that first week, where we drove past each other on the highway and stopped, staring at each other and then moving on.

I never remember what I say. I just know I won’t be able to say anything at all to him in real life.

#breakup #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Anxiety #heartbreak

We started dating right before Christmas in 2023. It was the best gift I had ever received. I can’t express to you what joy I felt.

I’m worried for the holidays now. Not because I can’t have some fun, but because something will be very different this year. The apartment that he helped me move to is going to be decorated alone and I’ll celebrate here without him. It doesn’t feel right. Even though he’s been gone for so long.

It’s almost been five months now. Soon I will have been without him for longer than I was ever with him. Man, this is hard.

P.S. I am doing just fine. School is a lot of work and I’m taking care of what needs to be taken care of. Thanks for letting me share the stuff I don’t get to talk about as much.

#Grief #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #breakup #heartbreak

I don’t think I have the strength to continue dating. I was talking to another guy that ghosted me after talking for months. I’m always feeling like I’m a second or third option to everyone. Rejection after rejection makes me feel like, Am I even worthy to go out with anymore? I’m scared and tired of baring myself emotionally to get kicked and stomped on. Now I feel, in my early 30s, that I will die alone with my cat. I hate this feeling. Every bad date or experience feeds the depression. I am barely functioning. Barely leaving the house. I don’t know what to do. #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Dating #heartbreak #MentalHealth

My adult son and I have had a close relationship, going out to dinner and a movie most weekends, as I moved across country to be closer to him and other family. Recently, I had a heart scare and was in the hospital 6 days. He informed me( the day I was released) that he only helps me because he says he is a good son but he doesn’t owe me anything. Seems so angry and now I feel like I am a burden. His callous and cruel words has pretty much destroyed my heart. I honestly thought he enjoyed my company and really loved me but am even questioning why he wanted me to move. This has truly broken this 73 year old mothers heart. Don’t even know how to move forward. Thanks for reading. #heartbreak

I was just wondering what your thoughts are on telling someone you love them, even if you know the feeling isn’t mutual? There is a man I love…we’ve been friends for a while, and slipped into a situationship a couple of years ago, but it has been mostly platonic for the last year or so. He’s been hot and cold over the years, but has always kept me at arms length. His reasoning is the age difference, and he’s said he doesn’t feel that way towards me. Even though it’s definitely seems he has at times, he’s verbalized that he doesn’t. I however DO love him and have strong feelings for him. Do I tell him I love him? Not in hopes that he’ll love me too necessarily, but because I feel like I need to? Is it wrong to him if I put him in that position? Or should I not worry about that and speak my truth? I’m scared, but feel like I need to tell him how I feel. Life is short. Even if he doesn’t feel the same way, at least I shared how I feel. I’m curious everyone’s thoughts and opinions on this? #Love #Anxiety #heartbreak #Opinion #Truth #help #MentalHealth #SpeakmyTruth #honesty