holiday

I'm having the weeps right now. I don't know why. I thought i was mentally prepared. I was looking forward to a break from stressfulwork and resting/recovering from (hopefully) temporary back pain. My husband will be visiting his mom tomorrow.

I'm split. I get to organize my time to my liking, writing or reading if I want to. Self care (physical therapy or rest). Music for me.

But I'm feeling alone and frghtened and old. (64, feel likee 84, but doubt I will reach 70--I hope not.)

Rambling, and mucking up this post in this app. I'll write to myself and call a warm in the morning after m husband leaves

° " Spending Time With Family And Total Stranger's... Can Be Well Alittle Bit Of A Chao's.. So Remember To Alway's Take A Time Out.. For Yourselve's... And Have Peace... All My Love ~ SKAOI KVITRAVN #Holiday 's

I don't know what a "normal" holiday is supposed to look like, yet somehow that is all I crave.

A holiday where you don't have to decide if it's worth it to see family members if you know it is going to cause a flare afterwards.

A holiday where things aren't tense because of all the family members who still don't want to admit or get treatment for any other mental health issues.

A holiday where I didn't need to lay down to rest in the middle of the day and that I didn't wake up in pain.

A holiday where I don't see the traditions others are doing and remember just how much my chronic illnesses have taken away from me.

A holiday where I don't see all the other people my age who now have a family of their own and starting a legacy of traditions with their own kids... all while I wonder why my body didn't even give me the choice to decide what I wanted my legacy or future to look like.

A holiday where it doesn't make me realize that yet another year has passed and the harsh reality of how many goals I didn't meet.

A holiday where I could actually feel comfortable inviting people over to our house... to have a house that isn't constantly in a state of destruction thanks to two ADHD adults living in it.

A holiday that didn't make me miss my career and all the extra events and services that I used to work during these special weeks of the year.

If I'm being honest with myself, I know that there probably isn't a "perfect" holiday for anyone. Yet it's hard not to notice so many more painful realities during these days each year. Because when you have chronic illness, it never takes a holiday or day off.

And it's hard not to hope that somehow, someway, next year will be a little bit better. But for now, I have to try and find the moments I can enjoy in the midst of yet another holiday that feels ruined.

#Holiday #ChronicIllness #Fibromyalgia #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #postviralsyndrome #ADHD #Bipolar2 #Anxiety

When unpacking your bag from holiday trip leaves you with -10 spoons. #SpoonieProblems #Holiday