idk

So lately I’m struggling managing my emotions , I easily get bothered or overwhelmed. I feel like I’m being judged for almost everything by my spouse . The other day I was so overwhelmed by an argument I had with my spouse and other stressors on top. I felt defeated and I’m going through a lot of stress… a few days ago I wanted or felt like I wanted to cut my self but I didn’t, instead I scratched my wrists … and I kept thinking I wanted to stop existing, but I really will not act upon those thoughts, because I know I will not plan anything…and I know is time to seek help….
A little backstory back in 2018 I was seeing a counselor for a year and I was on an anti depressant for 6 mo. And I was told I had circumstantial depression…
But now I need to know where I should go to seek help… should I see a psychologist, psychiatrist or start with some counseling? # #idk #Stress #Depression #Selfblame #Selfharm #help

Does anyone know that moment where you have to make a decision and you are looking at both roads ahead. They both take you on a journey of uncertainty. But one looks / feels so much harder than the other.
So you are torn between between the two.
Not knowing which one will give you the outcome you desire.

I know I can’t see into the future and there are always mountains, deep rivers and cracks through each journey.

I have a gut feeling and my mind is telling me which way to go right now. But I’m terrified. I don’t want to let myself down. But I also don’t want to loose myself in the process.
Which is where I am now at the crossroads.
#Crossroads #Anxiety #Depression #scared #idk

One thing I’ve been trying to teach myself is ignore passive aggressiveness. one wrong action/word/ or even look can trigger me to try to “mind read” the other person, but that only leads me to thinking they hate me or they’re judging me etc. so I’ve been trying to teach myself to ignore everything until it is directly said to me. Maybe this isn’t the best coping mechanism, but it seems like if I try to cut all outside stimulation and ignore everything, the less likely I’ll be mentally and emotionally tormented. Basically less aware of ppl

What do you think?

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Selftalk #Depression #idk

I found something about myself today.

Since I was a teenager, my biggest nightmare was something I called "aam zindagi" which translates to "common life". In the nightmare, I was an unaccomplished person who was married to someone who didn't love me, I had two kids I never wanted, and I was just a housewife whose job was to cook and clean only.

A lot jas happened since then. A person whom I loved who didn't love me back and my resulting inability to love anyone else, my battles with loneliness, the war I fought (and am still fighting) with anxiety and depression, grandmother's cancer, my father who said I have no rights to the childhood home I grew up in, my mother's constant screaming, my brother who has a low IQ and ADHD which makes it difficult for him fo study and be normal (I'm always worried about his future), and the 35 bmi that I now have because of stress eating, hair fall, the constant tension headaches which seem to come and go as per their will, and the fact that I am 24 now and soon I'll have to either marry someone (arranged only since for love marriage you need to have someone whom you love and who loves you) or be a lonely woman in the near future.

I could not fully understand why was I triggered by the word "marriage", but now I do. It seems to be the last step in making my actual life "aam zindagi". A life I used to once consider worse than death itself.

But I did something different today too. I walked and talked with a guy I met on Tinder for nearly 4 hours, I reconnected with a college friend, and I finally made up my mind and finally made up my mind to say no to someone with whom I didn't want to spend time with but was kinda forcing myself.

I know the college friend won't be there in my life forever, and the Tinder guy I met today is, well maybe a little cute yes (and I can kinda imagine kissing him), won't be able to help scare my loneliness away. After the call with my college friend I listened to "One More Light" and cried. I cried and understood my fear of the word "marriage", why is that a trigger for me. I finally admitted to myself that I want friends and I want someone to love me, someone I love as well. And it might sound needy, but we as humans need a social network to thrive.

I don't know what this realization means and what I gotta do now. But I know a little more about myself today. I really hope that one day I am free of this fear of loneliness and be happy. The current image I have is surrounded by friends, resting after a day of fun with my head on my lover's chest. I don't know if this image is correct, needy, unrealistic, or what but I hope that one day I'm as happy as I look like in that image.

Brain's empty now. I love reading people's comments and thoughts so feel free to do so. 🤗
Forgive any typos, I didn't review this one before writing.

#Loneliness #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #cry #nightmare #scaryfuture #idk

For the past two nights I’ve been up till 4am (about right now) with my thoughts in bed. I’m waiting for this med that I take when I’m feeling like this to kick in. As it gets later and later, I get more anxiety and it becomes a catch-22. This whole isolation thing is making this month go by so slowly. I want to scream. I’m still exercising when I need to and have even risked contact just to hang out with friends in person because I was going crazy for human face to face interaction.

Last night, I felt so much pressure from anxiety in my chest that if it wasn’t for me catching it and doing some stretches and deep breaths to lease the tension, I think I could have had a panic attack. Mine are not severe panic attacks. They happen when there so much pressure in my chest that it literally feels like I can’t breathe.

I’m honestly Not sure why or what I’m worried about exactly. I dot even know why I’m posting this. Maybe I need to get this out there. Maybe I’m wondering if other people are like this? Maybe I want support? But for what? Ugh.

#Anxiety #Depression #latenight #why #Stress #idk

Just woke up from what I had planned to be a nap. It’s dark out and my grow lights had shut off so I guessed it must be around 8-9. I was very wrong. It’s 1. In the morning. Why? I’m also not sure why I woke up, but I have this terrible headache which is borderline migraine pain, but knowing my migraine triggers (lack of sleep and stress) it can’t be a migraine, for the former reason.
I’m just sitting in the shower now waiting for the fioricet to kick in. Thinking maybe I’ll just start adding random memes and funny pictures to the beginning of my posts to hopefully make someone laugh.

it’s kinda just one of those nights. sad for no reason but also oddly angry? and hungry but not? really lost lol