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Hi my fellow bordis 🌻

I want to share a experience I had recently and I would like to know if some of you had something similar.

*Disclaimer*

It contains abuse #in a relationship, but details of the act are not mentioned.

I am not a native English speaker 😬

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6 Months ago my ex and I broke up, on normal terms. It was a short relationship. A few Months after the break up I suffered from flashbacks, depersonalitsation and many high states of tension than usual. Fragments of negative memories from the relationship, that I apperently forgot, came up and I couldn´t deal with it. The more I talked it down like "I´m crazy" "other people got it worst" "I´m being dramatic, that wasn´t abuse what he did", the worse it got. I have quiet #BPD and I got my diagnose 2020, so I kinda know what my symptomes are (noticing them is another thing😅) but flashbacks and depersonalisation this strong were new for me. I got so confused and I questioned myself in everything.

I talked with a counsellor for victims of #Abuse and with my Therapist about it and it came out that he abused me several times. I have the tendencie to whitewash problems so it was hard for me to realise and accept what happened. It's like I woke up from a confusing dream and arrived in the reality that I tried to avoid.

I blamed myself for everything what happened. I had a heavy identity crisis because I didn´t recognize myself who I was during this relationship. My therapist explained me that I didn't perceive the emotions fear and disgust (i felt during the relationship) enough that would have make me leave. I only clung to the positive ones like joy/infatuation, so that even when he treated me bad many times I still stayed with him, ignoring my doubts and suppressing all that. Another aspect is that i was in a bad mental state. Deep down I was scared and I felt a certain aversion to him before and during the relationship but I blamed those feelings on my bpd. Looking back it was my intuition. My friends told me that they warned me many times that he´s awful but I idealized him and I couldn´t let go. Those Emotions joy/infatuation are like a drug to me. they are so strong that I lose the reality and then I´m lost in my bpd-film. It's like, at that time my bpd took over my life completly, whitewashing my ex and his actions, projecting a relationship I craved for that in reality wasn´t there and putting myself several times in a obvious danger. The real me tried to warn me through my intuition and had to watch how I made poor decisions. And then I forgot or rather surpressed everything subconsciously until I got trigerred.

The positive part in this is that even though its hard to accept the reality, things are much clearer now for me. I can´t change the past but now I know why I suffered those symptomes and what I have to do now. I´m thankful to have my Therapist who helps me so much on how I can deal with my bpd and how to avoid such situations or rather to be able having a healthy relationship sometime.

#Recovery is not easy. There are some breakdowns that go with it. But I try to see the parts where I´m getting better and that motivates me to continue ✨

*I wasn´t in therapy during my relationship

Hello to #TheMighty folks on this site! I am understanding my version of Christ has images and aspects of my painfully critical authority figures I have experienced in my younger life. So, this morning, after listening to a few older songs from an old worship playlist, I asked the Lord to please open my eyes to see him through his lens.

The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit that was evidently witnessed in the life of Jesus, as he walked this earth, caused many to draw NEARER to him rather than to flee from his presence. And in all honesty, the majority of those that were repulsed by his life, companions, and the healings he performed, were those who considered themselves as the most religious and closer to God members of society. But in reality, those religious folks failed to even recognize the very God they claimed to serve’s only begotten Son!

#christ #like #Christianity

I just rewatched the story of artist Frieda Kalho and noticed she had a mirror over her bed. Although I do not have a mirror over the bed yet, Frieda and I share a lot in common. After being injuried in a freak accident she endured years of suffering and loss and used art as part of her self expression. I too was so badly injuried, enduring way too many surgeries and recovery in a circle that keeps me horizontal most of the time. I too have found my healing expressed thru art. I have painted, drawing, sculpted and beaded in bed. And just like the Princess and the pea, I have been unable to sleep to find a pen or bead under my butt. Frida was so self reflective, sometimes painfully horrible. Isn’t that the truth for all of us who rule the horizontal?

Puppy kisses

#bluepaint anyone got sum?

#lonelytoo