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When your BPD blocks your perception

Hi my fellow bordis 🌻

I want to share a experience I had recently and I would like to know if some of you had something similar.


It contains abuse #in a relationship, but details of the act are not mentioned.

I am not a native English speaker 😬


6 Months ago my ex and I broke up, on normal terms. It was a short relationship. A few Months after the break up I suffered from flashbacks, depersonalitsation and many high states of tension than usual. Fragments of negative memories from the relationship, that I apperently forgot, came up and I couldn´t deal with it. The more I talked it down like "I´m crazy" "other people got it worst" "I´m being dramatic, that wasn´t abuse what he did", the worse it got. I have quiet #BPD and I got my diagnose 2020, so I kinda know what my symptomes are (noticing them is another thing😅) but flashbacks and depersonalisation this strong were new for me. I got so confused and I questioned myself in everything.

I talked with a counsellor for victims of #Abuse and with my Therapist about it and it came out that he abused me several times. I have the tendencie to whitewash problems so it was hard for me to realise and accept what happened. It's like I woke up from a confusing dream and arrived in the reality that I tried to avoid.

I blamed myself for everything what happened. I had a heavy identity crisis because I didn´t recognize myself who I was during this relationship. My therapist explained me that I didn't perceive the emotions fear and disgust (i felt during the relationship) enough that would have make me leave. I only clung to the positive ones like joy/infatuation, so that even when he treated me bad many times I still stayed with him, ignoring my doubts and suppressing all that. Another aspect is that i was in a bad mental state. Deep down I was scared and I felt a certain aversion to him before and during the relationship but I blamed those feelings on my bpd. Looking back it was my intuition. My friends told me that they warned me many times that he´s awful but I idealized him and I couldn´t let go. Those Emotions joy/infatuation are like a drug to me. they are so strong that I lose the reality and then I´m lost in my bpd-film. It's like, at that time my bpd took over my life completly, whitewashing my ex and his actions, projecting a relationship I craved for that in reality wasn´t there and putting myself several times in a obvious danger. The real me tried to warn me through my intuition and had to watch how I made poor decisions. And then I forgot or rather surpressed everything subconsciously until I got trigerred.

The positive part in this is that even though its hard to accept the reality, things are much clearer now for me. I can´t change the past but now I know why I suffered those symptomes and what I have to do now. I´m thankful to have my Therapist who helps me so much on how I can deal with my bpd and how to avoid such situations or rather to be able having a healthy relationship sometime.

#Recovery is not easy. There are some breakdowns that go with it. But I try to see the parts where I´m getting better and that motivates me to continue ✨

*I wasn´t in therapy during my relationship

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Hello to #TheMighty folks on this site! I am understanding my version of Christ has images and aspects of my painfully critical authority figures I have experienced in my younger life. So, this morning, after listening to a few older songs from an old worship playlist, I asked the Lord to please open my eyes to see him through his lens.

The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit that was evidently witnessed in the life of Jesus, as he walked this earth, caused many to draw NEARER to him rather than to flee from his presence. And in all honesty, the majority of those that were repulsed by his life, companions, and the healings he performed, were those who considered themselves as the most religious and closer to God members of society. But in reality, those religious folks failed to even recognize the very God they claimed to serve’s only begotten Son!

#christ #like #Christianity

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Get help and risk loosing my job or don't and risk loosing my job?

Hi everyone! Need opinions. I just turned 50 and work full time as a nurse care coordinator for an insurance company. I also live with the 2 bpd's- bipolar and borderline. Since about April I've really been struggling. I'm at the point where I have to see my psychiatrist every 2 weeks. My moods are all over the place and my anxiety is through the roof. Approaching the level of paranoia. My dilemma is just what the title says. I'm at the point I really need more intense treatment like partial or inpatient treatment for a week or two. But I know my boss won't go for it. ( or my husband) But if I can't get my s**t together and be able to focus I probably won't be able to work either! Thoughts? #in a bind #sorrysolong

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Frieda had a mirror over her bed #in bed #Frieda

I just rewatched the story of artist Frieda Kalho and noticed she had a mirror over her bed. Although I do not have a mirror over the bed yet, Frieda and I share a lot in common. After being injuried in a freak accident she endured years of suffering and loss and used art as part of her self expression. I too was so badly injuried, enduring way too many surgeries and recovery in a circle that keeps me horizontal most of the time. I too have found my healing expressed thru art. I have painted, drawing, sculpted and beaded in bed. And just like the Princess and the pea, I have been unable to sleep to find a pen or bead under my butt. Frida was so self reflective, sometimes painfully horrible. Isn’t that the truth for all of us who rule the horizontal?

Puppy kisses

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Todays post is called in my heart of hearts.Growing up with Cerebral Palsy I had to learn the lesson of acceptance not only for myself but from my peers as well. You see when you have a disability like Cerebral Palsy you're never quite sure what the future has in store. for you let alone what the future brings on for you as far as your Cerebral Palsy is concerned. In my heart of hearts I know that my Cerebral Palsy is going to get worst with age but thats ok.I've come to accept that. I know that one day I will have to give up my Crutches aka my sticks because to be quite honest I'm not quite ready to give up on my crutches aka my sticks just yet because I still have a lot of abilities that I want to learn and try. In my heart of hearts I'm ready to accept whatever the next chapter brings my way,


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#MISS my daughter #

#It is a s- - ty night .She is my best friend/daughter #. I miss her so much.Yea well you can call or text her. #Guess what , that’s not the same thing .
I am angry,because I am getting older,cause my daughter is gone. I am over the top proud of her, she is an amazing young person.And my son is great and he will be gone and on his own.We have been blessed with two excellent kids I say kids but they are grown. I am in tears writing this. #AS hard as I worked my body, I am disappointed in where I am now. #in the summer she likes to go to the beach. # before when the where younger I would say he’ll yeah let’s go. But now, my f- -king body Dicktates what I can and can’t do and I hate . I could put my fist through a wall. I want to destroy something .But I hurt to bad.And when she comes home from college, she wants to do stuff,maybe go shopping or go to the park,the flea market people sale all kind of stuff.If I am having a bad day she and her dad will take her.This last time I was not able to do much.They say stress causes fiber flare They can last from a short time to a long time #.I am so so angery I have to find something. #I am so tired of this crap.I just want to be better for my kids. I love them so much.I will cry my self to sleep. #Love #