When your BPD blocks your perception
Hi my fellow bordis 🌻
I want to share a experience I had recently and I would like to know if some of you had something similar.
I am not a native English speaker 😬
6 Months ago my ex and I broke up, on normal terms. It was a short relationship. A few Months after the break up I suffered from flashbacks, depersonalitsation and many high states of tension than usual. Fragments of negative memories from the relationship, that I apperently forgot, came up and I couldn´t deal with it. The more I talked it down like "I´m crazy" "other people got it worst" "I´m being dramatic, that wasn´t abuse what he did", the worse it got. I have quiet #BPD and I got my diagnose 2020, so I kinda know what my symptomes are (noticing them is another thing😅) but flashbacks and depersonalisation this strong were new for me. I got so confused and I questioned myself in everything.
I talked with a counsellor for victims of #Abuse and with my Therapist about it and it came out that he abused me several times. I have the tendencie to whitewash problems so it was hard for me to realise and accept what happened. It's like I woke up from a confusing dream and arrived in the reality that I tried to avoid.
I blamed myself for everything what happened. I had a heavy identity crisis because I didn´t recognize myself who I was during this relationship. My therapist explained me that I didn't perceive the emotions fear and disgust (i felt during the relationship) enough that would have make me leave. I only clung to the positive ones like joy/infatuation, so that even when he treated me bad many times I still stayed with him, ignoring my doubts and suppressing all that. Another aspect is that i was in a bad mental state. Deep down I was scared and I felt a certain aversion to him before and during the relationship but I blamed those feelings on my bpd. Looking back it was my intuition. My friends told me that they warned me many times that he´s awful but I idealized him and I couldn´t let go. Those Emotions joy/infatuation are like a drug to me. they are so strong that I lose the reality and then I´m lost in my bpd-film. It's like, at that time my bpd took over my life completly, whitewashing my ex and his actions, projecting a relationship I craved for that in reality wasn´t there and putting myself several times in a obvious danger. The real me tried to warn me through my intuition and had to watch how I made poor decisions. And then I forgot or rather surpressed everything subconsciously until I got trigerred.
The positive part in this is that even though its hard to accept the reality, things are much clearer now for me. I can´t change the past but now I know why I suffered those symptomes and what I have to do now. I´m thankful to have my Therapist who helps me so much on how I can deal with my bpd and how to avoid such situations or rather to be able having a healthy relationship sometime.
#Recovery is not easy. There are some breakdowns that go with it. But I try to see the parts where I´m getting better and that motivates me to continue ✨
*I wasn´t in therapy during my relationship