innerdemons

Has anyone ever dreamt of the same thing over and over, night after night? Have you ever tried looking up what it means to have that same dream? You should…. I found mine to be rather interesting…
For the past several months I have been dreaming of a house I feel somewhat uncomfortable in. A home I have never seen before but I walk around it like it’s my own. Some nights, when I dream of this place, the house is huge & beautiful. But there are some nights I walk around and see huge holes in the walls, broken pipes, boxes beyond boxes piled up… and I never even have the urge to fix any of it… I just stare at it all and then try to find my way around the hospital, always feel lost… how weird, right? Every morning when I would wake up, it never fails, I’m upset, sad, angry just over emotional and it sometime makes for a long long day. I decided to look up different meanings of different dreams you have… let me tell you, when I read what my dream may possibly mean, I was blown away. The big house that’s kind of falling apart is a reflection of myself. Which means, even though I know I am struggling with my inner demons in the real world, these dreams are telling me, “Get your House in Order.”
I am slowly but surely trying to do just that.
#innerdemons #dreams #Anxiety #Depression

I’m so tired of living in my head
I don’t want to just survive
I want to be able to live
I try so freaking hard to be strong and to be happy
I feel stuck
Like I can’t get out
I want to start over
I don’t want to live in this fear anymore
I feel like I’m just a burden to everybody in my life tbh
I just want to be happy
Not feel like something is going to come and take it away
I want to find someone who will make me happy
Why is that so hard?
Why can’t I just let people in? It’s easier to push them away or tell them I’m fine
Why can’t people just try to understand me?
I’m a complicated puzzle
I miss feeling like somebody understood me
I could just be the real me
I ask myself why the hell I keep trying
I don’t know how to handle this
Everyone sees me as someone who is strong and always happy
But I’m really not
I’m fragile
I constantly fight a war in my head
I just want to be okay for once
Why is that so bad?
I don’t want to live in fear but I feel like I can’t escape my own freaking mind
#Poem #lonely #innerdemons #justwanttobeokay

Felt like enough is enough something has to be done, the way some healthcare professionals have spoke to me in unacceptable and completely unprofessional to the point where I'm starting to look at how I can make a complaint and take it further because I feel like very soon I might end up just another statistic where people sit and wonder what they could have done to help me, the signs of distress are clearly there, however just because I've never cut myself and I don't have visible scars doesn't mean I don't deserve the same level of treatment or respect that someone who cuts themselves gets, we all cope with distress and trauma differently, I've been made to feel osctrasisted from family because I was on the phone to try and get some information on how I complain, I was thrown out of my grans house because of this, he said they won't listen to you, your off your head, there probably sick seeing u but isn't it there job to try and help me, he said do u want the poor lassie sacked and of course that's not what I want but they need to know that where they intentionally do it or not that can judge me on my past presentation and speak to me in a way that makes me feel very belittled and makes the drive towards ending my life even stronger, when I came down to tell my mum this she also got on my case saying how I'm not the only person to have these thoughts and to suffer trauma never once have I ever said that I'm the only person in the whole of the world who feels like this, this again has made me spiral further downwards, she said she's been dealing with my feeling etc for years now and she's sick of it there nothing we can do and this has really hurt and upset me because even my family are now turning against me and saying to me aww u bring it on yourself, get a grip, your just doing it for attention etc this couldn't be further from the truth I really don't know where to turn to and I died in the next ten minutes Ive be so glad because I would have left this cruel cruel world, Ive gave it everything I have and I have no more fight left in me xxx

I just stumbled on to this amazing page. I am so glad to have found you all.
My name is Bec I have battled with #Depression and #Anxiety and whatever else the doctors felt like i had, since i can remember. My husband has only recently been diagnosed with his own mental health issues as well.
The first thing I did was tell him I will help him through it. I've been through it myself, i can help someone else for sure! Then it got me thinking about how we do deal with it. How we deal with our inner demons.
In my case, I learned to fight my demons early on. I was made to feel there was something wrong with me, that i could just "get over it" and i was "overreacting". So i learned to forge my own weapons to fight my demons. They were rusty at first, and failed at times. But over the last 3 decades, my armor is strong, my sword is sharp, my reflexes are on point. I have fought my demons, and can continue to fight them every time they come back.
But for others, Like my husband, they dont have their own weapons. They are unprepared for the demons, have no defense against them. Its all new to them, so they arent battle hardened. Like i am.
So those that are new to mental illness just need to borrow our weapons. The weapons we have forged over time. The weapons that have shaped us, and been with us through our battles.
I have passed my weapons on to my husband, and i watch on with pride while he battles his demons.

And now that i have found the rest of you, you are welcome to my Armory to borrow my weapons as well.
We are all here together, fighting the same fight. And I will do what i can to help anyone get through their fight, as i have done. I have lost friends in battle. I have lost friends that i didnt know were fighting. I cant bear to lose anyone else.
Please, if you need someone to talk to, just to listen, to be there and tell you that its gonna be ok and just be there for you, i am here for any of you that need it.

#Depression #Anxiety #innerdemons #fightingdepression #fighttogether