lossofalovedone

This quote above from the wounded genius Van Gogh... he speaks for so many of us I suppose. He certainly speaks for me. The passion, energy and enthusiasm that has marked my work - as a teacher, as a teacher trainer and resource person. Then my writings, my blogs and my photography. They all remain totally nowhere and in nobody’s cognition, consciousness. If at all, then in certain disdainment, dismissal and even contempt. But the soliloquies I continue with. I carry on. The desire to be vindicated, acknowledged becomes more acute when you are totally lonely. You have been hit and repeatedly assaulted by setbacks - personal and professional. Your sense of self worth and dignity has been violated. Yet you want to live, move on. You crave for some feel good sensation, some hope and meaning. Some twigs, shriveled leaves is all that come my way in the stream of misery I wade in and I latch on. That’s kept me alive so far. Yet if this wasn’t bad enough, people think I reek of self pity. Nothing can be more humiliating. Yes, the ‘I’ reigns... ego hurts and is squished. Is this Gods way of rendering a lesson - to negate the I in face of such grave misfortunes and thereby nullifying the pain, grief, sorrow and loneliness I’m assailed with? Such a discourse is given by many... today very such ego filled mortals who have had all the material fortunes and emotional comforts and barely have faced a fraction of the agony the traumatized go through serve such homilies. They are people benefited from all the positives life has accrued to their egoistic self. In effect I’m subject to another insult though such a discourse of seeming enlightened counsel but in effect is one of smug display of power by such faux Buddhas and neo-gurus with their glib sermons on art & engineering of living. I’m ordinary like many. I’m no outlier. Besides, I wonder what truly relieves ones loneliness? For me, a person who thrives only in network of love, of intimate kind... her presence to share my ‘being’, and in-turn share hers- her ‘being’ expressed in her bodily presence, her talk, her smell, her smiles, her hugs, her poise, her gaze... Friends can’t take that place. Your counselor certainly cannot. They can be helpful no doubt but are no antidote to loneliness. For people like me and I would imagine every human deserves that one amorous partner to be so around to care, to talk, to hold and more... and so mutually. Alas! Today her absence that could have so glued my shattered self is gone, beyond my reach! And I smolder consumed by loathing, craving, loss and grief! 😢 #Loneliness #lossofalovedone #cravingforlove #SuicidalThoughts #failedrelationships

My good ol’ Lucky also known as Chewbacca has passed. My lil shelter dog whom I refuse to keep tug at my heart strings. We went through a lot together. He was family dog until
One day when my own anxiety and sensitivity to noises caught me calming both us down . I realized we were both nuerotic and sensitive souls, but needed one another. He went everywhere with me and our walks were constant and soul searching. He made me more patient and he was so kind. He loved kids and senior citizens and especially when dad cooked- he liked the extras. We would sit in many places people watching and most always felt better around him. He wasn’t a cuddler and never would you find him on furniture, always obeying and yet would mad dash run away to search for whatever he felt he needed. I guess we were more alike than we thought. I will surely miss him and I can’t imagine my life, our lives without him, but I know he’s in peaceful sleep and we will meet again.
Last night I suffered intense migraine with all the symptoms that come with it. I felt his pain as he did mine.
He always was in tuned with my pain and would be patient with me on days it took us longer to get out. I knew his pain too and I’m grateful that God allowed him to take his last breath at home. Forever immensely appreciate this crazy terrier. Every day you have your pet.. cherish them. I did. 💕🌈
Lucky we were to have him. 😢 #loveyourpet

Well I've been dreading this month, this weekend, the day... I've tried to keep it pushed to the back of my mind, of course it doesn't stay there, it pops up throughout the day, it shows up in my dreams, nightmares . Monday would have been 25 years together . Man we had plans , things we would do now that she's retired, buy that RV, months of roadtrips, exploring, laughing and being together. I was robbed of that and all our plans, now I live with the "what if"... Alone wishing for nothing more than just one more day with her...💔😥
#lossofalovedone