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    Some advice

    Hi,
    I have been unsure as if to post this but I will try to see if anyone answers out of kindness.
    I believe I have some sort of autism or social-learning disabilities which Ive had most my life.
    Lately I’ve been making “social-mental” mistakes? In a social setting under pressure, where my minset is supposed to be “tough”, I have like “let up” and my mind has become “soft or weak”, thats the best way I can describe it.
    Its happened so many times lately , where I know I havent met social expectations of me and I know people have noticed based on how theyre treating me.
    I feel like Ive let people down and lost a lot of credibility, and perhaps social worth. Im worried about it, and what it means for my future.
    Its hard to talk about but out of kindness can anyone relate or offer any suggestions? Thanks very much 🙏🙏🙏
    #Autism #traumatic Brain Injury #Depression

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    The Pandemic caused me to be a hoarder and a slob

    #Anxiety #Depression #LymeWarrior #TraumaticBrainInjury #traumatic grief

    My house looks like a slob lives here. I have paperwork all over in every room. Just looking at it hurts my brain. I try and clean it up or organize it but I end up just moving papers in a different spot.

    I get into bed at night with trash on my bed. I have to move it all just to make room for myself. I lay there praying to God and asking why? Why did all those people have to die. I cry myself to sleep praying to see my loved ones that were taken since the pandemic started.

    I had just gotten my life back after a 14 year battle with co-infections from Lyme disease. I finally was leaving my house, seeing my friends, shopping. I had 9 months of somewhat of a life back then I was forced back into my house. Then in 2020 I got bit again and im back fighting for my life again. New symptoms to deal with. I grieve the life I had before.

    What I lost besides loved ones was myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. My first grandson was born during the lock down. I was able to see him 6 feet away 3 days after he was born. It was like I was looking at someone else’s grandchild not mine. I was not aloud to hold him because I can’t get a flu shot. The last one almost killed me.
    I found out later everyone was holding him except me. This was so hurtful and my son allowed it to happen. It started to become to painful for me to even go to see him. What was the point if I had to watch from 6 feet away. I still do not feel any connection to my grandson and that is my son’s fault. He is 2 years old now. We aren’t aloud to babysit him or take him anywhere by ourselves but her parents are. I pray to God I’m still alive when and if another grandchild comes.
    Funny thing I was aloud to hold my friend’s grandchild with no problem. When I was able to hold my grandson I was in a hazemat suit he was 8 weeks old. No one else had to wear one except me. Now that’s personal. I had 5 friends become grandmothers and they posted it on Facebook no one was wearing a mask or a haze mat suit. I’m not even aloud to show pictures of him to my friends because he’s not old enough to consent to it.

    I had to go into therapy because of this behavior which was personal and not due to the virus. At least that is what I was told by my therapist. My heart is still broken and it’s still beating but for what. ?

    This is not the way it was supposed to be. This is not the life I wanted or imagined. I am just existing.

    I know hoarding crafts that I will never make, jewelry I will never make it has to stop. A lot of stuff I bought most is now expired. Did I throw them away? Nope.

    I could keep writing about all I have lost but everyone has lost. So there is no point I guess. I did lose my Mom to the virus watched her die over zoom for 9 weeks. Then I found my best friend, my brother dead in his apartment. I think he was murdered but I can’t prove it. Now I deal with a fractured sternum and PTSD from that.

    Hoarding is caused by lost, trauma, stressful life events, a brain dysfunction. I’m not putting anymore labels on myself. I just wish I could stop it. I wish I could afford someone to help me get organized as I no longer can do that. I can’t afford much of anything. I sell things to make money but it’s not enough. I’m too sick for a real 9-5 job. I do have a on line wholesale shopping club with weight loss products but that’s still not enough. I’m worrying myself to death literally.. I need extensive dental work due to lyme. I was scammed out of my savings for that. More loss. It effects me emotionally, physically, mentally.

    I’m just rambling now it’s late here and my brain is tired. Im actually getting tired of living because it’s just so damn hard. I’ll write some more later. Thanks for reading this post. Since 2019 I lost 27 friends and family. Isn’t that enough???
    #LymeWarrior #PTSD #LivingWithPOTS #PudendalNeuralgia #ChildhoodAbuse
    #BrainInjury
    #MemoryLoss

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    Mufasa knows...

    This is my handsome dog, Mufasa! He sits next to me when he's needing some love. However, when my anxiety fires up, he knows I need some love. 💜 #MightyPets #ChildLoss #SuicideLoss #Depression #traumatic grief

    Post

    Trauma and friend issues

    Got a bit of a heavy issue.. I've endured some heavy traumatic stuff especially over the past couple years.. And when times get tough, I retreat into my shell.. I don't talk to anybody, possibly for fear of rejection or being a burden.
    Well with a couple of recent traumas when reaching out to a particular friend, I wasn't greeted with such a warm welcome. He is also a friend of one of the people I was in a traumatic situation with. I feel he didn't believe/want to understand the situation, as a result wasn't supportive. I then went through an S-assault about a year later, and didn't really get any emotional supportive response through that either.
    So for a good while I decided to not keep contact.
    Fast forward to recent months I've gotten back in contact with him, and still not so warm welcoming.
    I try to explain that I turn into a hermit when things get tough and it's nothing personal on us as friends..
    But his response was basically that I've been a shit friend and i need to step it up.

    There's been no understanding from my perspective of post traumatic stress, depression, reliance on substance..
    I know I've been a shit friend to a few people.. But my other friends have been pretty understanding when I apologise and explain.

    This situation has also been rewinding my brain to some horrible experiences meanwhile too..

    I'd just like to see if anyone has been through something similar and how they've approached it..

    Much love xoxo
    #Trauma #traumatic #Depression #PTSD #Friendship #friend

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    I’m so glad to finally be back after the most #traumatic year!

    I have been a contributor for some time and I can’t believe I’ve only written two articles! I have had #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis for 12 years, I am severely affected - housebound and bed/sofa bound. I developed #Gastroparesis 5 years ago. I used to be a regular figure in the M.E community (you might know me from my books!) but when my husband and I started our own business around 2019 all of my energy was put into that. So much has happened. In April 2021 I was diagnosed with #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder then two days later my brother broke my heart by walking out of my life, choosing to believe his girlfriend (who has previous!) over his big sister who he always said was his second Mum. This ripped my world apart. The shock… the disbelief.. because as siblings we were so close. I couldn’t have imagined it in a million years. Long story short I fell into a deep depression, for about 3-4 months. Wasn’t working, wasn’t really even living. All of this on top of #SevereME is a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone. My husband and I lost a lot that year. We are still picking up the pieces. I I have been a contributor for some time and I can’t believe I’ve only written two articles! I have had #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis for 12 years, I am severely affected - housebound and bed/sofa bound. I developed #Gastroparesis 5 years ago. I used to be a regular figure in the M.E community (you might know me from my books!) but when my husband and I started our own business around 2019 all of my energy was put into that. So much has happened. In April 2021 I was diagnosed with #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder then two days later my brother broke my heart by walking out of my life, choosing to believe his girlfriend (who has previous!) over his big sister who he always said was his second Mum. This ripped my world apart. The shock… the disbelief.. because as siblings we were so close. I couldn’t have imagined it in a million years. Long story short I fell into a deep depression, for about 3-4 months. Wasn’t working, wasn’t really even living. All of this on top of #SevereME is a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone. My husband and I lost a lot that year. We are still picking up the pieces. I deteriorated significantly with my #CognitiveIssues & #mobility and I won’t lie, I’m a mess. After coming out of a 6 month long #Gastroparesis flare I can now try and get the help I need. Anyways that was a super long essay but I can’t wait to write another article, and having been away from #Spoonie friends for so long, I forget that there are people who care. Sending love and hugs to anyone who needs it right now. Hay xxxxxx

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    Coping with grief . Goodbye Schwarzy

    It’s been sometime since I last been here. I was feeling good and was taking a break from medicines too. Then she came into my life quite unexpectedly. It was previous Wednesday evening. She looked to be about 2 weeks old. Her mother had passed away and she was alone, starving and frightened when I first met her. It was only a week ago. When I brought her home my mother instantly commented on how frail she looked and how on edge of life she is. But she responded to my care very well and in two days started to drink copious amount of milk,started to walk a bit started to purr and meow. But suddenly yesterday she seemed a bit down. Did not show usual enthusiasm when morning came. By evening she had stopped drinking her milk and by night started to produce this teensy sound of distress. So I bundled her up and kept near me. I rocked like a baby and when I felt she started to sleep I put her on the make shift bed made of my fleece blanket. I made sure she is at my arm’s length so that if she wakes up and want to drink milk I can wake up. But instead due to some nightmare I woke up around 2:30 today morning to find her cold. If I got her age right she left this world just 3 weeks old. Still I held her in my arms rocking hoping that like in those miraculous stories she would come back to life if I kept her close enough and give her warmth enough. But we had to bury her this morning because unlike in those stories she didn’t come back to me. This photo is the only one I have of her. I still have not stopped crying. I am putting this story because I want to make sure that she won’t be forgotten. Tomorrow I am going to see psychiatrist for medicine. #traumatic grief #Cat

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    Know you are loved...

    #MentalHealth
    I woke up this morning wondering what I’m doing here.
    #Life ? #Love ? #Giving ? #Understanding ? What?? I asked myself..
    ALL of the above! ( I heard myself)

    We have a #Choice .
    Live with memories of #traumatic childhoods,
    Or
    #live with a #Determination of #yes ! #They can’t hurt me anymore! The past is over...let’s get on with healing..

    #freedom is ours, it’s always knocking to come home,
    Turn the key friend, OPEN THE DOOR!
    Your #heart is still #lovingly beating for you. For you #preious One...
    They never managed to take your #heart
    For many winters, you’ve survived with a #Broken heart- yes
    Now, come out, open the door, and #listen to the #Birds
    Listen to your heart
    Know you are loved.

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    #MissingYouForever

    I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day. I was 9 yo when my both my Grandparents were killed in a car accident on that day. I have very vivid memories of that night/day. It still pains me to this day almost 30 years later. I will always miss them. I will always love them.

    My parents have tried to make Valentine’s Day special and not so sad, but I cannot shake the grief I feel when this day approaches.

    I will take it easy today, cuddle my kitties and try to do something I enjoy - try to remember the fun and loving times we had together. I do want to wish all my Mighties love & peace forever 💕

    #Grief #traumatic grief #Missingyou #Memories #CPTSD

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    Suicide and lost dreams #Suicide #traumatic grief #Grief

    Korbyn 2021
    I miss you my son
    Broken bones and broken dreams a mind lost in a fog
    A desperate yearning for truth
    I miss you my love
    Questions of what could have been
    Fractured dreams
    Burnt hope
    I miss you my light
    Necrotic heart
    Neuropathy to my soul
    I miss you my child
    My first born
    My pride
    My bright star
    Darkness in your eyes
    Dimness in my future
    I miss you my sweet boy
    Skinned knees and festering thorns
    Family trees splintered and root rot
    I miss you my son
    Vacant plates at the dinner table
    One seat belt unused in the car
    Dusty trails
    Windy nights
    The smell of Spring
    Winter burning my cheeks
    I miss you my son
    My reason for living
    My passion for life
    The fire that lit the way
    I see your you in the night sky and the morning sunrise
    I see you in the Sunset and the ocean’s rage
    I see you in your nephew’s eyes
    I feel you in the warmth of a camp fire
    I hear you in my dreams
    And I wait patiently to hold you again

    #adolescent suicide #Depression

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    It’s Ok to not Feel Like Celebrating the Holidays

    Empath Health bereavement counselor Dwight Douglass offers these three simple tips:
    1. Take control of the holiday or the New Year, so it doesn’t control you.
    2. It takes more energy trying to avoid a holiday or planning for the New Year than actually creating a plan for how you wish to honor your loved one(s).
    3. It’s O.K. to not feel like celebrating a holiday, but it’s important to find a way to honor it so you can still feel connected to your loved one(s).
    Additionally, here are 10 things from AARP you can try:
    1. Only do what feels right. It’s up to you to decide which activities, traditions or events you can handle.
    2. Accept your feelings – whatever they might be. Everyone takes his or her own path in grief and mourning.
    3. Call on your family and friends. Talk with loved ones about your emotions.
    4. Focus on the kids. Many holidays place special attention on children, and it often helps to focus on their needs.
    5. Plan ahead.…Create comforting activities in the weeks approaching a holiday so that you have something to look forward to rather than building up a dread of the pain the holiday could bring.
    6. Scale back. If the thought of many holiday activities feels painful, overwhelming or inappropriate this year, cutting back may help.
    7. Give. It’s amazing how in times of grief, sometimes the biggest comfort is to give to others.
    8. Acknowledge those who have passed on. When we are grieving a loss of someone very close to us, it can be helpful to participate in a related holiday ritual in his or her memory.
    9. Do something different.… Plan new activities, especially the first year after the loss.
    10. Skip it. If you feel that it will be too much for you and you’d like to simply opt out of participation in a holiday, let family and friends know.
    #Grief #Loss #lossofalovedone #traumatic grief #HolidayTips #Selfcare #coping #Wintersolstice #Kwanzaa #Christmas #Hanukkah #Family