Mania

Does anyone else suffer from bipolar mixed mania? A psychiatrist explained it to me during one of my hospitalizations. It’s also known as agitated depression. I am extremely irritated. It started yesterday, when my son asked for help with disability paperwork. I kept snapping, apologizing, then snapping again. I felt like breaking things. To be clear, there’s nothing going on to make me this way. It’s all internal. My husband was sharing some really interesting information with me this morning. But in my brain, I felt like he was shouting and I wished he would shut up. I don’t want this. I don’t like myself this way.

Yesterday, I painted and wrote a poem that I posted here. But I can’t be creative every day. Any advice?

#Bipolar #Mixed mania

So I met with a new psychiatrist on Friday thinking I would get a diagnosis of ADHD for my continued difficulties with impulsivity and inability to focus. For context, I’ve been in talk therapy or counseling for the last 20 plus years off and on. I’ve gotten diagnosed with a host of disorders but they didn’t seem to cover my issues as I felt they should. Fast forward to Friday, and the therapist keeps asking, harping if you will, on the cyclic nature of my anxiety and depression. I’m fully expecting him to agree with my self confirmed diagnosis only to have my socks knocked off with a bipolar spectrum disorder. He provides me with a link to articles supporting what he said and lo and behold, it looks like me…all wrapped up and neatly packaged. Looks like after all these years I finally may have an answer to what’s going on with me. #Cyclothymic #bipolarity #BipolarAdjacent #Answers #MoodDisorders #BipiolarSpectrumDisorder

Update: parents suggested a second opinion. I did this on Thursday. The doctor reminded me that it had been suggested that I had manic depression. I had shared this several years prior as part of my intake. She also said that some anti depressants can make bipolarity worse and I’d experienced that but myself or the doctor had not put it together. She asked if I had ever had a instance where I wasn’t speaking to a family member because I was angry at them. She asked if I had ever had spells where I didn’t sleep and had lots of anxiety as a result. Then she told me that black and brown women tend to present mania differently than typical. I’m gonna have more extensive testing done to confirm bipolar spectrum. Yet all signs seem to point to yes.

I have schizoaffective disorder, adjustment disorder and borderline personality disorder. Without my meds I'm depressed, paranoid, manic, and I hear screaming in my head. Between the ages of 5 to 35 I attempted suicide 24 times and I was hospitalized inpatient 8 times and I lost count of how many times I went to a non hospital treatment facility. I've got scars on both ankles where I scraped and gouged my fingernails until I hit bone when I was manic.

My reality is not pretty. But since January of 2020 I've been the most stable and happy I've ever been. I've got a clear mind. I don't have constant suicidality. I don't self harm. But the last week before the next dose of my meds is rough. My depression creeps back in, the paranoia, the manic episodes.

And when I get a new diagnosis, I spend weeks researching. I'll spend hours, and when I'm hungry or need to go potty I tell myself "10 more minutes.." and the next thing you know an hour has gone by.

It's not just depression. My mom doesn't believe that I have these disorders. And she's so judgemental. My friends want me to cut ties but then I'd have no family. I try my best to establish healthy boundaries. I do my best. But my day to day is a nightmare. I just wish people understood.

#SchizoaffectiveDisorder

Is this the way I’m meant to feel? Dosed up on happy pills and mind altering drugs. Am I an addict now because I have to take them everyday? It’s explained as being a dependence rather than a addiction. But I have to take these pills every single day, morning and night. Addiction is marked by a change in behaviour caused by the biochemical changes in the brain. Isn’t this what my medication is doing to me? Dependence is characterised by the symptoms of tolerance (the capacity to endure continued subjection to something such as a drug without adverse reaction) and withdrawal (by firstly developing a form of drug dependence. This may occur as physical dependence, psychological dependence, or both). While it is possible to have a physical dependence without being addicted, addiction is usually right around the corner.

If I miss taking my medication for a day I can feel the change in my mood. If I decided to stop taking them completely then I shudder to think of the actions I would get up to. I fear that I wouldn’t be able to function without them, be a confused and anxious person who would be at 6’s and 7’s with life. My Bipolar Disorder would become unbearable for me and I would have trouble with coping with the mania and depression. Further to this, I would put unnecessary stress onto my parents and friends. I wouldn’t be great to be around for anyone. This is only me surmising however based on the information I have been given from my Health Professionals. The only thing is that these treatments don’t put you back together as you originally were. You are remodelled, your brain chemistry altered by drug after drug after drug to become someone that looks like you, but really isn’t you.

#Medication #MightyTogether