I have been manic for a long, long while. It all started with me witnessing a suicide 53 days ago. I was on my was to work and when I was about halfway there, I saw someone falling off a bridge just as their body hit the ground. I let out a gasp and my son asked what was wrong. I played it off and told him it was just a bird. I didn't want to alarm him. He laughed it off and agreed. I was shocked and my first instinct was to text my best friend, husband and my team. I was shaking, second-guessing what I saw and driving erratically. When I got to school (I am a kindergarten teacher), I convinced myself that I could work. I tried to keep my emotions in check. I convinced myself I was fine until my best friend came in to check on me, gave me a hug and brought me an energy drink. That's when I felt the first sign of emotion start to leak out. When she left, I could feel the nerves slowly starting to hit me. I continued to try and tell myself everything was going to be okay and that I could make it through the day. But once the bell rang and the kids started to swarm in, my eyes welled up and I immediately knew I was not going to make it. I told my co-teacher I needed to go to the bathroom. I ran to the bathroom and started to lose it. During this time, I texted some close friends and told them I was losing it. My co-teacher called our principal at this time because she worried about me without my knowledge. When I finally thought I calmed down enough, I made my way outside and my principal was outside waiting. She tried to console me but I could not stand the thought of being hugged and dodged her hugs. We eventually made it to the office where one of the office ladies sat with me until husband came. The next two days were a blur. I stayed in bed, slept and watched a lot of scary movies and ate a ton of junk food.
A little before I started Vrylar, I remember my mania started. It started with the impulsive purchases for the house like the expensive fan (over $100), then the air fryer AND microwave at the same. Curtains (that I didn't need) nightlights that I didn't need), curtain rods (that I didn't need), random subscriptions and so much more. This started around mid February, right after witnessing the suicide and has continued to now. The mania started small which is normal for me and when I got on Vraylar on 4/25, it has gotten more extreme. Some extreme things I have done are deciding one morning that I wanted a tattoo and in a matter of a few hours going to get one. Deciding one day that I wanted to color my hair then booking an appointment for the same day (this was in the same week) It has gotten to to the point that I am so erratic, I sometimes don't even know myself anymore and that other people have taken notice. Some people have said I am more hyper than usual and another said that they have noticed that I am stressed. It makes me embarrassed to think that despite me trying to put out a happy and jolly front, people can see right through me. I am worried that I will get admitted soon. My psychiatrist is seeing me every 3 days and has mentioned bringing my husband into my care...
Sorry for the long post.... It's just been a really long bout of mania and I feel like absolute crap. I want to get better and I hope that I am coming out of the mania now... #Bipolar2