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Being depressed while being a mum - I just want to be normal and fine

Not wanting to be here.
This being a near constant
An, every other day feeling
What’s the point?
What’s the point of trying to put into words?
So when I’m not here, my son can know..
It was nothing to do with him.
It was everything to do with this plague, this cancer, this curse.
I worry that all my wishings to not be here will actually take me away from him sooner than he can cope. And I can’t bear to think of him suffering because of me. I can’t bear to think of him feeling alone in this world. Wanting me. Wondering.
I am sitting here breastfeeding him. Hating myself for these thoughts. Worrying they are somehow passing onto him. Wanting to stop breastfeeding in every moment, just get him off me for fear of him “picking” this up. Trying to think of other things but these are not just thoughts. This is feeling. This is embodied. Me. I can’t get away from it. Nothing else feels quite as real or familiar anymore. The thought of wanting to put him down upsets me because I know one day we won’t be here. Never being this close to have him feed at my breast and I resent myself for wanting to stop. But my back also hurts and I feel so frustrated!

I hate who I am these days. I hate who I’ve become. Always moaning. Always annoyed. Always on the edge of pissed offness. Always tired. Exhausted. Not wanting to be here. All the time. Can’t be bothered. Don’t care. Caring too much. I don’t know. Doubting myself. Criticising myself. Criticising others. Tired. So tired. Always tired. Feeling weak. Pathetic. Miserable. Then, when I have come away from being with others, how fake I feel. They see the best mum ever. They see a positive, inspiring, encouraging, nurturing, caring friend. They see lovely, so lovely, so kind, considerate and thoughtful. Because I am. I know I am those things aswell but I feel like that’s me only 20% of the time now.

With my son I know I am so patient, kind, loving, nurturing, everything good in me most of the time. It’s as soon as he goes down for a nap and I curl up on the sofa I let a little bit of the heaviness out. Within minutes of my partner being home and having a go at him because I am genuinely so irritated. I sit on the floor and play with my son and I’m only physically there. Inside I am sad. I stare at his face and feel a sense of wonder. I watch him and feel awe. He comes over to me and I feel love. This is why I could watch him all day. This is why I record him so much. Because he is the only thing I feel genuine joy at these days. So why do I feel so bad when I am with him all day and I do get to watch him all day. Because of me and my lack of energy and my moods and how I FEEL inside. Having to do housework. Having to leave the house. Having to do things just feels like such an inconvininece to me all of the time.

This is obviously severe/chronic depression and in some ways I think I accept it but for the most part I don’t and can’t. It feels too unfair and I don’t want to accept this is my reality and will be my reality for the rest of my life. I don’t want to have to take a hundred supplements a day and be radical in getting exercise and diet just to maintain a balanced-ish way of being. I just want to be normal and fine.

#Depression #PostnatalDepression #PostpartumDepression #motherood #MentalHealth #Breastfeeding #Trapped #Parentingwithdepression #overwhelmed #SuicideIdeation #fedup #sad #melancholy

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Small comforts

Despite things going generally well this week, I feel so off. I just want to constantly engage in activities that comfort me and while that may make me feel great in the moment, I don’t feel like i’m getting a whole lot done. I have been getting things done but not working or going to school makes me feel so useless. I haven’t been working out much because of a hand injury that i’m waiting on to heal and that definitely doesn’t help out with the lack of energy. I guess maybe it feels like im just going through the motions. I dont feel sad, but I definitely dont feel energetic and excited. So today i’m finding comfort in whatever I can, like this cup of coffee, or christmas baking shows, or crafting. What do you do when you feel this way? I’d love some advice. #tired #Depression #Anxiety #BrainFog #SeasonalAffectiveDisorder #melancholy



I’m really struggling with the meaning of everything lately. The pointlessness of it all.
I struggle with the idea of how someone can be born, work their whole life to create something and then just end.

What is the point of it all if at the end I’m not even me anymore. The body that I had to work with just ends up failing and being put in the ground or burnt up and stored in a jar, or tossed to the wind. #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #melancholy

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I’ve been really melancholy this week. Now I am to the point where I’m “meh” about everything. I decided that instead of going home, watching a little tv, and going to bed by 9 like I have this whole week, I’m pulling me and my husband out of the house after dinner. I just feel like I can’t be by myself but I want to be left alone. Trying to get out of this episode is proving to be super draining. #Depression #Anxiety #melancholy #Meh


Okay, so here is some poetry I’ve wrote due to no sleep...


What have I done to deserve to punish myself?

What have I done wrong in all our faults and flaws before me?

What makes me human and the human to be?

If I could hold the world up
Just for you to see
Would you love me?

Am I not worthy of your affection?
Am I just a paradigm in your eyes?

Do you wish to see more of me?
Do you wish to caress my body?
Am I laying here, beside you right now?
Do you feel the pain as we touch... Now it’s lost?

Do you feel a sense of guilt run down your spine?
Are you conflicted with your inner circle of trust?

Do you feed off those lies?
Do you feel resented?
Do you not pity yourself?

How is it suppose to feel?
How is it suppose to feel from what we were not taught?

From the inside
We hide, we hide...

Are we but not loved by mere strangers just looking across?

Or are we all those beacons of hope we can trust?

Are we not but the saviours of ourselves, that carry the world up, because we know where we belong?

Do you feel belonged?

Maybe, just for a moment, we will sing our songs
In great harmony
In the circle we trust

Where we belong

I belong
#MightyPoets #Autism #ADHD #PTSD #Depression #Anxiety #BPD #Addiction #abandonment #Unity #belonging #melancholy


#MentalHealth #melancholy #globalwarming

Maybe I watch the news too much. Is there anyone out there who is terrified of global warming?  I don't think I want to live in a world this messed up.  Why does it matter what I do, as an individual, when there all these atrocities happening around the world?  What is it all for?  My heart breaks reading about how climate change is affecting the animal kingdom, and I think that humans are the worst species on the planet.  All we do is create waste, wreak havoc, and pollute everything around us.  We are such an abusive species.   It just doesn't give me much hope...