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Being depressed while being a mum - I just want to be normal and fine

Not wanting to be here.
This being a near constant
An, every other day feeling
Repeating
Overwhelming
Underwhelming
What’s the point?
What’s the point of trying to put into words?
So when I’m not here, my son can know..
It was nothing to do with him.
It was everything to do with this plague, this cancer, this curse.
I worry that all my wishings to not be here will actually take me away from him sooner than he can cope. And I can’t bear to think of him suffering because of me. I can’t bear to think of him feeling alone in this world. Wanting me. Wondering.
I am sitting here breastfeeding him. Hating myself for these thoughts. Worrying they are somehow passing onto him. Wanting to stop breastfeeding in every moment, just get him off me for fear of him “picking” this up. Trying to think of other things but these are not just thoughts. This is feeling. This is embodied. Me. I can’t get away from it. Nothing else feels quite as real or familiar anymore. The thought of wanting to put him down upsets me because I know one day we won’t be here. Never being this close to have him feed at my breast and I resent myself for wanting to stop. But my back also hurts and I feel so frustrated!

I hate who I am these days. I hate who I’ve become. Always moaning. Always annoyed. Always on the edge of pissed offness. Always tired. Exhausted. Not wanting to be here. All the time. Can’t be bothered. Don’t care. Caring too much. I don’t know. Doubting myself. Criticising myself. Criticising others. Tired. So tired. Always tired. Feeling weak. Pathetic. Miserable. Then, when I have come away from being with others, how fake I feel. They see the best mum ever. They see a positive, inspiring, encouraging, nurturing, caring friend. They see lovely, so lovely, so kind, considerate and thoughtful. Because I am. I know I am those things aswell but I feel like that’s me only 20% of the time now.

With my son I know I am so patient, kind, loving, nurturing, everything good in me most of the time. It’s as soon as he goes down for a nap and I curl up on the sofa I let a little bit of the heaviness out. Within minutes of my partner being home and having a go at him because I am genuinely so irritated. I sit on the floor and play with my son and I’m only physically there. Inside I am sad. I stare at his face and feel a sense of wonder. I watch him and feel awe. He comes over to me and I feel love. This is why I could watch him all day. This is why I record him so much. Because he is the only thing I feel genuine joy at these days. So why do I feel so bad when I am with him all day and I do get to watch him all day. Because of me and my lack of energy and my moods and how I FEEL inside. Having to do housework. Having to leave the house. Having to do things just feels like such an inconvininece to me all of the time.

This is obviously severe/chronic depression and in some ways I think I accept it but for the most part I don’t and can’t. It feels too unfair and I don’t want to accept this is my reality and will be my reality for the rest of my life. I don’t want to have to take a hundred supplements a day and be radical in getting exercise and diet just to maintain a balanced-ish way of being. I just want to be normal and fine.

#Depression #PostnatalDepression #PostpartumDepression #motherood #MentalHealth #Breastfeeding #Trapped #Parentingwithdepression #overwhelmed #SuicideIdeation #fedup #sad #melancholy

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Parenting

So my baby had a tongue tie which made breast feeding difficult so I had to stop. But I wanted to still give him breast milk so I started pumping milk. Sadly I wasn’t able to do it enough during the day and my milk has dried up ☹️
I’m trying not to let it bother me but I feel this is one thing that makes being a mother special as it’s the only thing I can provide that others can’t and I know breast is best.
I know he will be okay with formula but can’t help but feel a bit disappointed #GeneralParenting #Breastfeeding #Anxiety #Depression

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Postpartum and Bipolar...So many years & Meds I feel done with trying treatment... #BipolarDepression #postpartum #Breastfeeding

It’s not a common issue I’m sure. It’s frustrating I was doing well postpartum after my first child but then did poorly the second postpartum it wasn’t great and I was debating stopping nursing so I could get on meds. Covid and another pregnancy later and now I’m postpartum again and just feel guilty about stopping nursing to get on meds. I also feel it’s unfair that I can’t nurse and be on meds for bipolar. I sometimes feel like even if I get back on meds it’s not going to help. I’ve been on meds since I was 16 I’m almost 32 and have been on so many different meds and dealt with so many Horrible side effects like weight gain and worsening mental health. I’m angry by never feeling happy and always waiting for the depression to come back worse with small hypomania periods... Anyone tired by their mental illnesses? I know we must fight but it’s so hard at times. I feel bad I’m not a happy mom for my kids. #MomGuilt #Bipolar2Disorder #BipolarDepression #postpartum

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Want my old meds back

I'm like... 8 weeks postpartum, and despite getting more and more depressed, my psychiatrist doesn't want to put me on anything but Zoloft since I'm breastfeeding. She keeps upping the dose, but I'm starting to think she's not ever going to be willing to put me back on the meds I was taking pre-pregnancy. Starting to get frustrated. I want to keep breastfeeding, but I also have read several places that say all of my old meds (Pristiq, Seroquel, Trileptal) are equally safe. Not sure what to do.
#Depression #Breastfeeding #PostpartumDepression

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Any advice? #BPD #Motherhood #Breastfeeding

Hey, so I've been struggling a lot with my newborn baby girl... She's the world to me but I get so frustrated when I try to breastfeed her because sometimes she can't get a good hold so she ends up crying a lot because of her frustration and I get SO frustrated as well... I've had to ask my husband for help, I extract the milk and he gives it to her in a baby bottle. And what it's kind of driving me nuts is that I feel like a terrible mother because I'm having such a hard time dealing with my frustration and I can't seem to help my girl so she can actually breastfeed :(

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#Breastfeeding #PostnatalDepression #tired #Mumof3 #Anxiety

My children are 10, 7, and 7 months old.
This time around, my labour was so quick that I gave birth to my son on our lounge room floor. (Saving that story for a separate post).
I breast-fed from the moment he was born. I really love breastfeeding, I love the skin to skin contact, I love the sense of fulfillment of being able to provide what my baby needs, and I'm not going to lie, it's nice to feel needed. And it's a weird feeling of accomplishment or contentment when they're full and they let the nipple fall from their mouth, then they cozy in on your breast for a pillow.
Now that I have expressed my emotional attachment to breast feeding, I am going to share how I feel since he has started eating. Zion is 7 months old now and has been eating for a while now, so our feeding times are down to 3 a day. I'm losing my little baby as he becomes more independent, because of course he has to catch up with his older sisters.
Last week sometime, for his bed time feed;
He emptied my left breast, we changed to the right. When it was drained he was slapping my chest getting frustrated. My heart sank. His appetite is changing and my milk isn't filling him. My husband and I decided to give him a bottle. And from then on, the routine has changed. Our eldest gives him a bottle and a burb and a cuddle until he's really sleepy. Then I will take him for a feed on one breast in the rocking chair, then dad takes him for a burp and a cuddle. Then I'll take him to my bed to lay down for the last feed and put him to sleep.
I'm feeling sad that he's growing so fast.... Hahahaha
Might be my last bubba so I'm trying to savour every moment

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Psoriatic arthritis and breastfeeding friendly meds? #PsoriaticArthritis #Breastfeeding #Medication #Fibromyalgia #autoimmune #RheumatoidArthritis

My rheumatologist wants me to start methotrexate. My 2 year old is nursing (no judgement, we are both happy with this) and we are struggling weaning. Anyone else take meds for arthritis while nursing? What did you take? Methotrexate is out completely.

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Any moms out there who had to stop breastfeeding to take antidepressants/anti anxiety meds?

How did you do it? I am facing the situation right now. I have been breastfeeding my child for the past 14 months when I have had my depression and anxiety under control. However for the past month Ive been experiencing terrible panic attacks so my doctor prescribed meds. Now i have to stop bfeeding but finding it so hard to do so. Baby always wants to bfeed whenever she sees me. She also bfeeds to help her sleep at night. #Depression #Anxiety #Breastfeeding #Medication

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Breastfeeding PT. 2 #Breastfeeding #Bipolar

I probably experienced the most anxiety regarding feeding, and worked the hardest to get Daisy to breastfeed.  Daisy was born at 34 weeks, 6 weeks premature. Daisy was a NICU baby. I had to fight hard, more with the nurses than the doctors, with my insistence that she not be bottle fed, as my experience with Lily in the NICU, I believe led Lily to prefer bottles and tanked our attempt to breastfeed.  I was pumping around the clock for Daisy and the hospital was storing and even for a while adding calories to my milk to grow Daisy. Daisy was in the hospital for 3 weeks after birth. I ended up staying with her round the clock because I really wanted her to be breastfed. Premature babies have a difficult time breastfeeding simply because they are so small.  Their mouths sometimes aren’t big enough for a proper latch and once they start sucking they tire out very easily meaning they don’t consume large enough amounts. In a way it was a bit of a blessing that Daisy was in the hospital those first 3 weeks. I don’t think I could have devoted as much of my undivided attention with also having to attend to the needs of Lily and Eliza.  I am grateful to all the help I had at this time to get through from my family. Daisy came home in mid-December. I worked day and night to pump and put her on the breast to encourage breastfeeding. Sleep was once again an important issue. I was consistent in timing my pumping to ensure that I received my four hour minimum.
Luckily Daisy was like Lily and liked to sleep longer than four hours.  I continued to give bottles to Daisy at home until Christmas. From Christmas day onward she was exclusively breastfed.  After Daisy got used to the breast she never took a bottle again, at least not from me. We began solid foods at six months and Daisy is now fifteen months and I am preparing myself to wean her.  She drinks water from a straw water bottle and eats whatever we eat. She didn’t get teeth until after she was 12 months but now that she has them she has begun biting my left breast. I am ready to be done.  It’s bittersweet as she is our last baby/toddler and I will never again share that bonding time that is so explicit in breastfeeding.
Daisy was sleep trained at 8 months so I began to sleep through the night again.  I couldn’t do what I do without my sleep. Most nights I put myself to bed not long after I put the girls down at 7pm. My target is 8 hours every night and I have been consistent at reaching that goal.  It is one of the biggest reasons I feel my mental health has been stable, I cannot emphasize enough how much taking care of myself first really allows me to be a much better mother.

This has been my journey breastfeeding my  girls. I am happy that I was able to double the time with each girl, Lily 4 months, Eliza 8 months and Daisy 16 months.  Breastfeeding is hard, especially in the beginning, because you are solely responsible for feeding your baby and sleep becomes secondary.  Nonetheless I can attest