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Hell On Wheels

I'm so just done with my home life. My mother and I aren't on speaking terms because of how she has been acting and she keeps trying to talk to me and I'm shutting her down because she is blaming me for the whole situation. I have a handful of people who care and believe me and no one else. I keep getting told by everyone to communicate but I keep trying to and I get shut down. What else can I do? I have been suicidal for four days due to my lack of support and dysfunctional parents. I have a cherry on top too! I'm sick and my therapist canceled our appointment today. #LGBTQIA #lonely #Trapped #Suicide #Parents

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Saying goodbye#greif #coping #Trapped

My cousin had decided to start end of life care.He was the youngest boy of a dozen grandchildren for many years,till one more boy came.His name,Mark.His older brother John.They lived on a farm,in the country,with alot of land.They were adventurous,smart and well mannered.They had girl cousins,alot of them.We all went together in groups of two or Aunt and Uncle always had a set staying over.We giggled and played,giggled and whispered.Always plotting to play and stay longer.We had secrets amongst eachother.Hide n seek,freeze tag,truth or dare,Marco polo,climbing trees,making forts,cowboys and indians,Jail.Finding bugs,dead stuff and killing some stuff.Hot wheels,dinosaurs,Star Wars,E.T.. and that was before puberty struck.We all went different ways for a bit.
I was lucky to vacation with grateful every day for the time with you,Mark.I was able to know you as a young man,not only the little boy.We kept Grandma up that night,us talking.You are, too strong for isn't fair.You can stop and breath.Say the things you need to say.We are all going to be together again,I beleive is all in what You believe Mark.We love you.

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Being depressed while being a mum - I just want to be normal and fine

Not wanting to be here.
This being a near constant
An, every other day feeling
What’s the point?
What’s the point of trying to put into words?
So when I’m not here, my son can know..
It was nothing to do with him.
It was everything to do with this plague, this cancer, this curse.
I worry that all my wishings to not be here will actually take me away from him sooner than he can cope. And I can’t bear to think of him suffering because of me. I can’t bear to think of him feeling alone in this world. Wanting me. Wondering.
I am sitting here breastfeeding him. Hating myself for these thoughts. Worrying they are somehow passing onto him. Wanting to stop breastfeeding in every moment, just get him off me for fear of him “picking” this up. Trying to think of other things but these are not just thoughts. This is feeling. This is embodied. Me. I can’t get away from it. Nothing else feels quite as real or familiar anymore. The thought of wanting to put him down upsets me because I know one day we won’t be here. Never being this close to have him feed at my breast and I resent myself for wanting to stop. But my back also hurts and I feel so frustrated!

I hate who I am these days. I hate who I’ve become. Always moaning. Always annoyed. Always on the edge of pissed offness. Always tired. Exhausted. Not wanting to be here. All the time. Can’t be bothered. Don’t care. Caring too much. I don’t know. Doubting myself. Criticising myself. Criticising others. Tired. So tired. Always tired. Feeling weak. Pathetic. Miserable. Then, when I have come away from being with others, how fake I feel. They see the best mum ever. They see a positive, inspiring, encouraging, nurturing, caring friend. They see lovely, so lovely, so kind, considerate and thoughtful. Because I am. I know I am those things aswell but I feel like that’s me only 20% of the time now.

With my son I know I am so patient, kind, loving, nurturing, everything good in me most of the time. It’s as soon as he goes down for a nap and I curl up on the sofa I let a little bit of the heaviness out. Within minutes of my partner being home and having a go at him because I am genuinely so irritated. I sit on the floor and play with my son and I’m only physically there. Inside I am sad. I stare at his face and feel a sense of wonder. I watch him and feel awe. He comes over to me and I feel love. This is why I could watch him all day. This is why I record him so much. Because he is the only thing I feel genuine joy at these days. So why do I feel so bad when I am with him all day and I do get to watch him all day. Because of me and my lack of energy and my moods and how I FEEL inside. Having to do housework. Having to leave the house. Having to do things just feels like such an inconvininece to me all of the time.

This is obviously severe/chronic depression and in some ways I think I accept it but for the most part I don’t and can’t. It feels too unfair and I don’t want to accept this is my reality and will be my reality for the rest of my life. I don’t want to have to take a hundred supplements a day and be radical in getting exercise and diet just to maintain a balanced-ish way of being. I just want to be normal and fine.

#Depression #PostnatalDepression #PostpartumDepression #motherood #MentalHealth #Breastfeeding #Trapped #Parentingwithdepression #overwhelmed #SuicideIdeation #fedup #sad #melancholy

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One of those days.

Most days are hard for me but these kind of days are terrible. I have things I know need to be done. I even planned what times to do what things. I'm desperately trying to stay on track. But my brain gets flooded by a million different thoughts and feelings. So many that I get so overwhelmed. Days like this, I often get stuck inside my head. Inside I'm having an intense battle with my depression, my anxiety and all my other demons. But on the outside, I'm just paralyzed. For a brief moment, I'll snap back to reality and realize I haven't even moved in a while. Then I'll feel lazy and guilty that I've just been laying in bed. Questioning myself on how I can be so tired while doing nothing. So I'll try to stay on schedule. I'll try to push through it and get things done. But I just get more and more drained. And eventually I find myself back again. Trapped inside my head. #Depression #anxiety #Trapped #Guilt

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Beyond Help? #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #PanicDisorder #Anxiety #Depression #Trapped

I didn't get much sleep because my boyfriend had it too hot in the room (we're in a motel because he lost his house) and I'm in menopause, and have hot flashes. I had to get up early because housekeeping was coming. I'm exhausted and feel sick. My boyfriend told me he's sick of housekeeping day because he has to remove stuff off my bed. I've asked and asked for bins and some help so I could sort things and put others in storage. He says hurtful things, ignores or interrupts me every day, snaps at me, etc. He sends me a few dollars on a Starbucks card so I can eat (egg bites) and drink for dinner, and three times he's sent ones that say, "I Love Annoying You." I wany my freedom, and I want to take my cats and personal property with me. He's told me I'm a burden, and I don't want to be a burden. Every place I've contacted tells me they can't help me because I've "got too much going on." My OCD limits me greatly, but I just want to move NOW. I have no money. I mean, I get SSDI, but it doesn't cover all my needs, which have worsened as I've grown older. I have more physical issues now. I want out. I want OUT! I WANT OUT! I'm not suicidal, so don't misunderstand. I'm terrified of dying. I just don't want to keep going back to him. There's so much more, but I'm so sleepy.

And no, I have no friends or family. Apparently, I'm an awful person.


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What feelings are tied to the moments you feel triggered?

For me, it’s always about feeling helpless. Sometimes it’s about feeling trapped too. But on my worst days, it’s like BINGO and I’ve got the whole row. The best I can do is give myself grace in those moments. I hope you will give yourself a little bit too.
#CPTSD #PTSD #AnxietyAttack #Anxiety #triggered #feelings #Grace #findinghope #MyCondition #bingo #Bekindtoyourself #ItsOK #helpless #Trapped #fearful #giveyourselfgrace #progress #Trauma #AnxietyTriggers #triggers


Scared #Burden #Trapped

I don't know how to describe this feeling. I feel trapped. It's so confusing and scary. I don't know what to do. I'm scared to come out to anyone, feels like a burden now.

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#getting away #Escape

I am lucky. My parents are housebound, and my mom has dementia. I have claustrophobia and PTSD but can get out and away from the "normal world". Working from home has been hard but i enjoy drives like I did Sunday. See new things. I think it hrlps me feel less trapped in my own mind. #Trapped


Over thinking #BPD # Anxiety # Depression #

When being trapped in your own head is the worst place for you to be yet you can't seem to leave sadly it's becoming like home to me I find myself there more and more and know one seems to notice or even care.. Over the years I've learned to fake happy very well.. I over think everything no matter how big or small hell I'm doing right now.. That voice in my head that never goes away she's always there and yes I did say she and she's not trusting not is she nice everyone is out to get her out to hurt her at least that's what she thinks ie me myself I use to call it my back bone but obviously it's not... I'm this way because of the shit I've been though in my life I've held on to so much pain and hate , hurt that I've lost myself and the person I was before I slipped into my own little world
#BPD # Anxiety # Depression #Trapped

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